As you read this, Martha Stewart is molding her toothbrush into a makeshift shiv using nothing but a pine cone, two rubberbands, and some cherrywood-scented body lotion. Martha ain’t gonna be nobody’s bitch.
July 16, 2004
July 16, 2004
The Suburban Sundries Shack post
The sound you are about to hear is my good will evaporating. Ready? Begin. Banzaiiiiiiiiii! *
July 16, 2004
Film reviews in 5 words or less, #11
I, Robot (2004) Directed by Alex Proyas. Stars Will Smith, Bridget Moynahan, Alan Tudyk, and James Cromwell. Five words or less review: Asimov spins in his grave.
July 16, 2004
Have agreed to speak at the Democratic National Convention in the event one of the scheduled speaker
Sourdough baguettes Roman Polanski’s penis The NAACP snack table Beef tartar A guy who everybody says looks kinda like Al Franken, only thinner Studio 54 The laff track from “Family Ties” Jacques Derrida’s Limited Inc. Hillary Rodham Clinton
July 16, 2004
(No longer) Searching for Bobby Fischer
MSNBC: “Bobby Fischer detained in Japan: Blames ‘Creepy Japanese Jews, with their filthy kosher sushi bars and their poisonous slanty-eyed Manischewitz saki,’ for ‘targeting’ him” Well, that’s what I heard, anyway.
July 16, 2004
Michael Moore confronts his Domino’s Pizza delivery boy
Moore: “Uh, I asked for extra cheese.” Domino’s delivery boy: “Right. And the ticket says this has extra cheese on it, sir –“ Moore: “– I don’t care what the ticket says, boy! I know extra cheese, and this is not extra cheese. Now take it back and bring me a fresh one. And make sure they put some extra goddamn cheese on it this time, understand?”
July 16, 2004
Michael Moore confronts his Domino’s Pizza delivery boy
Moore: “Uh, I asked for extra cheese.” Domino’s delivery boy: “Right. And the ticket says this has extra cheese on it, sir –“ Moore: “– I don’t care what the ticket says, boy! I know extra cheese, and this is not extra cheese. Now take it back and bring me a fresh one. And make sure they put some extra goddamn cheese on it this time, understand?”
July 16, 2004
The John F. Kerry commemorative 3 haiku associative plate set*
Owing to the stunning success of the Teresa Heinz Kerry commemorative 3 haiku narrative plate set, protein wisdom is proud to offer this gorgeous companion set, featuring 3 all-new John F. Kerry-flavored haikus. 1. Prep schools, ivy league — all that burnishing can’t turn glass into diamonds. 2. “Were my hair any stiffer, bird shit would slip off like so much white rain.” 3. “You’d think my own plates wouldn’t
July 16, 2004
British Intelligence: Al-Qaeda-linked terrorist with no ties to Iraq set up sleeper cells in Baghda
Everybody knows that… Jordanian militant Abu Musab al-Zarqawi set up “sleeper cells” in Baghdad before the Iraq war to attack American forces occupying the country, according to a British intelligence report. The report, dated March 2003 and released as part of an overall review of British intelligence, forecast the string of Zarqawi’s attacks against American targets during the past year “using car bombs and other weapons.” It said he was
July 16, 2004
British Intelligence: Al-Qaeda-linked terrorist with no ties to Iraq set up sleeper cells in Baghda
Everybody knows that… Jordanian militant Abu Musab al-Zarqawi set up “sleeper cells” in Baghdad before the Iraq war to attack American forces occupying the country, according to a British intelligence report. The report, dated March 2003 and released as part of an overall review of British intelligence, forecast the string of Zarqawi’s attacks against American targets during the past year “using car bombs and other weapons.” It said he was