Big Apple:  “So. I hear you like to beat on defenseless little apples. With a shovel, no less.” me: “Well, no, not really –” Big Apple:  “– Sure you do.  Don’t lie to me.  You like to take a shovel to McIntosh apples.” me:  “That’s not entirely true –” Big Apple:  “– What, you don’t think I hear things?” me:  “That was one apple, okay?  And he was especially disrespectful

me: “Thank god it’s Friday, eh?” apple: me: apple: me: apple: “What, you mean to tell me that wasn’t a rhetorical question…?”

me: “…So, big fan of the NBA are you?” hood: me: “Hip hop?” hood: me: “How ‘bout Kool-Aid?  You like the cherry Kool-Aid?”* hood: me: hood: me: “Yeah, that’s what I thought you’d say…” hood: me: “…Ofay.”

me: “…So, big fan of the NBA are you?” hood: me: “Hip hop?” hood: me: “How ‘bout Kool-Aid?  You like the cherry Kool-Aid?”* hood: me: hood: me: “Yeah, that’s what I thought you’d say…” hood: me: “…Ofay.”

What did I tell you about those Hot Pockets coupons, guy?  Here, $2 off Centrum Prostate Health with Lycopene.  Upper right hand corner.  More your speed, trust me on this. 

Me: “So…whaddya think?  Pretty good fit, eh?” Levi’s: “Not bad.  But before you get too excited, you might want to shave a quarter of an inch off that big ass of yours.” Me:  Levi’s:  “What, you want me to lie to you?” Me:  “Would it kill you?”

Me: “So…whaddya think?  Pretty good fit, eh?” Levi’s: “Not bad.  But before you get too excited, you might want to shave a quarter of an inch off that big ass of yours.” Me:  Levi’s:  “What, you want me to lie to you?” Me:  “Would it kill you?”

me: “Mondays, eh?  How depressing.” apple: “Actually, in apple culture, Mondays are considered holy days.” me: “Really?  Holy days?  That’s fascinating.  So what, you’re like a Druid or something– ?” apple: “– Relax, I was just messing with you, man.  Mondays pretty much suck for apples, too.  Although existentially speaking, any day we’re not baked into a pie is a good day…”

me: apple: me: apple: me: “So, whaddya say—truce?” apple: “Sure.  Fine.  Truce.” me: “Cool…” apple: me: “…So, you feel like maybe splitting a pizza or something?” apple: “Nah.  Not really hungry right now.” me: apple: me: “…Sorry about the shovel thing, by the way…” apple: “Yeah, well, it’s not like I could fight back or anything, right?” me:  “Because you don’t have any limbs –” apple:  “– Because I don’t

Me: “Have you gotten smaller or have I gotten bigger?” Levi’s: “I dunno, which one of us just ate a whole Little Caesar’s pepperoni pizza while sitting on his ass watching a Charles Bronson movie…?” Me: “You make a good point.”