After Jeff’s last very sweet and decent post, I feel terrible posting this, but I imagine that some of the readership will value the information. Do you know someone who has an outstanding body, but a face that would astonish a Gorgon? Furriskey has discovered the (NOT SAFE FOR WORK) solution.

Some final convention notes:  chewed potato chips do not an effective lubricant make, even in a pinch.  And some lady protesters—no matter how many jumping jacks they claim they can do, or how many times they’ve “smoked grass with Patricia Arquette”—just need to be held. My plane leaves in less than an hour.  I really should find my shoes.

In his speech tonight, George Bush spoke of the great promise of America, of his vision for spreading liberty throughout the world as the precondition for a lasting global peace. Meanwhile, in a universe far far away, John Kerry will give his own speech in Ohio later tonight—one that points to Dick Cheney’s military deferments and George Bush’s Alabama National Guard record, one in which he complains (yet again) about

11:22 AM: For the second time in as many mornings I wake up on the floor of Ann Coulter’s hotel room, the phrase “Jooos for Bush” scrawled across my forehead in Clinique Berry Berry Long Last lipstick.  Ann has already taken off for some Phyllis Schlafly presentation, but she leaves me the crumbled dregs of her Continental breakfast, which I pass up for a bite-size Milky Way bar and a

Had a chance to talk briefly with tonight’s keynote speaker, Democratic Senator Zell Miller, whom I caught up with at the beverage table after one of his sound checks.  protein wisdom: “As a lifelong Democrat, what made you decide to endorse George Bush for president?” Zell Miller: “That’s a good question, because I have voted for every Democratic presidential candidate since 1952, 13 of them. I’ve never voted for a

Those of you who think Republicans have no sense of humor should’ve seen Newt Gingrich last night.  Because I’m here to tell you, if anybody does a better impression of Jeff Foxworthy purchasing gefilte fish, I sure haven’t seen it. “…So what you’re sayin’ is, that thar jelly surroundin’ the fish ball…that’s intentional?” Christ, I’m still laughing. 

New Yorker Hotel “Compassionate Conservatism” after party, dwarf tossing results (semi-final round):  Arnold Schwarzenegger, 26’7”; protein wisdom, 22’11”; Jenna Bush, 20’1”, Monica Crowley, 16’8”; Sean Hannity, 16’4”; Susan Estrich, 8’2”; Alan Colmes [disqualified for hugging the dwarf and trying to get him to refer to himself as “a little person”]; Barbara Bush [no show—reportedly doing upside down margaritas with a couple of delegates from New Mexico]

It’s not official yet, but I think I just talked National Review’s Rich Lowry into an actual pissing contest with Air America’s Al Franken.  FOXNews’ Linda Vester has agreed to judge it.  I’m off now to buy a case of Milwaukee’s Best and a couple of Super Big Gulps.  And some yardsticks.  Wish me luck. Developing…. update:  Gonna need more Milwaukee’s Best, ‘t looks like.  Because who knew Vester could

It’s not official yet, but I think I just talked National Review’s Rich Lowry into an actual pissing contest with Air America’s Al Franken.  FOXNews’ Linda Vester has agreed to judge it.  I’m off now to buy a case of Milwaukee’s Best and a couple of Super Big Gulps.  And some yardsticks.  Wish me luck. Developing…. update:  Gonna need more Milwaukee’s Best, ‘t looks like.  Because who knew Vester could