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a CITIZEN JOURNALIST faces a Monday full of things he simply must get done

Some of these things, insofar as they relate to legal maneuverings, must necessarily remain cryptic. But others — such as my desire to pamper myself with a nice walnut oil body massage from a trio of topless Brazilian women (noon-1:30), or my plans to use advanced nanotech to create a squadron of “mites” that will seek out and kill that one uppity brown spider who keeps biting me in my sleep — need not be.

— The bottom line being that I’ll be posting very little today — though I will keep you updated on my activities if I have a chance.

For what it’s worth, incidentally, Vegas odds put it at 3-2 that my killer nanotech mites project will be replaced by a second and third round of topless Brazilian women spreading oil all over me with their breasts and thighs.

Which, I must say, I find truly insulting — though I can’t in good conscience rule anything out, either.

Developing…

50 Replies to “a CITIZEN JOURNALIST faces a Monday full of things he simply must get done”

  1. harrison says:

    SPIDERS ARE PEOPLE, TOO !!1!!1

  2. JD says:

    Brazilian massage therapists are people too !!!

  3. N. O'Brain says:

    Um, Jeff, won’t the walnut oil drive you nuts?

  4. CraigC says:

    How dare you outsource your massage needs to Brazil? I suppose that’s a job Americans won’t do? Let me tell you, Bub, there are plenty of cogitatively-challenged American girls who would be willing to rub you down.

  5. Pablo says:

    How dare you outsource your massage needs to Brazil?

    If this is some sort of exchange program that involves certain Gleens, it’s bloody brilliant.

  6. JD says:

    Jeff – Just make sure that when it comes time for the happy ending, that she switches to something a little less abrasive than walnut oil, and make sure, for the love of God, that she does not accidentally grab the pumice lotion (trust me on this one).

  7. A fine scotch says:

    Jeff, I, um, am doing research, yeah that’s the ticket, and would like the number for the company supplying you with Brazilian masseuses. Thanks!

  8. TaiChiWawa says:

    You need a fourth Brazilian woman to counterbalance the eight legs of the spider demon.

  9. McGehee says:

    Those aren’t bites — that’s the kiss of the spider woman.

  10. mishu says:

    Brazillian? All I could find around here are Koreans and they like the garlic too much.

    TW: song Gesnichte

    Guten tag, Herr Turing!

  11. TheGeezer says:

    Those aren’t bites — that’s the kiss of the spider woman.

    Egad, Jeff, have you been able to verify the biological verity of those Brazilian breasts? I mean, McGeehee raises a geuine concern.

  12. Major John says:

    I would ask Professor Reynolds about the nanotech. Indeed.

  13. Mr. Boo says:

    SPIDER WOMEN ARE PEOPLE TOO!

    Suggestion: Work insecticide into the the oil, so that way the masseuses can rub you down all the way until bed time. When the spider bites, he will bring about his own demise.

    JD, my jealousy for your experience is immense.

  14. Jeff G. says:

    Great. My Mastercard was just declined at Target. So much for the massage(s) — unless I can convince these women to work for, say, a Leif Garrett anecdote.

  15. JD says:

    Mr. Boo – jealousy ? Pumice lotion is NOT your friend, unless you like to use 100 grit sandpaper as a lubricant ;-)

  16. JD says:

    Jeff G – Just make sure you have plenty of Churrasco, Mariscada, and Bombacado, and keep the Caipirinhas flowing !!!

  17. Dan Collins says:

    Jeff–
    Reynolds has an information bleg up about civilian submarines. Any recommendations ;-P

  18. JD says:

    Also, make sure you have the Thong Song, by Sisqo, playing in the background.

  19. JD says:

    How is that for an ear worm ? HAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!

  20. JHoward says:

    Broad-minded, multi-cultural, fair, tough, progressive, and tough. And both fiscally and gender-empowering.

    Why the Left has such trouble with you I simply don’t understand, Jeff.

    BECAUSE OF THE RULE OF LAW!!111!!!

  21. TODD says:

    Make sure those Brazillians aren’t trannys, could get kind of messy

  22. JD says:

    NSFW !!! NSFW !!! NSFW !!!

    http://www.trannysurprise.com

  23. JD says:

    Sorry about that last one … poor judgment. DO NOT CLICK ON THAT LINK, unless you are heet and like that kind of stuff.

  24. More shame, JD, fake some more shame.

    tw: whose deluge – exactly!

  25. mojo says:

    What was the question again?

    SB: head sensations
    perv

  26. JD says:

    Robin – That was true and sincere shame. It seemed funny at the time, in a high school lockerroom sort of way. Sorry.

  27. happyfeet says:

    You marked it right – is all good I think. Transvestites, they like to shock you. It’s what they do.

  28. BJTexs says:

    I was not shocked.

    Now, if you had linked to dwarfs…

  29. Jim in KC says:

    I know it says “man,” but you gotta wonder–did SWMNBN find a way to off herself?

    http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,289518,00.html

  30. TheGeezer says:

    Dan, you know what the pastor said about transexual dwarves, and the spelling of dwarf, plural…

  31. JD says:

    Geezer – Let’s hear it … I can already hear the rimshot.

  32. TheGeezer says:

    Scratch the post addressed to Dan, it was to BJ. I’m sorry, it’s the Jim Beam and the hyperbolic narration on the SciFi channel’s narration of Egyptian tombs…

  33. JD says:

    I still want to hear the punchline, so that completely random question is not swimming around in my head all night. Actually, i I probably need to hear it. I already have that image of the dwarf jihadis and various permutations of same, thanks to Dan and BJ “The EVIL Wonder Twins”. Without the punchline, my twisted little mind will wonder about transexual dwarves all night.

  34. JD says:

    Thanks, Geezer. I am still trying to figure out what the pastor said about transtestical dwarves.

Comments are closed.