me: “So.  How’s it hanging?” wreath: me: “Get it?  How’s it hanging?” wreath: me: “Well, I thought it was clever –” wreath: “– Look, Jewboy. It’s bad enough I have to spend Christmas strapped to the door of a non-believer.  But for $14.99 I ain’t about to laugh at your lame-ass jokes, too.  That’s what those $149 Pottery Barn ‘oversized magnolia garlands’ are for.  They’re the high-priced hookers of the

me: “You know what I love most about you, savory corn casserole?  How unapologetically decadent you are.” savory corn casserole: me: “That takes confidence, you know?” savory corn casserole: me: “…Anyway.  Just thought I’d let you know how much I appreciate you.” savory corn casserole: “Yeah, great.  I’ll be sure to use your stirring words to buoy my spirits while I’m trapped in the rank folds of your colon with

me: “So what you’re saying is, should I wish to build, say, a shed, I need your permission –?” HOA covenant: “—Permission, approval, blessing—whatever works for you.  But yes, that’s the gist of it.” me: HOA covenant: me: HOA covenant: me: HOA covenant: me: “Well that kinda blows, don’t you think?” HOA covenant: “For you, sure.  But for me?  Well, let’s just say you’d be surprised what a bunch of

me: “Point of pants etiquette:  is it okay to wear a boot cut jean with, say, New Balance cross trainer tennis shoes, or maybe a leather dock shoe without socks?” Levi’s:  “Well, that depends.  Do you want a real answer?—or is this gonna be like the time I told you it was most definitely not okay to go free-balling in a loose-fit button-fly, but you went ahead and embarrassed yourself

me: “Do you ever worry that you just might be the last refuge of a scoundrel?” my patriotism: “No.  No moreso than I worry that I’m a legitimate excuse for you to sit around in your underwear today drinking Mexican beer simply because you got up early and hung a flag from your awning.” me:  “Good point.  But in my defense, I have an awful lot of lime wedges that

me: “I know you generally dig the apple pie on the 4th, but how about this year we go with red white and blue-frosted cupcakes, instead?  As a change of pace?” my patriotism:  my patriotism:  “HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY ME!”

Merrick: “I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!” Me:  “Uh huh.  Got a riddle for you, John.  Why did the chicken cross the road?” Merrick:  “– I AM A HUMAN BEING!” Me:  “No, that’s not it. It’s because he saw you coming, and you totally grossed him out.” Me:  “I mean, so you’re a freak, so what?  Does that mean instead of the same drool- and strawberry shake-coated burlap bag day after

me: “You know, people are beginning to talk about us.” Klonopin:  “Uh huh.  And…? me:  “—And, well, I thought it was worthy of comment, is all.  Personally, I find it kinda sweet, them taking such an interest.  As a general rule, these aren’t the kind of people who pay you much attention until you’ve holed yourself up in a Texas ditch, or leaked state secrets, or posed for Vanity Fair

Merrick:  “I AM NOT AN ANIMAL” Me:  ”Really?  You might want to rethink that, pal.  Seems Pam Anderson has kind of a thing for animals.  And if her internet video work is any indication, she can do things to you with her mouth that would make you one torridly excited oblong-headed freak.”* Merrick: Merrick:  “I AM AN ANIMAL! Me:  “Attaboy.  Now.  Show up outside her trailer, bang your chest like

steamed dumpling: “In remarks to the American Enterprise Institute, Justice Scalia, speaking on the topic of imposing foreign law on Americans, said:  ‘I expect, and fear, that the Court’s use of foreign law in the interpretation of our Constitution will continue at an acceler­ating pace. […] First, because the “living Constitutution paradigm of interpretation prevails on today’s Court, and indeed in our legal community generally. Under this view, it is