16 Replies to “Slouching toward dementia, 5 (or, my scissors talk to me again)”

1. Attila Girl says:

   February 7, 2005 at 10:05 pm

   And what Sharp Beast, its hour come round at last
   
   Slouches toward Jeff’s house to be born?

2. McGehee says:

   February 7, 2005 at 10:31 pm

   My scissors have never once spoken to me.

   I think they’re jealous of my chain saw.

3. JWebb says:

   February 7, 2005 at 10:43 pm

   Screw scissors and tweazers – take a 3” X 10” strip of duct tape and press firmly and evenly to your brows. The key is blowing the outer surface of the molded tape with a hairdryer on high heat setting to “cure” the adhesive.

   Before proceeding to the final step, pound a quart of vodka.

4. Chrees says:

   February 7, 2005 at 10:46 pm

   Well, monkeys with opposable thumbs. And access to scissors, that is…

5. PlutosDad says:

   February 7, 2005 at 11:12 pm

   A girl I went out with last year kept telling me to trim my eyebrows. They are not bushy, just not well defined at the edges.

   Then she took my credit card and charged $860 on it.

   So now I am against trimming eyebrows.

   I hate it when you have to burp but can’t, then you have gas. I’ve had that since yesterday afternoon.

   She just happened to be from the Netherlands.

6. CraigC says:

   February 7, 2005 at 11:19 pm

   I say again, you can never go wrong with monkeys.

   Laughed out loud at the monkeys with the whoopee cushion yesterday.

7. Christopher Johnson says:

   February 7, 2005 at 11:59 pm

   My pinking shears and I used to be tight.  But they never bugged me about my eyebrows or anything.

8. Rightwingsparkle says:

   February 8, 2005 at 12:23 am

   McGehee, and what does your chain saw say to you?

9. PlutosDad says:

   February 8, 2005 at 12:27 am

   What about nose hair? Should we pluck them?

   That would really hurt.

   Ever since I turned 30 I found my nose hair trimmer is one of my best friends. But it seems like a never ending battle, thus the plucking question.

   It will happen to you!

10. Beck says:

    February 8, 2005 at 12:57 am

    The last time I ever heard inanimate objects speak to me it was coming from the trunk of my dad’s car.

    Always meant to ask him about that.

11. JD says:

    February 8, 2005 at 2:15 am

    And here I was shoving my nose into the blender on the Cuisinart’s say-so.

    Never got a chance to see what the “frappe” setting would do, tho.

12. JWebb says:

    February 8, 2005 at 3:57 am

    If you want info on the Cuisinart’s “frappe” setting vis-a-vis nasal trimming, Michael Jackson nose.

13. Ana says:

    February 8, 2005 at 3:57 am

    Never let a single girl wax your eyebrows before you get married ‘cause she’ll start thinking about her last boyfriend and get pissed off about always being a bridesmaid and never a bride and overheat the wax and burn your skin and take off too much eyebrow so you’ll not only look surprised but you’ll also have bright pink browbones. Not that I know about that or have it memorialized in pictures forever or anything. No. I’m not bitter. Bitch.

14. McGehee says:

    February 8, 2005 at 4:45 am

    McGehee, and what does your chain saw say to you?

    If I told you, then my chainsaw would never speak to me again.

    Those power tools can be real touchy about being the subject of gossip.

15. JD says:

    February 8, 2005 at 6:43 am

    Well, those power tools do tend to listen to Dr. Laura a lot.  But then again, most of what they do is hang around all day.

    When, of course, not being used in people’s orifices.

    And then they gossip with each other about the contents.

16. Joe says:

    February 8, 2005 at 8:45 pm

    Well, sure, now you tell me to pluck, not trim. After I’ve spent the last two hours braiding them into cornrows.

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