Kerouac: “Sure, ‘Cheerios’ sell well. But they’re just so 1940’s, y’dig? Whereas my new ‘Daddy-O’s!’—delicious whole grain O’s baked through with bits of cannabis and topped with a sweet heroin glaze—now these really speak to a new generation, man.”
Search Results for: Kerouac
August 9, 2005
If instead of going On The Road, famed Beat writer Jack Kerouac spent the early 1950s dating a young and impressionable Gloria Steinem
Kerouac: “Of course I admire you as a person, baby. But where is it written that a person I admire can’t finish dusting the shelves, then make me a nice BLT sandwich on white, toasted, with a generous layer of mayo…?”
July 19, 2005
If instead of going On The Road, famed Beat writer Jack Kerouac spent the early 1950s working as a South Carolina field hand
Kerouac: “Man. This really ain’t so cool.”
July 5, 2005
If instead of going On The Road, famed Beat writer Jack Kerouac spent the early 1950s developing a “secret sauce” recipe for his proto-fast food chain’s signature burger
Kerouac: “Who cares? Just mix tartar sauce and catsup. Now, what’s say we go do something important, like maybe smoke a little reefer and dress our angst in the finery of words, man…”
May 31, 2005
If instead of going On The Road, famed Beat writer Jack Kerouac spent the early 1950s as an Ivy League English professor specializing in Victorian literature
Kerouac: “…Of course, the title itself is ironic. I mean, Pip, you’ll recall, never does lay his frank and beans on Estella, and Miss Havisham’s ruined coos, symbolized by the dusty, cobwebbed room in which she keeps herself, is a rotting nest of spite and regret—so, y’know, it ain’t like Pip is gonna hit that shit, either…”
May 23, 2005
If instead of going On The Road, famed Beat writer Jack Kerouac spent the early 1950s as part of a fur trapper collective somewhere in British Columbia
Kerouac: “So, be honest. Any of you guys ever, y’know, make it with a beaver? Just to say you’ve done it…? Because I’d be game…”
May 3, 2005
If instead of going On The Road, famed Beat writer Jack Kerouac spent the early 1950s writing for “I Love Lucy”
Kerouac: “Right. And then Ricky enters, exhausted, and shouts, ‘Hey Lucy, I’m hooooome‘—at which point Lucy comes out of the kitchen toking on some primo reefer and says something like, ‘Sure, you’re home physically, Babalu. But where are you in your mind…?”
April 12, 2005
If instead of going On The Road, famed Beat writer Jack Kerouac spent the early 1950s as an Ambassador to Cuba
Kerouac: “Sure, it’s beautiful and everything. But you can’t really smoke sugar cane, y’know? Now imagine these same lush island fields filled with a tobacco-cannabis hybrid. Can you see it? Because there‘s a bumper crop Jack can move, baby.”
April 7, 2005
If instead of going On The Road, famed Beat writer Jack Kerouac spent the early 1950s as a technical writer for the US Defense contractor Raytheon Co.
Kerouac: “What do you mean you don’t understand it, man? ‘Throw some hip into all 6 of your stoic-mouthed screwfaces until each of their steely little flatheads is burrowed tick-like into the newly-dimpled sheetmetal’—what could be plainer than that, Jack?”’
March 28, 2005
If instead of going On The Road, famed Beat writer Jack Kerouac spent the early 1950s pitching Cold War-inspired screenplays disguised as grade Z monster movies
Kerouac: “…And then the giant irradiated lizard smokes the enormous marijuana cigarette, has himself a big bowl of Wheaties, and takes a little nap —at which point the army corp of engineers ties him up and releases him back into the ocean. “Which you gotta admit is like, wonderfully O. Henry-esque, man…”