January 2005
protein wisdom offers advice on how to overcome your outrage over the CBS Memogate Report whitewash
ACCEPT PAT BOONE AS YOUR MASTER!
The “Michael Moore wins a People’s Choice Award” poem
for all the people who chose “Thanks, fans. And remember — for a plate of tasty cheese brats, I’m willing to come to your home and pee on you in the shower.”*
A dejected Mary Mapes visits Arby’s and orders a Big Montana sandwich
Mapes: “A Big Montana sandwich, please, honey. With lots of Horsey Sauce.” Arby’s counter girl: “One Big Montana. Will that be all?” Mapes: “So they tell me, yeah. Say. How would you feel if I told you I knew of a way to bring McDonald’s and its imperialistic burger patty trade to its frickin’ knees…?
Former teen idol Leif Garrett comments on the release of the Rathergate report, whose conclusions quite carefully shield CBS News from the most serious of offenses relating to intent
Garrett: “Let me just put it to you this way. Had these commission folks been in charge of indicting Jeffrey Dahmer, they’d have probably charged him with, like, improper use of basil and garlic salt.”* **** related: Malkin 1, 2, 3; Geraghty; QandO; Scylla & Charybdis; and Captain Ed, who sees things differently than Leif. Blogs for Bush has a nice roundup of links. See also: Ace 1, 2, 3.
Today is NOT a good day to be a Broncos fan
On the plus side, though—every day is a good day to have PAT BOONE AS YOUR MASTER! **** update: Bronco’s head coach Mike Shanahan, his team trailing 35-3 at halftime, rallies the troops: “…don’t worry. This is all part of my plan to bait the Colts into inserting their second teamers. Then, like angry tigers, we strike…!”
a reminder
PAT BOONE IS MY MASTER! **** update: and not just Leather Pat, either. Should Vanilla Pat want to press those white vinyls on my throat and make me bark like a dog, I’m afraid I’m at his mercy.