I’m too drunk to write a poem — though if you’d like, I’m happy to eat a jar of pickled peppers for, say, five bucks, a condom, and a sixer of MGD draft…?
The protein wisdom original poems
August 24, 2007
The “Were I to come up with another name for bubble gum” poem
Were I to come up with another name for bubble gum, it would be a name both light and airy, one that popped and smacked and — could you smell it — would be redolent of overripe bananas.
August 15, 2007
a haiku that, for no reason whatever, imagines Jesus Christ as a modern-day conservative
“By their fruits ye shall know them. Oh, and chaps are a dead giveaway, too…”
August 6, 2007
the prude’s lament, 3: a haiku
“Sometimes, when I look at the hole in a donut, I blush and curse God.”
July 30, 2007
a haiku that, for no reason whatever, imagines FDR as flying 1960s space giant, Ultraman
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And huge Jap lizards.”
July 13, 2007
a poem for a recalcitrant a monkey
keep crapping in your hands like that, pal, and so help me, you won’t be looking through my baseball card collection again any time soon.
July 6, 2007
The "were my name Fred, I'd likely change it" poem
Were my name Fred, I’d likely change it — opting instead for something a bit more sexy — like, say, Darko, or Ebeneezer. Not that Fred is a bad name. It’s just that you almost never hear of super models banging guys named Fred. So, you know — why chance it?
June 19, 2007
a haiku that, for no reason whatever, imagines Andrew Dice Clay as an Asiatic Lion (Panthera leo persica)
“See that hot Bengal Tiger there, crouched behind the sage grass…? I fucked her.”
June 14, 2007
a haiku that, for no apparent reason, imagines Jesus Christ as a cherry red Cooper Mini
If being ‘cute’s’ a crime, then that’s the sleek, shiny, cross I’ll have to bear.
June 11, 2007
a haiku that, for no reason whatsoever, imagines Jesus Christ as a Tyrannosaurus Rex
You turn the other cheek. Me, I’m gonna eat what I feel like eating.