me: “Wow. You are even blacker than I’d thought possible.”* Eric Holder’s soul: “And you, sir, are a racist.” me: “No, you misunderstand me. I meant ‘blacker’ in the sense that you as a soul are even more dark, rotten, riddled with deceit and devoid of conscience than I could have imagined. The color is really only emblematic, a kind of conventional referent –” Eric Holder’s soul: “– Got it:
My brief conversations with inanimate objects
May 1, 2013
my first brief conversation with Tanner’s ear infection
me: “Jesus, the kid just turned one. Why don’t you pick on somebody your own size?” ear infection: “Actually, I’m made up of bacteria. I’m quite small, both individually and in the aggregate — certainly smaller than the boy who is hosting me.” me: “Whatever. Asshole.” ear infection: “I’m just as God made me, sir.”
November 1, 2012
my first brief conversation with Senator Bob Menendez’s old man dick
me: “So…”* Senator Menendez’s old man dick: “Yeah, whatever. Like you wouldn’t have done the same thing.” me: “Maybe. But dude, you seriously shortchanged them?” Senator Menendez’s old man dick: “I didn’t do any such thing. I’m just an old dick who when given the opportunity went ahead and got me some. Anything else, take it up with the old man heart. Though I have to be honest, it’s a
October 3, 2012
Protected: my first brief conversation with the ghost of raped and murdered US ambassador to Libya, Christopher Stevens
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
September 1, 2012
My second brief conversation with Barack Obama’s basketball
me: “You still mad at me?” Barack Obama’s basketball: “A little, yeah.” me: “Anything you want to clarify, walk back, that sort of thing? I’m nothing if not fair.” Barack Obama’s basketball: “Really, you’d let me do that?” me: “Absolutely. Go for it.” Barack Obama’s basketball: “Okay, fine, thanks. Yes. I would. First off, I didn’t mean to suggest that Obama wasn’t completely black. He is. Very black. Like, so black
August 31, 2012
My first brief conversation with Barack Obama’s basketball
me: “How do I put this so that it doesn’t come across as, you know — Barack Obama’s basketball: “– racist.” me: “Precisely. ‘Racist’ –” Barack Obama’s basketball: “I’m afraid you can’t.” me: “Say something that doesn’t come across as racist?” Barack Obama’s basketball: “Right.” me: “But you haven’t even heard what I was going to say yet.” Barack Obama’s basketball: “Doesn’t matter. What you might think you’re saying and
March 2, 2012
my first brief conversation with a semi-upscale condom
me: “So. You’re quite in demand here lately. The subject of Congressional hearings. And yet you remain somehow elusive. Coy, even. Both difficult to ascertain and difficult to understand. You’re enigmatic, is what I’m saying, semi-upscale condom — the supposed key to women’s health, the key to solving the problem of too much human-generated CO2, the key to keeping otherwise good girls from being punished with children. And yet in
February 27, 2012
a post in which I ask our Constitution directly how it feels about the way the Democrats in general, and this Administration in particular, seem to treat it
me: “So. Maybe it’s not my place to say this, but –” The Constitution: “– Yeah, I know. That’s the last time I go for one of these fast-talking, Tweedy, metrosexual types. I mean, not even a phone call? Really…?”**
January 30, 2012
a post that explores what life would be like if oatmeal could speak, 19
oatmeal: “I mean, hell. Even I think Romney is an unprincipled milquetoast bore, and I’m freakin’ oatmeal, for Chrissakes.”
August 30, 2010
My twenty-fourth brief conversation with the ghost of John Merrick
Me: “You know who I really dig? Like, lots? The Lord. The Lord, that’s who I dig.” Merrick: “I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!” Me: “He lifts me up. So I can climb higher than a mountain.” Me: “I shit thee not.” Merrick: “I AM A HUMAN BEING!” Me: “There you go. Testify, my horribly deformed brother! I need the readers…!”*