In the time it takes you to read this post, roughly 20 million American males between the ages of 30-45 will toiling away at jobs they hate—all while Bill Gates licks warm lobster bisque off the perfect gumdrop-shaped nipples of a pair of spike-heeled Honduran teens he’s had flown in for the day. Me, I’ll be trying to get Windows to recognize my fucking USB headphones.* Plug and play my
real-time empirical observations
April 5, 2005
Fortieth in a series of real-time empirical observations
As you read this post, Jane Fonda, lounging on a loveseat with a can of Pringles and a glass of red wine, curses herself—and Tom Hayden, and Ho Chi Minh—after it dawns on her that she’s been whistling Country Joe and the Fish’s “‘I-Feel-Like-I’m-Fixin’-To-Die’ Rag”—a song she’s come to despise almost as much as that one by Francis Scott Key, the name of which escapes her just now.*
March 9, 2005
Thirty-ninth in a series of real-time empirical observations
In the time it takes you to read this post, some guy in Denver, Colorado will have briefly considered climbing into his brand new Ab Lounge before shrugging the idea off in favor of a fourth cup of coffee and a handful of really yummy Vienna Fingers cookies.
February 22, 2005
Thirty-eighth in a series of real-time empirical observations
In the time it takes you to read this post, Mike Eruzione, having taken another satisfying bite from his breakfast burrito, will suddenly find himsef thinking, “America. Fuck yeah!”— this despite having not yet seen Team America, and though he’s not terribly happy with all the deficit spending and the poor performance of the dollar.* (h/t ASV)
February 11, 2005
Thirty-seventh in a series of real-time empirical observations
As you read this post, agitated former child star Corey Feldman hurriedly climbs down off his Stair Master and rushes to change the radio station, but not before the first few bars of Michael Jackson’s classic pop-anthem “Beat It” create a guilty little stir in his Guess warmup pants.*
February 4, 2005
Thirty-sixth in a series of real-time empirical observations
In the time it takes you to read this post, Air America’s Janeane Garofalo—fresh off the 694th media appearance in which she’s compared Republicans to Nazis and American soldiers to misled dupes drunk on adrenalin—will slip into a pair of fashionable clogs and prepare to take a taxi from her Upper West Side apartment to her favorite Soho Indian restaurant, where she’ll sip cardamom tea—never fearing for one moment that
January 26, 2005
Thirty-fifth in a series of real-time empirical observations
In the time it takes you to read this post, Dr. Condoleeza Rice will have been the new Secretary of State (as confirmed by the Senate) for roughly 66 minutes. By way of comparison, former Ted Kennedy dalliance and long-dead campaign staffer Mary Jo Kopechne will NOT have been Secretary of State for 64 years, 5 months, 30 day, and 14 hours. Give or take a few minutes.
January 13, 2005
Thirty-fourth in a series of real-time empirical observations
If you can believe the statistics, in the time it takes you to read this post, Randy Thomasson, president of Campaign for Children and Families, will have thought about getting his freak on at least twice. Not surprisingly, each instance features a rubber brassiere, a slightly drunk Shania Twain, and a Campaign for Children and Families bake sale.
January 4, 2005
Thirty-third in a series of real-time empirical observations
In the time it takes you to read this, Andaman and Nicobar archipelago tribesmen will have reloaded their bows and slingshots and flung another volley of sharpened tree branches and rocks at the Indian coastguard helicopters bringing food and water aid to the remote island cluster. Meanwhile, half a world away, Michael Moore—in what he calls his “homage” to the UN relief efforts—sets up an army surplus tent in his
October 14, 2004
Twenty-fourth in a series of real-time empirical observations
In the time it takes you to read this post, DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe will have been an evil lying douche all of his reprehensible life. That is all.