MILWAUKEE — The Wisconsin man who invented the telephone answering machine died recently at age 92. Joseph James Zimmerman Jr. invented the machine in 1948 and patented it a year later. A funeral service will be held Monday at St. Mary’s Church in Elm Grove. The first answering machine was a box that — Beeeeeeeeeeep. Ah shit…! [re-dial] — lifted the telephone receiver from its cradle when it rang. A

Oh dear God, no.

Ted Kennedy calls Iraq “George Bush’s Vietnam.” In other news, protein wisdom calls Ted Kennedy “John Kerry’s Chappaquiddick.”

Last night I was in the mood for a black and white movie (I’m sick of color, with all its sneering “nuance”), so I threw in the newly remastered Fox Studio Classics DVD of John Steinbeck’s Grapes of Wrath, directed by John Ford and starring Henry Fonda. Good movie, if a bit heavy on the melodrama (every Okie is streaked with dirt and wears a rough five-o’clock shadow, including the

…Overheard at the Fat City Bowling Alley, Littleton, Colorado: “Alanis what now? And who’s this ‘Canada’ person you keep going on about? Quickly. I’m a busy man.”

The good news: my son — who turns 3-months old tomorrow — just spoke his first word. The bad news: if I heard him correctly, his first word was “Allah.” Though I don’t think he’s married to it. Speaking of which, this is funny…

Hey fellas: remember when it was enough to promise you’d pull out? Me too. Man, I sure do miss the early 80’s. Loverboy, especially.

“BOSTON — Police rescued a Boston woman from the jaws of her 7-foot Burmese python after the snake clamped onto her arm and started squeezing. Wanda Nunes, 43, told the Boston Herald that her python Moma went for her arm shortly before she planned to feed the snake two rats Saturday morning. “She must have smelled the rats because she reached back and lunged for my arm,” Nunes said. “Before

“Fuck. I don’t remember Allah saying anything about M1A1 Abrams tanks, Saed, do you…?” [via Cold Fury, whose nice new digs have me itching to do something drastic ’round here].

Yes, but the health care is free. So, y’know… What?