As spring arrives, the need to touch myself grows. But instead, I have tea!
The protein wisdom original poems
December 22, 2005
“The War on Christmas Poem”
When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me — but I tell her to quick, run and hide!—before the goddamned ACLU and its goddamned lawyers find her and the baby Jesus, and strangle them both right where they fucking stand!
December 14, 2005
A haiku that, for no reason whatsoever, imagines Abe Lincoln as a particularly loyal Sulpher-crested Cockatoo (Cacatua galerita)
Robert Blake was framed! Robert Blake was framed! Long live Tony Baretta!
November 30, 2005
A haiku that, for no reason whatsoever, imagines Abe Lincoln as a first-time heroin user
[warning: graphic sexual content]
November 29, 2005
A haiku that, for no reason whatsoever, imagines Abe Lincoln as a rebellious Yellow-billed cuckoo (Coccyzus americanus)
’Four-score and seven’ — You know what? Screw this. Let’s you and me eat some grubs.
September 19, 2005
“A poem on the occasion of International Talk Like a Pirate Day”
for E.C. Segar Though he wasn’t really a pirate per se, the old man who panhandled in front of the Safeway would let me rub his hook for pocket change and a can of creamed spinach.*
June 16, 2005
A poem for “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” on the occasion of its 23rd birthday (written in the style of Stephen Crane)
A man says to the universe, “Doesn’t anybody fucking knock anymore?” “Undoubtedly so,” replies the universe, “But that doesn’t mean you can ignore the overwhelming odds s/he may not.”
May 18, 2005
The “A poem for Boutros Boutros-Ghali” poem
No doubt about it: Boutros Boutros-Ghali is still more fun to say than Yo-Yo Ma—the protestations of a billion plus Chinamen notwithstanding…¹ **** ¹unless you like saying Yo-Yo Ma better. In which case, simply switch the order of proper names in the poem and change the line “biillion plus Chinamen” to “a truckload of angry Egyptians.”
May 8, 2005
The “My Wife’s Second Mother’s Day Commemorative Poem” poem
Sorry you didn’t dig the Martha Stewart- brand picture frames I bought you. On the plus side, though, the receipt is in the friggin’ bag.
April 29, 2005
The “I wanted to write a poem for Frank Black from the show ‘Millennium‘“ poem
for Lara Means I wanted to write a poem for Frank Black, but I had a really hard time finding a rhyme for ‘apocalypse.’ So, y’know—fuck it.