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Ninth in a series of real-time empirical observations

As you read this, Martha Stewart is molding her toothbrush into a makeshift shiv using nothing but a pine cone, two rubberbands, and some cherrywood-scented body lotion.

Martha ain’t gonna be nobody’s bitch.

9 Replies to “Ninth in a series of real-time empirical observations”

  1. Lloyd says:
    July 16, 2004 at 11:03 pm

    Jeff,

    You have a very strange and twisted mind. But,,,,,, I don’t know what that sez bout me,,,,,, cuz you make me laugh my ass off.

    Signed; Assless in Alaska

  2. Not Martha's Bitch says:
    July 17, 2004 at 12:15 am

    She and I have already decided on matching prison tattoos of little flashing blue lights on each other’s asses.

    And she promised to creatively braid the leg hair of everyone on the cellblock so we will look like we’re wearing matching designer cable-knit tights all winter.

    But I’m not Martha’s bitch.

  3. Dean Esmay says:
    July 17, 2004 at 1:33 am

    Don’t forget the glue gun.

  4. Pale Infidel says:
    July 17, 2004 at 4:31 am

    When she gets out, she’ll have enough street cred to hang with Mike Tyson and Robert Downey, Jr. They can form the new Rat Pack with Stewart in the role of Sinatra, a DT striken Downey as Dino, and Tyson doing a turn as Sammy Davis.

    Look out Atlantic City!

  5. Beck says:
    July 17, 2004 at 4:58 pm

    Either Mike Tyson was just paid the highest compliment of his life, or Sammy was just paid the worst insult of his, er, afterlife.  I’m not sure which.  But I’ll be sure to let you know once I have it all sorted out.

  6. Beck says:
    July 17, 2004 at 5:06 pm

    Even better.

    “I could do it,” she said, according to excerpts released by ABC late Friday. “I’m a really good camper. I can sleep on the ground. There are many, many good people who have gone to prison. Look at Nelson Mandela.”

    That’s right.  Nelson Mandela.

  7. Matt says:
    July 17, 2004 at 5:07 pm

    If your pants are talking to you, you must be waaaaaaay overdue for laundry day.

  8. Matt says:
    July 17, 2004 at 5:08 pm

    Dammit! Wrong post!

  9. Mamamontezz says:
    July 18, 2004 at 8:04 am

    If your pants are talking to you, you must be waaaaaaay overdue for laundry day.

    But what if your tighty-whities are singing old Mariah Carey hits?

Comments are closed.