Today, surging Presidential Contender Dave Burge made official what some of us have suspected all along: Jeff Goldstein is his choice for running-mate. For reasons that we’ve already outlined at length, we think this is the optimal choice.* As Burge puts it:
As my Vice President, Jeff will preside over the US Senate, lead policy initiatives, and act as my personal anti-assassination insurance policy.
I want to congratulate Jeff, and I am eager to do what I can to back the objectives of the Iowa-Wisdom/Protein-Hawk ticket.
We all know that John Edwards is offering to eliminate poverty and indeed all other ills that beset the human race, for a modest donation on your part; but we are skeptical. You won’t hear the kinds of concrete proposals coming from Silky’s campaign that you do from Burge. I asked him what our donations to him might mean to the American populace:
Let Silky tilt his $8 windmills. I will put an end to clear plastic clamshell packaging.
This, my friends, is the kind of leadership that America needs. Obtainable goals, explained so clearly that even Progressives can understand them. And I stand personally in awe of the kind of integrity that at the very beginning of what is liable to be a long and arduous campaign, is willing to do what is right and forego the backing of the powerful clear plastic clamshell packaging lobby–for the children.
I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, “What can I do to help the Burge-Goldstein ticket in their juggernauty drive to victory in 2008? I am but a humble citizen journalist.” Yes, but the power of (to coin a phrase) an Army of Nano-Citizens should not be underestimated. Go to your blogs and write, write with passion. Send your donations. Purchase the gear. Spread the message: The Burge is Working! Besides, you aren’t humble.
“But I don’t have a blog,” some of you say. “I am but a humble commenter. What can such as I do?” Comment. Comment with passion and conviction. Also, Dave is presently taking applications for First Lady, so volunteer–or volunteer a suggestion. Besides, you aren’t humble.
My fellow nano-cyber-citizens, we have the power to change America for the better, if we will only reach out to grasp the opportunity. Some people say that America has lost her way. Our motto? Never fear, America: Burge and Goldstein offer a nude erection!
Burge and Goldstein: Hard Men for Hard Times
*See my article on “The Power of Pre-Defamation”
This is a paid advertisement from The Burge-Goldstein 2008 Committee
He picked Jeff to insure a pipeline to the Zionist Jooooo money.
Dan Collins, Consumer Product Safety? RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!
You cannot resist the Urge to surge with the Burge.
BTW: Can I get Surgeon General even if I’m not a doctor? I just love that uniform.
I’ll go in for First Lady, but only if I don’t have to wear pink pantsuits.
It’s all AQUA for this chick.
That is simply too much to hope for. Our mental health could be adversely effected should we allow ourselves to dwell on this potentiality for too long.
“I’ll go in for First Lady, but only if I don’t have to wear pink pantsuits.”
Don’t worry, no pants will be involved.
Yes I am. I’m the most humble person I know.
TW: Why, without me, they would have never finished the bridge across the 1920 strait.
Iowahawk – You are brilliant, an absolute visionary. A grain alcohol sodden satirist of the highest order.
Is that Everclear that you pour over those Super-strength Wheaties every morning ?!
Thank you, but I plan to relax and let Goldstein run things from the neo-con high roller suite at the Western White House (formerly the Bellagio)
Consumer Product Safety for Collins ? ….. Probably better than FDA , God only knows what he’s feeding those Manatees .
Bet the campaign plane would be a hoot tho .
I see Goldstein is in favor of Brazilian immigration… a heck of a platform if you ask me.
I think Collins would be perfect for the job. He could run around testing mushrooms to make sure there wasn’t too much psilocybin in them. I’ve long suspected as much.
Now, me–I would be satisfied with any cabinet position that would involve sitting by the pool drinking a tall, cold glass of something. And not too much math.
I’m a little short on cash at the moment, but if the campaign needs anybody out of the way, I know some people.
Just ask, baby. I’m on the bandwagon!
Oh, and I’ll throw my hat in for Attorney General, or maybe Secretary of Health and Human Services.
Rudy who?
tw: greasy stronger
I hereby apply for the position of Secretary of State. Ah, how the mornings in the Capital will be enlivened as the inhabitants of Foggy Bottom, each in their official uniform of tailcoat and striped pants, make their daily pass ’round the Mall, encouraged by large men with whips.
And I offer a campaign slogan, suitable for bumper stickers:
Burge/Goldstein — The Horsepower of the Narrative!
Regards,
Ric
Jeff’s nice walnut oil body massage from a trio of topless Brazilian women … youtube campaign commercial.
Don’t worry, no pants will be involved.
Oh, skirts then.
For the guys, too? Because that really would be a new direction.
TW: evasive State. A plank on the platform, I presume.
When you guys take over it’s time to re-think the ATF . I mean c’mon , alcohol , tobacco AND firearms …. that’s a lot of plums in one bowl . Think of the graft , uh …. campaign finance opportunities with three separate departments …..
Three words ,
Secretary of Alcohol
The ‘urge to Burge’ in ’08 will swell into a tsunami of populist support for a ticket that at last knows the proper use of walnut oil.
Ummm, hasn’t thewhole “joooooo for Vice-POTUS” thing been tried already.
Oh, wair.
Now I get it!
Vice….Goldstein…..
[nudge, nudge, wink wink say no more]
Oh, and the ‘dillo.
West Wing?
I’m a little short on cash at the moment, but if the campaign needs anybody out of the way, I know some people.
Just ask, baby. I’m on the bandwagon!
Hell Pablo.I’m there for free!!
What the flying Spaghetti monster does Dumbarton Blaine mean??
OH….never mind….SHEESH this thing even knows a STUPID commenter!!
Dicentra: I’m having a late-life ambisexual moment, and I kind of lke the idea of pink pantsuits. Aqua? No thanks.
Burge/Golstein ’08
“Spew and the Jew”
ummm, Goldstein
sorry
Tom–Tom Braider?
Geezer – That was disturbing.
Jeff and Iowahawk – Since we are all members of the Digital Brownshirts, when y’all take office, I would like to throw my hat into the ring for the Minister of (Dis)information. Thank you for your consideration.
In the alternative, could I get a job where all I do is read blogs and get a feel for the prevailing narratives on each side all day long – The Dark Overlord Supervisor of the Innertubes, or something to that effect.
Burgeonomics ? Does anyone dare go there ?
Cancel all the primaries, both conventions, and that whole election thing. Burge wins.
I’ll take Fed chairman. But only if I can get an exemption to the insider trading laws.
“Nice bond rates you got here…”
“Tom–Tom Braider?”
Not last time I checked, but it’s early…
[quote]it’s time to re-think the ATF[/quote]
“Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms” should be a convenience store, not a Federal Agency.
“Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms†should be a convenience store, not a Federal Agency.
Christ, I wish I had said that.
“Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms†should be a convenience store, not a Federal Agency.
…a platform emerges…
“Tom–Tom Braider?â€Â
Braider? I hardly knew her!
I’ll toss my hat into the ring for Official Scandal Lightning Rod. Keep your enemies off-base by having a close adviser involved in a different, sexy Something-gate every couple months. ‘
Wait a sec. Yeahhh, I suppose there would be a certain non-Friday-dancing armored affront to nature in line for that gig already. Forget I mentioned it.
How much is it gonna cost me to be a supreme court judge?
I would also nominate myself for the Minister of Porn, Lap Dancing, and Bi-curious Lesbians.
Best news I’ve heard all day.
I volunteer to help dress the armadillo so Robin Givhan doesn’t imply he’s gay.
Or, I’ll just babysit.
If you will appoint me Secretary of USAC and make it a Cabinet level position I promise to get open-wheel auto racing back to its proper position in this country.
Episode One of “First Nanny”:
Administration in crisis, POTUS finds his closest advisors in power struggle. Despairing, confides his troubles to Nanny, who gives him amazing advice, becoming, over time, the real inside power in the White House, while also teaching proper behavior to her headstrong, spoiled charges. Able to fit amazing assortment of items into her handbag, as well.
If you agree to drop that effeminate “Defense” nonsense, I would consider appointment to head up a robust War Department. Something must be done first about the picayune salary, of course.
1) Forget the Department of Defense. I want to be in the Department of Offense.
2) But foget running it. I would rather a position with a title that goes something like “Junior Special Assistant to the Deputy Under Secretary of Offense, Office of Personal Insults”. The more words in the title, the less responsibility.
And let me assure you that the less responsibility I am given, the better it is for everyone.
Especially me.
TW: rank Reasoning
In my new position it comes below vituperativeness
” Besides, you aren’t humble.
Yes I am. I’m the most humble person I know.
Well, you haven’t met me. I’m the only person I’ve ever heard of who has *three* pictures of himself in the latest Merriam-Webster Dictionary: one next to humble; and two next to arrogant. But I’m so good my arrogance is humble, comparatively speaking.
And I think Iowahawk should make each year’s top Hoosegow Honey the First Lady of the Year. (and no pants, of course.)
Hmmmmmm/ interned outlawing, so I guess any Lewinskis for ‘hawk are just right out.
I’m like Cheney, only with hair.
Plus, I don’t put quite as much butter on the children of my enemies when I eat them.
Which means no heart trouble. “GOLDSTEIN 2016: WHY THE HELL NOT, YOU WHINY LITTLE PRICKS?”
Have you tried Promise buttery spread, Jeff? It’s pretty darned good.
TW: Here’s Dungarvan
I seem to recall that from a past life drinking myself to death down the pub.
Aw man, I was going to put my name in for Sec Def (I rather like a return to the War Dpeartment, however).
Can I be CJCS then? I think I would look damned good in 4 stars.
How long before I staged a coup, you ask?
Why, that’s just nonsense.
Did you see Yon’s dispatch from today, Major John? Unbelievable.
Major John,
I’ve been fiddling with the org chart a bit. Just streamlining a few things here and there. I think “Supreme Commander World Forces” or something similiar is the position you’re thinking of (that would be 5 stars – for an actual net saving of 15). It would also be a combined staff/line position.
I understand that Jeff is perusing some of Lincoln’s domestic policy papers from early in the war. Just a hint.
Bumper sticker…
–jhb
(long time lurker, first post. I’m sure the odds that I’ve boogered the link syntax approach 1:1.)
Time to fire up the want ads .
Wanted : bagmen , hacks and wonks . Experience helpful but not necessary . Salary negotiable , no crackheads please .
Clams got clear, plastic shells?
I like the Cheney/Limbaugh ticket better: “Faint-Hearted Men/ Viagra Times.”
Ew. That’s just so…weenie…
5 stars…hmmm. I’m in!
David “Iowahawk” Burge, next US President? Hey, m…
Today, our esteemed candidate picked Jeff Goldstein as Veep..
Indeed, that’s insurance better than Lloyds of London, and allows Mr. Burge to forgo any Secret Service protection…of the male sort. There’s always room for the ladies, especially tho…
Dan,
And yes, I did see Yon’s latest dispatch. I fully expect to see a CBS exclusive on how good the Stryker is…ha!
I can deliver Chicago for the right price.
Just sayin’…
“Clams got clear, plastic shells?”
Johnny Hart Lives.
Since no one has staked it out:
I want to be Secretary of Shannon Elizabeth Affairs.
Pun thoroughly intended.
Has “Royal Intern Taster” been taken yet? Non-fat and no dudes, right?
Dave probably knows better than to have an Energy Czar but if he slips up and appoints one anyway, I want to be Energy Rasputin.
Jeff:
“Plus, I don’t put quite as much butter on the children of my enemies when I eat them.”
Smart Balance, man. High in Omega 3’s and a real buttery taste. You’re NOT gettin’ any younger, ya know, and those brown babies are high in the bad cholesterol.
Burge/Goldstein: Middle America meets Meddlesome Academic
A PIE ON EVERY WINDOWSILL!
Johnny Hart Lives.
Glad I’m not the only one who saw that reference.
Anyone know where I can get my hands on collections of really old BC strips? Back in the days of Clumsy Carp, the ants going out to see “Nudies Go Berserk”, etc?
As new Deputy Director (Operations)of the Central Intelligence Agency, my first order of business will be to reorganize the division along the lines of Team America. And don’t worry, Major John, I won’t detonate any tactical nukes without first coordinating with the Supreme Commander World Forces.
If I have time.
And I remember.
Very good, Dan.
tw:others have fat angles
And a St. Bernard (or Bernese Mountain Dog, your choice) in every pipe.
[…] unfortunate choice of words, maybe; I’m sure that both of these fine, upstanding gentlemen have a colorful and […]
Put me down for something effete like head of the NEA.
As a little preview of my aesthetic inclinations, consider that I like to think of US Military stompin’ some jihadi ass as…performance art.
kelly – Though I love your taste in performance art, I suspect that the NEA would no longer be in existence should this dream ticket storm into the White House.
I might be looking to fold the parts of the NEA into the welfare component of HHS, should I be nominated as Secretary.
Fascists!
John–Thanks for decloaking. Love the sticker. Did you send it to Dave?
kelly – is “fascists” short for mouthbreathingwarmongeringbloodforoilkillbrownpeopletheocraticprotofascistmouthbreathingintellectuallightweightglobalwarmingdeniers ?
Close. But I find your definition a bit too tautological.
I just wanted to clarify the usage, to ensure that you were lobbing the proper insult our way.
Let’s just say that I find the notion of a Burge/Goldstein administration bereft of such a, um, fine organization for recognizing, uh, the arts to be…unbearable. So, yes, your clarification is illuminating. Also, I figure these two would be as least as adept at pissing away my tax dollars as any other admin has been.
“I figure these two would be as least as adept at pissing away my tax dollars as any other admin has been.”
Ah, but kelly I suspect that the difference is that that they will be doing it literally … pissing away tax dollars … in the Rose Garden ….
(I’ve said too much)
Loose lips, BJ, loose lips.