Once you finish reading this post, keep in mind that in the time it took you to get through the entirety of it, most members of Hamas daydreamed about blowing up a Tel-Aviv kindergarten, while about two-thirds of the employees at MSNBC, along with a self-loathing Geraldo Rivera, took a shot of vodka and/or Jaeger and spoke with solemn candor to some other useful idiot about the cancer that is

In the time it takes you to read this post, Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama will spend at least a minute complaining to a throng of reporters about not being able to finish his waffle — in the process, wasting at least a minute he could have spent ignoring those same reporters and quietly finishing his fucking waffle. The irony of which is, of course, racist. And — from Glenn

In the time it takes you to read this post, Matt Damon and George Clooney will have high-fived each other 3 times — one each for Ocean’s 11 and Ocean’s 13, and once for being, like, so totally smart that, were they to put their minds to it, they could easily solve the problems of world hunger and AIDS in a month, maybe two, tops. — Which altruism will have

In the time it takes you to read this post, another 103 civilians — the vast majority of them women and children — will have been slaughtered or maimed by the murderous US air raid campaign being waged indiscriminately inside Barack Obama’s refreshingly clean skull.

In the time it takes you to read this post, former President Jimmy Carter will have once again solved crises in both the middle east and North Korea, jotting down, on the back of a paper muffin skin, a set of fullproof foreign policy prescriptions (“1. diplomacy 2.  free beans.  3. TBA 4.  peace!”) before rushing off to the head for the third time in twenty minutes –cursing, along the

In the time it takes you to read this post, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, secretly enjoying all the attention his recent verbal diarrhea has garnered him, will jot down on a breakfast napkin at least six other wars the US needs to pull out of—having lost them, too—among which he includes “the war on drugs,” “the war on poverty,” and “the war on Congressional Ethics Violations.” —Though once the

In the time it takes you to read this post, Congressional alien Denis Kucinich, in what he will eventually argue is simply a commonsense appendix to his attempt to rehabilitate the Fairness Doctrine, will use his position on a House government-reform subcommittee to introduce legislation promising to make turning down his invites to Star Trek conventions “an offense against the integrity of Starfleet Command”—a misdemeanor punishable by having to agree

In the time it takes you to read this post, Korean President Kim Jong Il will have shot a round of perfect golf, written several critically-acclaimed novels, and successfully communed with the ghost of Elvis—who, to the sawed-off dictator’s mild shock, will tell him that “Blue Suede Shoes” was actually an extended metaphor for the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor and the subsequent US response, and that “we Yankees ain’t