“Not that anyone’s really asked, but here’s one of the things I’ve learned since first arriving here:  never let another tenant borrow your Smiths mix tapes, or promise he’ll pay you later for the fistful of Oxycontin and pair of blunts you stupidly fronted him because you have a misguided trust in the integrity of other users.   Sympathy is for suckers.  And commerce is commerce. “Number 2:  when it comes

“Even though we don’t run in the same circles — unless we’re in one of those embarrassing situations where we’re both hitting on the same Hooter’s waitress up here, which has happened more than you might think, with my holding a very slight edge in the scoring department, thanks in large part to having never drowned any chick in a car — Teddy Kennedy has spent a lot of time

And here I thought Heaven was kinda sad and wannabe sordid. I mean, Bro.  That robe.  And your coloring.  I was never a doctor — and Lord knows I’m not studying medicine up here, save for the little bit of chemistry I’ve been dabbling in after watching a “Breaking Bad” marathon and then scoring that Bunsen Burner off of River Phoenix in exchange for some sandals and a tube of

I don’t usually weigh in on terrestrial politics, but the truth is, if  I’d been arrested every time I got a hand job from some underage kid who wanted me to sign his Lost Boys t-shirt, there would be no Dream a Little Dream, much less its (in my opinion) criminally underrated sequel. Sometimes the law is just stupid — especially when it threatens to get in the way of

I’m really not sure why it is that the Ouija people keep asking me if this Bashar al-Assad guy has shown up here — first, because if you follow the papers at all, you’d know that he didn’t get capped by a bodyguard; and second, because — not to be all judgmental and shit, because that’s not me — but the dude sounds like a total cock bag who was never

A quick observation, if you’ll allow me:  this one time, after the premier of Snowboard Academy I think it was, I signed some chick’s breast, which she just kinda flopped into my hand right there in the lobby of the Vine theater.  I may have snorted a line of crank off it, too, I don’t really remember. Those experiences tend to blend together. Anyway, I bring this up not as

Here’s the thing most people don’t think about when they think about eternity: It lasts. A fucking. Eternity. And as much as I don’t want to seem ungrateful for the digs, if all Heaven has to offer is 6 cable channels, every last one of them airing season 9 M*A*S*H re-runs 24/7, please, please, please give me an endless diet of Swanson Salisbury Steak frozen dinners and nighttime visits from

First, let me remind you all that there is nobody more unapologetically multicultural and non-racist than me: I mean, I was letting Asian teens snort ketamine off my waxed grundle back when anime was nothing more than Super Robots and old “Speed Racer” re-runs, for Chrissakes. — That being said, I seriously do have to take issue with the Arabs who’ve been buying up property around here lately and forming

If I could say one thing to those people who consider global warming some kind of alarmist bullshit, it’d be that, if it’s ungodly hot here in Heaven — and trust me, watching Andy Gibb try to hump Anna Nicole after a night of Patron shooters is like watching a well-coiffed eel try to bang a Slip ‘n Slide draped over a fat love seat — I can only imagine