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The "were my name Fred, I'd likely change it" poem

Were my name Fred, I’d likely
change it — opting instead for
something a bit more sexy
like, say, Darko, or Ebeneezer.

Not that Fred is a bad name. It’s
just that you almost never hear of
super models banging guys named
Fred. So, you know — why chance it?

29 Replies to “The "were my name Fred, I'd likely change it" poem”

  1. gahrie says:

    Unless of course your middle name is Dalton…then you seem to do OK…..

  2. Mr. Boo says:

    Almost being the operative word here, I presume.

  3. N. O'Brain says:

    Ain’t gonna happen, Fred.

  4. Doug e Fresh says:

    Fred Durst does pretty well with the tramps and supermodels, but a rock start could be named Myron and still get honey on his stinger

  5. Rob B. says:

    I would suggest “Steven” because Steven Tyler did pretty good for himself but then Cat Steven’s had to go and blow the curve.

  6. Dan Collins says:

    Jack: But you don’t really meant to say that you couldn’t love me if my name wasn’t Ernest?
    Gwendolen: But your name is Ernest.
    Jack: Yes, I know it is. But supposing it was something else? Do you mean to say you couldn’t love me then?
    Gwendolen: Ah! that is clearly a metaphysical speculation, and like most metaphysical speculations has very little reference at all to the actual facts of real life, as we know them.
    Jack: Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, I don’t much care about the name Ernest . . . I don’t think the name suits me at all.
    Gwendolen: It suits you perfectly. It is a divine name. It has a music of its own. It produces vibrations.
    Jack: Well, really, Gwendolen, I must say that I think there are lots of other much nicer names. I think Jack, for instance, a charming name.
    Gwendolen: Jack? . . . No, there is very little music in the name Jack, if any at all, indeed. It does not thrill. It produces absolutely no vibrations . . . . I have known several Jacks, and they all, without exception, were more than usually plain. Besides, Jack is a notorious domesticity for John! And I pity any woman who is married to a man called John. She would probably never be allowed to know the entrancing pleasure of a single moment’s solitude. The only really safe name is Ernest.

  7. Darko!?

    RACIST!!!

  8. Tom says:

    I should like to point out that there has in fact been at least one Fred that scientists determined to be “too sexy for his shirt”.

  9. Molyuk says:

    I know of only two Darkos (Donnie & Milicic), and only one Ebenezer (Scrooge). I don’t recall any of them getting much play – or in Milicic’s case, playing time.

  10. ahem says:

    Fred Durst is built like a girl.

  11. Carin says:

    You have seen Fred’s wife, right? I’d say he’s got that quarter locked up ok.

    Now, has there ever been a president named Fred?

  12. Pat in Colorado says:

    Well, Ebenezer Ekuban does get considerable playing time with the Broncos.

  13. A fine scotch says:

    When I was growing up, my parents knew a lady from Texas (I think) who had a Bassett Hound named Fred. Mrs. Turner was the only person I knew who could turn a four letter (1 vowel) name like Fred into three syllables. It was incredible.

  14. A fine scotch says:

    Oh, and that Fred got as much tail as any three dogs could handle. Was a humping machine, that Fred.

  15. Chris Huck says:

    Dude; Fred ain’t all that happening…

  16. kurt says:

    I dunno, I always thought Wilma Flintstone was pretty hot.

  17. Mikey NTH says:

    My great grandfather, my grandfather and my dad were and are named Fred. As is my mom’s uncle, her brother and my cousin.

    All kidding and tongue in cheek aside, based on the men I know named Fred, and the report of those I never had the pleasure of meeting, it is a very good name, and those that have had it have done very well by themselves and done very well for the places they have lived.

  18. Fred Mertz says:

    Chris,

    Bite me.

  19. Russ says:

    You think “Fred” is bad, try going through life with a handle like “Russ.”

    I’ll let y’all know if supermodels ever start lining up to drool over (or on) me. Don’t lose any sleep waiting on it, though.

  20. McGehee says:

    Fred? Russ? I laugh in your general direction! Someone tell me how many guys named Kevin ever manage to bag a supermodel?

    Kevin Bacon doesn’t count, because… you know…

    Bacon. There, I said it.

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  27. Travis says:

    I would like to use this poem…..my nickname is Fred and i think it would be funny to use this but i wouldn’t want to use it without geiving credit to you….

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