In the time it takes you to read this post, nearly everyone who attended YearlyKos 2006 will have forgotten about it completely—with the exception of one rather pale dude from Iowa who inadvertantly got lucky with a tipsy Trenton schoolteacher who found herself so wildly turned on by the word “caucus” that the mere mention of it compelled her touch herself inappropriately. —Well, him, and the guy who stole Barbara

In the time it takes you to read this post, pop-star and movie sex kitten Jessica Simpson, on the brink of preparing to tell yet another glossy mag’s reporter about her heroic refusal to meet with the President, will suddenly realize she can’t remember his name—and even with some quick thinking by her press secretary (who helpfully points to her crotch), all Ms Simpson can manage is a sputtering condemnation

In the time it takes you to read this post, Massassachusetts Senator John Kerry, beslippered and nestled in a heavy terrycloth bathrobe, furiously calling in Congressional favors from his suite at the Davos, Switzerland resort currently headquartering his heroic (if ultimately doomed) last-ditch effort to save the soul of progressive America from the encroachment of godbothering theocrats, will have expressed his overwhelming concern that a Samuel Alito SCOTUS confirmation would

In the time it takes you to read this entry, FOXNews’ Shepard Smith—as a way to “psych himself up” for the promised devastation of Hurricane Wilma—will have prank called Michael Brown for the third time in as many hours, this time to ask “if his refrigerator is running” before casually reminding the former FEMA head that, “for tens of thousands of people, refrigeration doesn’t even matter any more, because they’re

As you read this post, Canadian diva Celine Dion, having just been seated at a popular Las Vegas ristorante, bursts into tears upon being greeted by a basket of freshly-baked breadsticks and olive tapenade, demanding to know why the black tourist family seated the next table over “has yet to receive any water” and “why—in a country that can blow up the world in a matter of seconds—these poor blacks

In the time it takes you to read this post, a clearly irritated Arianna Huffington will send back her rack of lamb with Eggplant Charlotte and demand that Le’Cirque’s Sirio Maccioni bring her a plate of Armanac-seared foie gras roasted with whole figs, instead—convinced as she is that CINDY! would expect her to fight for what she believes in!—and that having to endure “dry and gamey” lamb, though not quite

In the time it takes you to read this post, an eclectic mix of writers and C-list celebrities at the Huffington Post will have uploaded 23 new entries demanding that President Bush meet with grieving mother Cindy Sheehan—some of them long, some of them short, and one by Jim Lampley that consists of nothing more than a photo of the cable boxing analyst’s saggy junk with the legend, “Just say

In the time it takes you to read this post, THE SEARCH FOR NATALEE will have proceeded apace an additional six or seven seconds—each and every one of those seconds the subject of a breathless special report from FOXNews’ Greta Van Susteren.

In the time it takes you to read this post, New York Senator Chuck Shumer will have agreed, finally, to accept a light ranch dressing on the side of his Cobb salad, having satisfied himself that his Booeymonger’s waitress, Tina M., is not “ideologically committed” to “rolling back civil rights to the political dark ages, a time when Blacks were routinely lynched—and when women’s reproductive rights were a cash-only business

In the time it takes you to read this post, at least 6 nationally syndicated rightwing talk show hosts are working on creative new ways to frame the question, “So, those libs sure are a bunch of tin-eared cocksuckers, am I right…?”