First militant: “Question:  If ‘we’ are all Hizbullah, then why are not all of us crouched down here in earthen bunkers drinking warm water and eating stale pita pieces beside buckets of our own waste, waiting for the IDF to spread us like pistachio paste into their tank treads?” Second militant: First militant: Second militant: Second militant: “Uh, because Allah works in mysterious ways…?” First militant: “Yeah?  Well, so do

First Hezbollah militant: “Bad news, brother.  The Zionist war machine is massed on the border and is threatening to invade on the ground.  It could happen at any moment now.” Second Hezbollah militant: “Really?” First Hezbollah militant: “I shit you not.” Second Hezbollah militant: First Hezbollah militant: Second Hezbollah militant: First Hezbollah militant: “…Which is why I was wondering… How would you feel about trying a pepperoni and sausage pizza? 

First Hezbollah militant: “Have you heard the latest buzz, brother?”* Second Hezbollah militant: First Hezbollah militant: “Evidently, we great warriors of Allah may soon be met by the unified muscle of the world.” Second Hezbollah militant: First Hezbollah militant: “In the form of—hold on to your bandana—UN peace-keeping troops.” Second Hezbollah militant: First Hezbollah militant: “Who, it is said, will police southern Lebanon and protect the interests of the ‘legitimate’

First Hezbollah militant: “You know something, brother?” Second Hezbollah militant: First Hezbollah militant: “I think the Zionist monkeys and pigs might be serious this time.” Second Hezbollah militant: First Hezbollah militant: “And while for obvious reasons I don’t know how dangerous pigs are, precisely (Allah be praised), I’m pretty sure monkeys can be downright vicious.” Second Hezbollah militant: First Hezbollah militant: “What with their enormous fangs. And their superhuman strength.”

First Hezbollah militant: “Have you noticed, brother, how the Israeli fighter jets sound very much like wasps?” Second Hezbollah militant: First Hezbollah militant: “Giant wasps.  With giant stingers.  And giant missiles.  With laser targeting.” Second Hezbollah militant: First Hezbollah militant: “And giant, state-of-the-art wasp communication systems to aid them in their coordinating, giant wasp strikes.” Second Hezbollah militant: First Hezbollah militant: Second Hezbollah militant: First Hezbollah militant: “…You ever wish

First militant:  “So…” Second militant:  “So.” First militant: Second militant: First militant: “…Do you think he’s at least, you know—enjoying his virgins?” Second militant: “That depends, brother.  Do you suppose Allah will permit him to saw their filthy heads off with a hunting knife once he’s done dribbling his seed on their bellies?  Because otherwise, I doubt he’ll get much pleasure from them.” First militant: “Peace be upon him.” Second

First militant: “I must say, Widaad, I do not find the sound of heavily-armed enemy weaponry buzzing over our heads very…pleasing to the senses.”* Second militant: “Nor do I, Amal.  Nor do I.  But I will say this:  I very much enjoyed your use of litotes in describing our dire predicament.  There’s just such a… sophistication to you, my brother.  And if you don’t mind my saying so, you are

First militant: “I confess to being quite dispirited this day, Fahad.  For if the grapevine is to be believed, Iraqi locals—our own Arab brethren (peace be upon them)—turned over brother Amir Khalaf Fanoos to the infidel occupiers, siding with the West in this great war to restore the Caliphate and return the Arab world to its long dormant greatness and preeminence.” Second militant: “Yes, but Isa—beleaguered people often become confused