me: apple: me: apple: me: apple: “Well well.  Cat got your tongue –?” me: “– Today is not the day you want to fuck with me, fruit.  Trust me on this.”

Me: “So.  What do you think, Tony.  Is Michael Jackson guilty?” Ghost of Tony Randall: “How should I know?  I’m a ghost.  I’m not a mind reader.” Me: “I realize that.  I was just wondering if you had an opinion on the matter –” Ghost of Tony Randall: “– You know, I am sick and tired of being treated like some otherwordly being with strange, quasi-mystical powers.  I am just

me: “I was thinking about maybe rolling up my cuffs –” Levis: “—No.  Absolutely not.” me:  “But why not?  James Dean used to wear his pants rolled –” Levis:  “– Sure.  And when you get better-looking and can pull off a smoldering angst face, then we’ll talk.  In the meantime though you’d just look short and mildly retarded.  And I’m pretty sure that’s not what you’re going for.”

me: “You following the latest kerfuffle started by your boy Senator Cracker?”* hood: me: “This time, the esteemed gentleman from West Virginia compared the Republicans’ efforts to circumvent a Democratic-led filibuster of federal judges to the tactics of Hitler and the Nazis…”* hood: me: “…though in his defense, I don’t think he really expects Bill Frist to shove Barney Frank or Joe Lieberman into a large convection oven…” hood: me:

Go ahead.  Run with me, bigshot.  See what happens. 

me: “Say, you wouldn’t happen to have a built-in Airport somewhere inside you, would you?” apple: me: apple: me: apple: “What, are you talking to me?” me:  “Yeah.  Nevermind.  It was a longshot, anyway.”

me: “So, any thoughts on Howard Dean’s remarks last Friday to the Congressional Black Caucus?”* hood: me: “If you hadn’’t heard, the snub-necked doctor joked that Blacks tend to be employed as bellboys and cooks and hotel maids…”* hood: me: “…in a hamfisted attempt to suggest that Republicans are racist.”* hood: me: “Didn’t recognize the irony, I suppose.”* hood: me: “Speaking of which, Charles Rangel says Dean should apologize…”* hood:

I’m telling you, man, you want to pluck your eyebrows, not trim them. Or else they’re gonna grow back twice as bushy and unruly. Christ.  It’s like you were raised by monkeys or something.

me: “Ted Kennedy is such an ass!”* apple: “Yup.” me: apple: me: “Well.  That was easy enough.” apple: “Hey, when you’re right, you’re right.”

Me: “So do they have, like, TV in heaven…?” Ghost of Tony Randall: “Blech.  Do not get me started on the programming here.” Me: “Lot of gospel singing and such, eh?” Ghost of Tony Randall: “I wish. No, more like ‘Dukes of Hazard,’ ‘B.J. and the Bear,’ ‘Alice’—turns out God is something of a red state secularist.” Me:  “Or else… maybe you’re in hell?” Ghost of Tony Randall:  “Well, that