Heh heh! The same thing happened to me about nine years ago. Only I got lucky. ‘Cause I’m a freakin’ stud, is why.By the way, if you’re reading this, honey, I’m only kidding. I didn’t get laid. Her name was Shelly, and she only gave me a hummer…

“Los Angeles — A man who put a curse on Livermore’s sewer system says he’ll remove it if the city apologizes,” L.A.’s NBC News 4 reports. “Adam Fortunate Eagle Nordwall claims to have placed a curse on the city in the early 1970s because officials allegedly mistreated a totem pole he gave Livermore as a gift.” When crews installed the 20-foot totem pole, they cut several feet off the bottom

“A Mississauga [Ontario] soccer coach has been charged with assaulting a 12-year-old girl playing for the opposing team in a weekend soccer match.” “Halton Police arrested 39-year-old Frank Pesce, of Spangler Dr., earlier this week after the bizarre incident, which occurred on a Milton soccer field during a game between two Mississauga under-12 squads Saturday afternoon. Pesce is the coach of the North Mississauga Soccer Club Panthers.” “Police and parents

Is suburban “sprawl” the vast aesthetic plague environmentalists and (Humbert Humbert) claim it to be? Is America’s diminishing wilderness being overrun by tacky stripmalls and single story ranch homes with American flags displayed on their porch fronts and plastic flamingos dotting their little manicured lawns? Well, not according to the latest federal data on land development — or at least, not as it’s being analyzed and reported on by Ronald

“A woman whose debit card was stolen found herself in profit when she checked her bank balance — because the thief had used it to bet on the horses and his winnings were paid directly into her account.” “Jacqueline Boanson was described in court yesterday as ‘the happiest victim of theft ever’. Magistrates at Cheltenham were told that after her card was stolen she looked at her bank statement, and

Overheard in the control room of the FOXNews studios, New York: First Producer: “…Now, if only some bastard would abduct and sexually molest a West Nile virus-stricken child — and the both of ’em somehow managed to get themselves attacked by sharks — then we’d really have a story…” Second Producer: “Mmmmm. A guy can dream, can’t he…?”

News flash: Our president and his attorney general are, if anything, oversolicitous of the (imaginary) civil liberties of their war-on-terrorism POWS. But don’t hold your breath waiting for the newspapers to notice. — “Treating Enemies Like Criminals,” David Tell, writing for the editors of The Weekly Standard

Reason’s Jesse Walker points to the troubling trend of surreptitious wars being waged against trailer parks. ‘Mobile homes are always being attacked,’ Stewart Brand wrote in his 1994 book How Buildings Learn. ‘By aesthetes for their appearance. By bigots for housing the “wrong” people. By the construction industry for “unfair

CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA – “In a bizarre attack, a job hunter was ‘robbed’ of sperm in Kraaifontein, after a passerby offered him food, took him home and beat him up before forcing him to ejaculate into a jar,” IOL reports. “Police spokesman Ian Rosant confirmed that a 33-year-old man had laid a charge of indecent assault with Kraaifontein police.” He said the suspect, described as middle-aged, had offered the

Life on Mars confirmed. Finally — a plausible explanation for Andy Dick and Crispin Glover…