Owing to the stunning success of the Teresa Heinz Kerry commemorative 3 haiku narrative plate set, protein wisdom is proud to offer this gorgeous companion set, featuring 3 all-new John F. Kerry-flavored haikus. 1. Prep schools, ivy league — all that burnishing can’t turn glass into diamonds. 2. “Were my hair any stiffer, bird shit would slip off like so much white rain.” 3. “You’d think my own plates wouldn’t

Man, he absolutely… 1. crushed that pitch! 2. blew that one by him! Epilogue Beer is good, and so are hot dogs with mustard and relish and onions. God Bless America. Screw Michael Moore Epilogue Addendum …the Twinkie-sucking goo pit of hate.

for John Edwards “I think your hair is perfect! We are so going to nail the chick vote.”

for David Edelstein, et al. Thanks to all of you, I can finally pick up that solid-gold fondue pot I’ve long had my      eye on.

for Fahrenheit 911 Michael Moore obviously loves cannolis. Other- wise, he wouldn’t be such a rhino-hipped      fatsack. coda (unless potato skins did it — which, I suppose, is just as plausible an      explanation.)

Uh, excuse me, Mister, but your pet ape just took a dump on my Tabriz rug. Which, you’ll agree, is pretty      friggin’ un-cool.

for Indymedia commenters Your brains are like Easy- Bake™ ovens — warming over stale dough with dim, low-wattage lightbulbs.

In my dream, Sandy Koufax hangs me a curveball, but I swing and miss.

1. I am quite sexy, she says, though the evidence suggests otherwise. 2. I am quite wealthy, she says, and the evidence supports her story. 3. I am quite thoughtful, she says, and the help curtsy and say, yes, my liege. *Each haiku is etched onto it’s own 12 inch diameter hand-thrown china plate. The plates themselves feature a white background and double-hoop edge pattern in blue and red. Available

for Dick Trickle Were you to pour everything I know about fixing carburetors into a paper cup, you’d still have plenty of room left-over for a full can of Pepsi — or maybe just tap water, if you’re not really into Pepsi.