Deadbeat neighbor:  “Finally the sun comes out, eh?” Me:  “Beg your pardon…?” Deadbeat neighbor:  “I say finally the sun’s out today.” Me: “I don’t follow. I mean, the sun is out every day.  Otherwise the earth would be an icy rock chip floating in the pitch black of space, and life as we know it couldn’t exist.” Deadbeat neighbor:  “Oh.” Me: “Yeah.” Deadbeat neighbor:  Me: Deadbeat neighbor:  “…So.  Any big

Deadbeat neighbor:  “Dude, what’s up with your nipples.” Me:  “Pretty fearsome looking, eh?” Deadbeat neighbor: “Yeah.  Angry, even.” Me: “I know.  Listen, listen…. You hear that…?  Deadbeat neighbor:  “What –?” Me: “– My nipples just called you a bitch.  How cool is that?”

Deadbeat neighbor:  “See that Broncos game last night?” Me:  “Yup.” Deadbeat neighbor:  “I tell ya’, there’s nothing more satisfying than crushing the Chiefs.” Me:  “I dunno. You ever spend a weekend batting around Dan Rather like an aged badminton birdie?” Deadbeat neighbor:  “I don’t follow you–” Me:  “– So tell me, is that a genuine Polo shirt you have on?  Because the closer I look at it, the more it

Deadbeat neighbor:  “You look tired.” Me: “I am.  Just got back from the convention.” Deadbeat neighbor: “What, another comic book convention?” Me: “Depends.  You ever hear about anybody getting drunk and using cherry licorice to lasso hookers at a comic book convention?” Deadbeat neighbor: “Not really.” Me: “Then no, it wasn’t another comic book convention.”

Deadbeat neighbor:  “So.  How are you doin’ this morning?” Me: “Wonderful—and yourself?” Deadbeat neighbor: Me:  “That’s a very cool t-shirt, by the way…” Deadbeat neighbor: Me:  “…What?  Can’t I be friendly and caring, too?” Deadbeat neighbor:  “Yeah, but you could at least give a guy some warning…”

Deadbeat neighbor:  “BEAUTIFUL DAY TODAY, EH?” Me:  “Yeah, I guess.” Deadbeat neighbor:  “YOU GUESS?  JUST LOOK AT THAT SKY!  LOOK AT THOSE MOUNTAINS!” Me:  “Yes, nice, I know.  But why are you talking in all caps?” Deadbeat neighbor: “AM I?” Me:  “Yeah.  And it’s annoying as hell.” Deadbeat neighbor:  “Oh.  Sorry about that.” Me: Deadbeat neighbor: Me: Deadbeat neighbor: “…So.  Beautiful day today, eh…?”

Deadbeat neighbor: “…I’m not a racist, you know.” Me: “I know.” Deadbeat neighbor: “Because you called me a racist the other day…” Me: “I know, I remember.” Deadbeat neighbor: “Well, I’m not one…” Me: “I know.” Deadbeat neighbor: “Okay, good.  As long as we have that straight…” Me: Deadbeat neighbor: Me: Deadbeat neighbor: “…So, that Halle Berry sure is one fly momma, ain’t she –?” Me: “– Okay, let’s just

Me: “Nice t-shirt, racist.” Deadbeat Neighbor: “I beg your pardon?” Me: “You heard me, you lynch-happy moonshine cracker.” Deadbeat Neighbor: “But I’m not even wearing a shirt—“ Me: “Yeah, yeah, go tell it on a mountain, honky.  I ain’t your punk bitch.”

Deadbeat neighbor: “Where have you been the last few days?” Me: “Boston. At the convention.” Deadbeat neighbor: “What, like a comic book convention or something?” Me: “More or less, yeah.”

Deadbeat neighbor: “I’m gonna run over to McDonald’s for lunch.  Can I bring you back anything?” Me: “No thanks.” Deadbeat neighbor: “You’re sure?  A burger, a fish sandwich, freedom fries, strawberry milkshake…?” Me: ”Freedom fries, did you say?” Deadbeat neighbor: “What, no good?” Me: “That depends.  Are you hoping I’ll slap you?”