Deadbeat neighbor: “You catch the Rockies game last night?” Me: “No.” Deadbeat neighbor: “Vinnie Castilla hit another homerun. That’s, like, 12 for him already.” Me: “Good.” Deadbeat neighbor: “Yeah, we still lost, though.” Me: “Well, what are you gonna do…” Deadbeat neighbor: “Hey, you know what ‘Castilla‘ means in English?” Me: “Not a clue.” Deadbeat neighbor: “It means ‘baby bull’.” Me: “No it doesn’t.” Deadbeat neighbor: “Oh. Well. It should,

Me: “I know, don’t say it: you’ll be grilling again tonight.” Deadbeat neighbor: “Well, yeah, but –“ Me: ” — the smoke was pretty bad last night. My dogs were going nuts. Did you burn the ribs?” Deadbeat neighbor: ” — yeah, I did, but –“ Me: ” — because I warned you about those goddamned ribs. Gasoline is not lighter fluid. It’s gasoline. You rib-burning jerk.”

Deadbeat neighbor: “So, I finally got my own subscription…” Me: “Great.” Deadbeat neighbor: “Yeah, just signed up for it. Delivery starts tomorrow or Thursday.” Me: “Super.” Deadbeat neighbor: “So. Y’know…” Me: “Yeah.” Deadbeat neighbor: “Anyways, nice out here today, huh…? Maybe we’ll spark up the grill again tonight.” Me: “Go for it. Just remember what I said about the ribs.”

Deadbeat neighbor: “Hey, why the long face. Everything okay?” Me: “Sarin gas.” Deadbeat neighbor: “Oh, sorry to hear it… Wanna shot of Pepto or something? Got a huge bottle of it in my kitchen. ‘s no trouble, really…” Me: “I’m going to stop coming outside, I think.”

Deadbeat neighbor: “…You’re not still mad at me today, are you –?” Me: “No.” Deadbeat neighbor: ” — ‘Cause I was feeling really bad about yesterday, just so you know…” Me: “Forget it. No big deal.” Deadbeat neighbor: “Cool. …Hey, you think when you’re done with your sports– Me: “No. And for Chrissakes put some pants on, willya?”

Deadbeat neighbor: “Good morning.” Me: “Speak for yourself. And that’s my newspaper. Give it back or so help me I’ll beat you with a stick.”

Deadbeat neighbor: “Wow. That Kerry guy really is an asshole, isn’t he?” Me: “Told you so.” Deadbeat neighbor: “That you did… Anyway, much nicer outside today. I’m thinking maybe I’ll grill tonight.” Me: “Just try not to burn the ribs this time. It drives my dogs crazy.”

Deadbeat neighbor: “What about this rain, eh? Cold as a witch’s tit out here.” Me: “Yup.” Deadbeat neighbor: “By the way, I do know who John Kerry is. He’s that dude running for president. Don’t know about the asshole part, though.” Me: “Well, you’ve got until November to figure that out.” Deadbeat neighbor: “Yup. Hope to have the furnace fixed by then, too.”

Deadbeat neighbor: “Be careful pulling out of your garage, okay? Somebody broke a bottle in the driveway last night. I think I got most of the glass up with a broom, but I’m not sure. I was pretty drunk.” Me: “‘Somebody’ broke a bottle…?” Deadbeat neighbor: “Yeah. I think it might have been me, if you want the truth.” Me: “I do. Which reminds me: John Kerry is an asshole.”

A few moments ago… Deadbeat neighbor: “So can you at least tell me if the Nuggets won last night…?” Me: “Nope. But I’ll up my offer to fifty-cents if you promise to go inside and change that shirt.”