Those of you who think Republicans have no sense of humor should’ve seen Newt Gingrich last night. Because I’m here to tell you, if anybody does a better impression of Jeff Foxworthy purchasing gefilte fish, I sure haven’t seen it. “…So what you’re sayin’ is, that thar jelly surroundin’ the fish ball…that’s intentional?” Christ, I’m still laughing.
September 1, 2004
But what the cops don’t know is that Dallas Winston’s gun ain’t even loaded…
For those of you who missed the last couple weeks because in the course of rescuing a bunch a schoolchildren from a burning church in the Oklahoma boonies you were felled by a heavy wooden beam and subsequently hospitalized: here, catch up. Stay gold, Ponyboy.
September 1, 2004
protein wisdom’s Republican National Convention coverage, 11
New Yorker Hotel “Compassionate Conservatism” after party, dwarf tossing results (semi-final round): Arnold Schwarzenegger, 26’7”; protein wisdom, 22’11”; Jenna Bush, 20’1”, Monica Crowley, 16’8”; Sean Hannity, 16’4”; Susan Estrich, 8’2”; Alan Colmes [disqualified for hugging the dwarf and trying to get him to refer to himself as “a little person”]; Barbara Bush [no show—reportedly doing upside down margaritas with a couple of delegates from New Mexico]
September 1, 2004
red pills found behind the sofa cushions (and smuggled into New York inside a Dr. Scholl’s Air Pillow insole)
Anybody else see that dolphin in the navy blue pea coat slip a wad of rolled-up bills and a bag of ‘shrooms into Education Secretary Rod Paige’s jacket pocket? Because I did. Note to Secret Service: should the dolphin start going on about sea monkeys, take him down right away. Trust me.
August 31, 2004
Your postmodern moment, Tuesday edition
…Anybody feel like emailing ol’ Mark Follman and letting him know the joke’s on him…? Or do you think it’ll be more fun letting him figure it out on his own…? update: Democratic strategist Ellis Henican emails, “Christ. And here I was thinking we couldn’t look any more confused and humorless.” update 2: Follman responds—though he doesn’t fare much better this time, I’m afraid. update 3: Captain Ed spends more
August 31, 2004
A protein wisdom exclusive! 9 lines / phrases cut from the final draft of tonight’s Arnold Schwarzenegger address to the RNC
“[…] unlike John Kerry, who couldn’t lift one of Michael Moore’s man boobies.” “Am I the only one who thinks John Edwards looks like a woman?” “Then Nancy Pelosi got drunk and tried to grab my enormous package.” “How about those Bush twins in their little party dresses, eh? Does anybody else have a chubby?” “And then there’s Cruz Bustamante, who I pounded into paper and used to wipe my
August 31, 2004
A protein wisdom exclusive! 9 lines / phrases cut from the final draft of tonight’s Arnold Schwarzenegger address to the RNC
“[…] unlike John Kerry, who couldn’t lift one of Michael Moore’s man boobies.” “Am I the only one who thinks John Edwards looks like a woman?” “Then Nancy Pelosi got drunk and tried to grab my enormous package.” “How about those Bush twins in their little party dresses, eh? Does anybody else have a chubby?” “And then there’s Cruz Bustamante, who I pounded into paper and used to wipe my
August 31, 2004
protein wisdom’s Republican National Convention coverage, 10
It’s not official yet, but I think I just talked National Review’s Rich Lowry into an actual pissing contest with Air America’s Al Franken. FOXNews’ Linda Vester has agreed to judge it. I’m off now to buy a case of Milwaukee’s Best and a couple of Super Big Gulps. And some yardsticks. Wish me luck. Developing…. update: Gonna need more Milwaukee’s Best, ‘t looks like. Because who knew Vester could
August 31, 2004
protein wisdom’s Republican National Convention coverage, 10
It’s not official yet, but I think I just talked National Review’s Rich Lowry into an actual pissing contest with Air America’s Al Franken. FOXNews’ Linda Vester has agreed to judge it. I’m off now to buy a case of Milwaukee’s Best and a couple of Super Big Gulps. And some yardsticks. Wish me luck. Developing…. update: Gonna need more Milwaukee’s Best, ‘t looks like. Because who knew Vester could
August 31, 2004
Skeet Ulrich comments on Senator John McCain’s RNC address
“John who? Dude, how’d you get into my trailer? Seriously, you can’t be in here. I don’t even know you.”* **** Shannon Elizabeth update: “Skeet Ulrich? Yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s seen my breasts…”