Hawkins:  “No, I only owe you $1200 if you have three houses on it.  And those are not houses.  Those are little plastic figurines molded to look like houses.  So. Take the $375 and pass me the dice.”

The Martha Stewart Chronicles?  Not real. *Wait, isn’t that Larry David a liberal, Jeff? Yes.  Yes he is.  And I really do wish he’s add a laugh track to his show, so I know when to chuckle.  But hey, if you want to be hip, you have to put up with these inconveniences from time to time.

YOU make the funny! Select a punchline: “How many humorless conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?” One. Unless you need a ladder, in which case, two. Always use a spotter.Get the maid to do it, would you?  I’m doing pilates.Two: one to screw it, the other to laugh at its misery.SECURE THE BORDERS NOW!I’m not sure, but I DO know this: Ronald Reagan would have gotten it done,

Hawkins:  “Of course, Triumph is really just a hand puppet, Conan.  Not an actual dog.  Just so we’re clear.”

A Jew, a conservative, and an alligator walk into a local neighborhood bar.  “Whaddya have,” asks the bartender.      “Hmm,” says the Jew. “I think I’d like a glass of Maneschewitz.”      “Sorry,” says the bartender.  “We don’t carry that.  A beer okay?”      “Fine,” says the Jew.      “How about you, buddy?” the bartender asks the conservative.  “Whaddy have?”      “Hmm,” says the conservative.  “I think I’d like two fingers of Glenmorangie 18-year old

Evidently, our reputation is forever tarnished.  And the only thing a serious CITIZEN JOURNALIST like me really has is his reputation.  So the shame is palpable right now.  Like some heavy odor hanging over this blog.  Musky. Like the stink of wet sheep. Go ahead.  Take a whiff of my shame.  **** update:  strangely enough, should you be so curious as to actually lick my shame, you’ll find it tastes