Merrick: “I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!” Me: “Well, now let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, John. Tell me, you ever do any gay porn?” Merrick: ” — I AM A HUMAN BEING!” Me: “So I take it that’s a ‘no,’ then…?”
My brief conversations with inanimate objects
July 21, 2007
a brief conversation with my first Kenpo lesson
Kenpo side kick: “So. How you feelin’ about yourself now, bigshot?” me: “Honestly? Like if I had to, I could probably kick Hugh Hewitt’s ass. But Malkin or, say, Lindsay Beyerstein? I rather doubt it.”
June 21, 2007
a (third) message from a massive purple bruise I picked up over the weekend
“You know, it’s a shame I showed up in the precise shape of that feather duster handle. Because otherwise you could have told people you got me while moonlighting as a cowboy or a Ninja or some such. “Which is what I would have done, were I not a feather duster handle-shaped bruise my own self.”
June 19, 2007
a (second) message from a massive purple bruise I picked up over the weekend
“So. Can I point out that this new yellowing phase makes me look a bit like Toshirô Mifune? Or is that what you humans call a ‘hate crime’ nowadays…?
June 18, 2007
a message from a massive purple bruise I picked up over the weekend
“Don’t look at me, pal. If you’d bother to slap a tan on those milky thighs of yours, I’d look just like a tattoo of Earl Campbell. ” — At which point you’d be thanking me, is how cool that would be.”
June 11, 2007
My ninth brief conversation with Senator Robert Byrd’s (D-WV) Grand Kleagle hood
me: “So. Been awhile.” hood: me: “Just thought I’d get your reaction on the 40th anniversary of Loving v Virginia.”* hood: me: “You’re probably torn on this one, yes?” hood: me: “ I mean, on the one hand, it marked an end to state-enforced segregation—which, as is a civil rights issue, was certainly a step toward true racial equality, celebrating as it did the American ideal of free individuals making
May 3, 2007
My eighteenth brief conversation with ghost of John Merrick
Merrick: “I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!†Me: “Of course not. Spuds MacKenzie—now there was an animal!†Merrick: “– I AM A HUMAN BEING!†Me: “Maybe so. But Spuds spent his entire life doing promotional wet t-shirt contests in Ft Lauderdale, while you limped around Victorian England with a saliva-soaked burlap sack covering your dome. So let’s not go getting all judgmental, is all I’m saying…”
April 11, 2007
My seventeenth brief conversation with the ghost of John Merrick
Merrick: “I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!†Me: “I realize that. But that still doesn’t mean you can use the Bowflex.†Merrick: “– I AM A HUMAN BEING!†Me: “Yeah. But you’re a human being with a seventy pound head that could easily snap the neck support. Besides, you get an allowance, right? Go buy yourself an Ab Lounge or something if you’re so worried about ‘losing my sixpack.’”
April 3, 2007
My sixteenth brief conversation with the ghost of John Merrick
Merrick: “I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!†Me: “Say, you mind lending me fifty bucks? I’m totally jonesing for sashimi today.” Merrick: “– I AM A HUMAN BEING!†Me: “Dude, for fifty bucks you can squeeze yourself into a pair of fishnets, prop a bowler hat on your giant skull, and call yourself Liza Minelli and you won’t hear a peep of protest out of me. I’m not about judgment, man.
January 10, 2007
My first brief conversation with the severe ear infection I developed last evening, which has my entire left ear completely stopped up
me: “Cut it out, would you? It hurts.” severe ear infection: “Got any antibiotics?” me: “Not here in the house, no.” severe ear infection: “Then bite me.”