Highlights from the 9/11 Commission hearings, April 13. Richard Ben Veniste: “Mr. Ashcroft. In response to your assertion that the single greatest obstacle to pre-9/11 national security was the ‘draconian barrier,’ as you’ve phrased it, between the law enforcement and intelligence communities, isn’t it true, sir, that you fear women’s boobies? — “ John Ashcroft: ” — That’s not what your mother said, Mr. Ben Veniste — “ Richard Ben

Yup. That about sums it up.

So I just got back from the doctor, who put me on Zestril and Lipitor — presumably to keep my heart from exploding. Only my health insurance doesn’t cover Lipitor, because, y’know, Republicans are callous, racebaiting, corporate-hugging envirovillains who hate puppies. Which means I’ll have to switch to a non hydrogenated butter substitute, instead. I’m thinking Smart Balance. Or Smart Balance Light. No chance I’m voting for Bush now.

…On the other hand, University of British Columbia students will save hundred of thousands of Canadian dollars (or roughly $128.00 US) each year on pay-per-view porn downloads. So there’s that.

1. “For a man who claims to have lost his virginity to a chicken, he looks remarkably statesmanlike” — G. Beato on Larry Flynt, “Xtreme Measures,”Reason, May 2004. 2. “Could you take a step back, please? You’re standing on my penis” — some guy at a hotel bar in Reno, NV.

Janet Reno, testifying before the 9/11 Commission just now: “Do these pants make my ass look fat, Richard? It’s okay, you can tell me the truth. I mean, we’re all adults here, right? Right…?”

From SFGate.com comes this idiotic column by author and commentator Emil Guillermo. I’ve annotated it out of sheer annoyance. He banged. I resisted. And still do. When I first saw Hong Kong-born UC Berkeley engineering student William Hung sing that Ricky Martin song on Fox’s “American Idol” last January, I tried to ignore it. But, after Hung’s humiliation, there came a nice outpouring of sympathy for the rejected puppy dog.

Wait, you mean Dick Clarke lied…? Are you sure? Because he seemed so earnest. And then there was that sonorous, blue-suited apology to the nation. Don’t get me started on that — I still get teary eyed. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. And Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

The Kerry Sloganator, from Wizbang.

Overheard during a Kerry economic strategy meeting, April 12: Roger Altman, senior Kerry economic advisor: “I think I’ve found the perfect way to ‘combat’ the outsourcing ‘problem,’ John: choice, and the free market. “But you’ll want to keep this hush hush until after the election, okay? — otherwise the whole ‘Benedict Arnold CEOs’ thing ain’t gonna wash. And that would be a real shame, because we’ve already printed, like, a