“Um, that’s my bagel, Mike. Get your own. They’re free. As in, they won’t cost you a dime. The cream cheese, either. “Go on. Go to town, big guy.”
real-time empirical observations
July 29, 2004
Twelfth in a series of real-time empirical observations / protein wisdom’s Democratic National Convention coverage, 12
July 21, 2004
Eleventh in a series of real-time empirical observations
By the time you finish reading this post, Janeane Garofalo will have been “cooly ironic” for 17 years, 2 months, 4 days, 9 hours, 11 minutes, and (roughly) 25 seconds straight. Not that she cares what any of you unhip mallshoppers think.
July 19, 2004
Tenth in a series of real-time empirical observations
In the time it takes you to read this post, Al Gore will have thought back to the 2000 elections 677 times. In 39 of those instances, he admits to himself that he deserved to lose; in the other 638 instances, he soundly thrashes Dubya and Cheney using Matrix-style aerial Kung-fu techniques he’s learned from his secret concubine, Lucy Liu. Who has a tongue like a velvet waterfall.
July 16, 2004
Ninth in a series of real-time empirical observations
As you read this, Martha Stewart is molding her toothbrush into a makeshift shiv using nothing but a pine cone, two rubberbands, and some cherrywood-scented body lotion. Martha ain’t gonna be nobody’s bitch.
July 12, 2004
Seventh in a series of real-time empirical observations
As you read this, Scott Baio is sitting in an Applebees in El Segundo, CA, enjoying a blackened chicken salad and thinking, “Y’know, for all it’s faults, Zapped! has a kind of crazy genius to it. Which, now that I think of it, Willie Aames still owes me $30, the fat little bitch.”
July 7, 2004
Sixth in a series for real-time empirical observations
In the time it takes you to read this, Teresa Heinz Kerry will have purchased a gross of ermine panty liners and told a low-level campaign staffer to “put some hip into it, boy. I’ve got a nail appointment in 20 minutes.”
July 5, 2004
Fifth in a series of real-time empirical observations
In the time it took me to write this post, I could have been doing just about anything else that took this long to do. Readers of this post will find a similar calculus obtains on their end, as well.
July 2, 2004
Fourth in a series of real-time empirical observations
In the time it takes you to read this post, Teresa Heinz Kerry will have purchased a small Pacific island, then fired four members of her kitchen staff “because the little shits dared look at me.”
July 2, 2004
Third in a series of real-time empirical observations
Ted Rall just touched himself. There, he did it again, the sad little pervert.
June 30, 2004
Second in a series of real-time empirical observations
As you read this, Al Franken is rolling up a trouser leg and complaining about persistent swelling in his feet. The young segment producer he’s whining to nods, but what she’s thinking is, “man, this guy smells just like cheese blintzes.”