In between swearing off bratwurst and cursing Falco and Nena, remember: John Kerry believes this is how to fight Islamic terrorism. Elsewhere: The Al Qaeda braintrust snickers and enjoys a snack of sweet tea and sesame candy.

Whatever. Doesn’t make the Loch Ness Monster any less real. What, she’s a prehistoric giant platypus, kept alive by very cold, very deep water for, like, eons. Everybody knows that. Asshole.

Sweet! No way my wife can say no to an XBox now. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Beth Israel Medical Center laparoscopic surgery studies freakin’ rule!

“[…] As for education, Kennedy said Bush reneged on promises of adequate funding to carry out accountability provisions in the No Child Left Behind law passed with Kennedy’s help in 2001. The current Bush budget “leaves over 4.6 million children behind” by excluding funding to cover their needs, he said” — Washington Post report on Ted Kennedy’s Brookings Institute speech, April 5. …from Reason: An audit of a New Jersey

Don’t click here. Don’t ever click here. I warned you. Sweet dreams, fellas.

…3 months old, today, and already out of diapers. Which isn’t the blessing you’d think, because now he just kinda craps all over whatever he happens to be sitting on.

“EDMONTON — Corrections Canada won’t let guards at maximum security prisons wear stab-proof vests because it sends a confrontational ‘signal’ to prisoners. “If you have that kind of presence symbolized by (a stab-proof vest), you’re sending a signal to the prisoner that you consider him to be a dangerous person,” said Tim Krause. “It interferes with what we call ‘dynamic security.’ We want staff to talk to prisoners, to see

Wait, I’m confused: I thought we were the McCarthyites, and that the growing tribe of Heroic Dissenters (Manhattan Chapter) trafficked in nothing but truth and justice and puppies and, y’know, freshly picked daisies and such. Name names, Al? Well, the veil has certainly be lifted from these eyes…

Well, that’s one approach. Another would be to hock your ’65 Les Paul Firebird for way below market value, then — when that $500 runs out — start hanging out in bus station bathrooms giving handjobs to closeted businessmen for $15 a throw. From what I’ve heard, I mean.