From amusingfacts.com: After trying everything, including ocelot poop, snake shed and musk, the Dallas, Texas, zoo could not get rare ocelots to breed until they used Calvin Klein men’s cologne. Rumors that the female ocelot got drunk on Stoli Vanilla and let the spice-splashed male woo her with a lot of breezy chat about New Zealand wines and the films of Antonioni could not be confirmed—though I have a friend
May 8, 2005
The “My Wife’s Second Mother’s Day Commemorative Poem” poem
Sorry you didn’t dig the Martha Stewart- brand picture frames I bought you. On the plus side, though, the receipt is in the friggin’ bag.
May 8, 2005
Former Cubs manager Lee Elia deconstructs the day-time baseball spectator, Wrigley Field edition (vintage audio)
Elia: “Not that there’s anything wrong with not having a job, mind you. Just sayin’.”* Warning: not safe for work. Though with a little imagination, it could turn into a fine drinking game.
May 8, 2005
Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!
Thanks for everything—but especially for all the diaper changes. Because there’s nothing worse than growing up with a raw, chapped ass.
May 7, 2005
Margaret Cho reacts rather strangely to her friend’s attempt to give her directions
Friend: “Make a right up here at the light.” Cho: “A right? Fuck that imperialist Rethuglican bullshit. I’ll just make a series of lefts, thank you very much.” Friend: “Wow. That’s like, so principled. A bit extreme, but definitely principled.” Cho: “You’re damn right it is! And besides, I’m pretty sure we pass a Dunkin’ Donuts that way. I am so totally jonesing for a couple of apple-filleds and a
May 7, 2005
“And furthermore, Bush’s momma so old that when she fell and broke her hip, mothballs poured out.”
From the Review-Journal: In the course of a discussion on filibusters and Senate rules, Washington’s top Democrat gave the 60 juniors a lesson in partisan politics, particularly about the commander in chief. “The man’s father is a wonderful human being,” Reid said in response to a question about President Bush’s policies. “I think this guy is a loser […]” […] Republican National Communications Director Brian Jones issued a statement calling
May 7, 2005
Scenes from my driveway, continued x 53
Deadbeat neighbor: “So. What’d you think about that Laura Bush speech the other day?” Me: “I dunno. Funny I guess.” Deadbeat neighbor: “Yeah. You can’t go wrong with horse penises, I always say.” Me: “I know. And I’ve repeatedly asked you to stop—though at least this time you managed to slip it into an appropriate context.”
May 7, 2005
The fourth set of 20 films that if you haven’t seen you should see immediately or risk having protein wisdom sneer at you like certain embarrassingly reactionary rightwing blogs sneer at homosexuals and minorities of all stripes
1970s, group 4 Night Moves (1975) Jeremiah Johnson (1972) The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean (1972) The Sting (1973) The Man Who Would Be King (1975) The Heartbreak Kid (1972) Breezy (1973) The Passenger (Professione: reporter) (1975) Walkabout (1971) Amarcord (1973) Slap Shot (1977) Cisco Pike (1972) Play Misty for Me (1971) The Last Picture Show (1971) Paper Moon (1973) The King of Marvin Gardens (1972) Last of
May 6, 2005
Uh, it’s Friday. Did you forget something, Jeff…?
Ever see what happens to a diabetic armadillo when he wolfs down two bags of marshmallows and a King Size Twix bar? I had to cut the stupid fucker’s feet off. Poor thing’s just an ashtray with a soul now. Which, that’s just sad.
May 6, 2005
The first rule of Fight Club is that nobody must subpoena former Fight Club members to turn over boxes of evidence at odds with the claim of active Fight Club members that Fight Club doesn’t actually exist
From FOXNews: The integrity of the probe into the Oil-for-Food program is at stake and lives may be in jeopardy if sensitive information regarding details of the investigation is leaked, Paul Volcker said Friday. Volcker, the man picked by U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan to lead the investigation, publicly responded to recent congressional efforts to subpoena a former senior investigator on the Independent Inquiry Committee who thinks the panel has been