Overheard in the control room of the FOXNews studios, New York:
First Producer: “…Now, if only some bastard would abduct and sexually molest a West Nile virus-stricken child — and the both of ’em somehow managed to get themselves attacked by sharks — then we’d really have a story…”
Second Producer: “Mmmmm. A guy can dream, can’t he…?”
And the sharks could get trapped in a mine!
I wrote an alternate version in which that happened!
Er, I mean, I overheard an alternate version in which…the, uh…
Oh fuck it.
Palestinian sharks, that’s what the story really needs.
Saturday, I actually heard Geraldo try to justify the hysterical coverage of child abductions.
After referring to it as an “epidemic” he admitted that statistics show that such crimes have been steadily declining for the last two decades.
But, he said, the coverage was still warranted because of the sensational nature of the “highly publicized” cases. After that, I lost consciousness.
If only it had been called the West Euphrates virus or the West Tigris virus…
— or —
Captain Euro leaps to the rescue!
— or —
Peter Singer declares that viruses are people too!
— or —
Bill Clinton declares that this never would have happened when he was President.
— or —
Al Gore declares that this never would have happened if he were President!
— or —
Steve Irwin says, “Danger, danger, danger,” and leaps into the cave to rescue both of them from the sharks.
— or —
Ted Rall says, “Sure, but Bush’s daddy stole the election for him.”
— or —
The NY Times discloses that the West Nile virus and sharks are part of the plan to attack Iraq.
— or —
Bobby
— or —
Visits Puck Hog.
Evil Palestinian sharks spread West Nile virus in Louisiana swamps.
Alligator bait in the Lou’siana bayou.
Oh, the things you hear in newsrooms. Wishing that there’s a horrible explosion in the ship channel or a car chase so they don’t have to do the real news, playing solitaire… heck, I’m not even in one anymore and I still get instant messages from former coworkers in news.
Yesterday’s best: “Cherie Blair: Bleeding-uterus Liberal”
General purpose one-size-fits-all bumpersticker:
Nuke the Gay Unborn Whales for Jesus