Me: “Have you gotten smaller or have I gotten bigger?” Levi’s: “I dunno, which one of us just ate a whole Little Caesar’s pepperoni pizza while sitting on his ass watching a Charles Bronson movie…?” Me: “You make a good point.”

Me: “Bonjour, John Kerry’s comb.” Comb: “Bonjour.” Me: “So, tell me: Product? Lots of product? And be honest now, because everyone knows he’s doing something up there.” Comb: “You mean you have to ask…? Let’s see… there’s gel, mousse, spray, color — you name it, he uses it. The guy thinks he’s Simon Le bon. But from a practical standpoint, he’s virtually wind and waterproof. Which in his line of

Me: “Bonjour, John Kerry’s comb.” Comb: “Bonjour.” Me: “So, tell me: Product? Lots of product? And be honest now, because everyone knows he’s doing something up there.” Comb: “You mean you have to ask…? Let’s see… there’s gel, mousse, spray, color — you name it, he uses it. The guy thinks he’s Simon Le bon. But from a practical standpoint, he’s virtually wind and waterproof. Which in his line of

me: “So. You’re Senator Byrd’s infamous Kleagle hood, eh? You’re even pointier than I expected.” hood: me: “Right. So tell me, is it true that Senator Byrd’s favorite snacking food is ‘cornpone’? Because I have it on good authority that the Senator is a cornpone fiend.” hood: me: “– Which, what exactly is cornpone, anyway? Is it like a, y’know, a corn bread, or something….?” hood: me: “…Or is it

me: “So. You’re Senator Byrd’s infamous Kleagle hood, eh? You’re even pointier than I expected.” hood: me: “Right. So tell me, is it true that Senator Byrd’s favorite snacking food is ‘cornpone’? Because I have it on good authority that the Senator is a cornpone fiend.” hood: me: “– Which, what exactly is cornpone, anyway? Is it like a, y’know, a corn bread, or something….?” hood: me: “…Or is it

me: “You needn’t be so aloof, you know…” apple: me: apple: me: apple: me: “Fine. Have it your way then.”

me: “Just where do you think you’re going?” apple: “Church. It’s Sunday, right?” me: “Oh, yeah, it is, isn’t it?”

A Hot Pockets coupon? Dude, you haven’t bought Hot Pockets in, like, ten years. Now quit fucking around and point me toward the fat-free Miracle Whip.

me: “Not to be rude or anything, but I generally prefer the Granny Smith apple to the McIntosh.” apple: me: “The McIntosh just isn’t, I dunno… crunchy enough for me.” apple: me: “Not that the McIntosh is a bad-tasting apple or anything. Just that, well, I like the Granny Smith a little bit better, you know?” apple: me: “Because of the tartness…” apple: me: “And that crunchiness factor we talked

me: “So. Pectin, huh?” apple: me: “Keep the doctor away, do ya’?” apple: me: “You didn’t fall far from the tree, I bet…” apple: me: “That William Tell was a real bastard, wasn’t he…?” apple: me: apple: me: “…So anyways…” apple: “Yeah.”