Me: “Heya, deadbeat neighbor! Long time! How’s tricks?” Deadbeat neighbor: “Beg pardon?” Me: “– Oh, shit, that’s right. I moved a while back, didn’t I? Which means you wouldn’t have the slightest idea what I’m talking about.” Deadbeat neighbor New-ish neighbor: “No, I wouldn’t.” New-ish neighbor: ” — And say, is that my newspaper you’ve got in your hand…?”

Deadbeat neighbor: “I know what festive bunting is…” Me: “Sure. If you say so.” Deadbeat neighbor: “Fourth of July stuff and all.” Me: “Yup.” Deadbeat neighbor: “I mean, it’s not like I’m an idiot, you know…*” Me: “Okay.” Deadbeat neighbor: Me: Deadbeat neighbor: Me: Deadbeat neighbor: ” — Just to clarify, though, it has nothing to do with a gay guy happily advancing a runner into scoring position, am I

Deadbeat neighbor: “Is that an Indian? — over there, pouring that Bickels’ new patio?” Me: “Nope. Just a Mexican day laborer with a sunburn.” Deadbeat neighbor: “Are you sure? Because the feathers –” Me: “– Fine, a Mexican day laborer with a sunburn and a fetish, then. But not an Indian.” Me: “And seriously, man. Must you always stereotype like that? Because it’s racist, and it makes me feel really

Deadbeat neighbor: “So.” Me: “So.” Deadbeat neighbor: “Sorry to hear about your whole craziness thing.” Me: “Thanks.” Deadbeat neighbor: Me: Deadbeat neighbor: “So what’s it like, if you don’t mind my asking?  Do you hear voices, or…” Me: “Honestly?  It varies from day to day.  For instance, yesterday was completely uneventful.” Deadbeat neighbor: “Uh huh.  Meaning…?” Me: “Meaning that my dog wasn’t commanding me to ‘go forth and slay all

Deadbeat neighbor: “So.  Broncos-Raiders today, eh?” Me: “Broncos-Raiders.” Deadbeat neighbor: “You ready?” Me: “Does the Pope wear a funny hat?” Deadbeat neighbor: Me: “Yes. He does.” Deadbeat neighbor: “Oh I dunno.  I think his lid looks kinda fly.”

Deadbeat neighbor: “Nice out here, today.  Not quite Indian summer, but close.” Me: ”Native-American summer, you mean.  ‘Indian summer’ is culturally and racially offensive.” Deadbeat neighbor: “It is?” Me: “Yes. Unless you’re talking about a summer with like, one of those little dots in the middle of its forehead.  In which case we’ll have to call the NCAA for a ruling.”*

Deadbeat neighbor: “So, you heard New Orleans flooded again, right?—second time in a month?  That really sucks.”* Me:  “I’d imagine so, yes.” Deadbeat neighbor:  “No, I mean, that really sucks, trust me. Because once, at my old apartment? I overreached a bit on the two-ply and clogged up the dumper something fierce.  Wound up having to wade around in about a foot of water and my own filth at least

Deadbeat neighbor:  “So, I’m thinking about heading out to the Cherry Creek Arts Festival today.” Me:  “CHICKEN ARTS SUPPORTER!” Deadbeat neighbor:  “I beg your pardon –” Me:  “– You heard me.  YELLOW-BELLIED PHONY!” Deadbeat neighbor:  “Yeah, I heard you.  I’m just not sure I follow –” Me:  “– Tell me, pussy, have you ever even lived in Cherry Creek?” Deadbeat neighbor:  “No, but I –” Me:  “– Are you an

Deadbeat neighbor:  “Is Thai food really spicy?” Me: “Depends.  Can be.  Why?” Deadbeat neighbor:  “Because I’m thinking about trying Thai food for lunch, but I’m not sure my stomach can handle it.  Went a little too hard on the tequila last night…” Me: “Uh huh.  Is that why you’re wearing the nipple clamps?” Deadbeat neighbor:  “Well, that was gonna be my second question:  any idea how to get these goddamn

Deadbeat neighbor: “So.  Happy Memorial Day weekend, buddy!” Me: “We’ve been over this, haven’t we?  You don’t wish people a ‘happy’ Memorial Day.  Memorial Day is day of reflection and remembrance.” Deadbeat neighbor: “Oh, right. Forgot.” Me: Deadbeat neighbor: “It’s a somber occasion.” Me: Deadbeat neighbor: “…A somber occasion on which we grill chicken and beef and eat huge heaps of potato salad.” Me: “Are you being ironic, Deadbeat Neighbor