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Damn My Opponent! [Dan Collins]

Whoever he is.  My Earthlink horoscope:

Like a game of chess, you may need to think through your next move quite carefully, dear Aries [yeah, right]. It could be that your opponent is taking a long time to make his or her next move, and you are impatient. And as a result, you may make your decision rather hastily. Feel free to take as much time as you need. Your opponent may be thinking two or three moves ahead of you already, so be sure to concentrate.

Not that I take this seriously.  The REAL horoscopes are in Vanity Fair, with Hitch.  I just want my opponent to know that I’m going to Costco and to do some yard work, so you’ll just have to freaking wait, dude.  Or dudette.  Or Deep Blue or Death, or whoever you are.  And then I’m going to have a couple of daquiris.  And THEN you’re going to see some !!

So, what do you think of YOUR horoscope today?

14 Replies to “Damn My Opponent! [Dan Collins]”

  1. B Moe says:
    June 2, 2007 at 10:08 am

    Mine wasn’t clear.  I think they want me to join Earthlink and go shopping.

  2. Jeffersonian says:
    June 2, 2007 at 10:44 am

    Scorpio:

    You should aim to feel at ease today, dear Scorpio. Remember that inner peace is a big part of your overall state of health. This can be achieved through reflection and a quiet review of where you are in your life. Try not to focus too much on the material aspect of things, but instead concentrate more on your emotional state. Others are likely to feel more sensitive and weepy-eyed as well, so feel free to join them in this exercise.

    I think the heavens want me to troll Amanda and Samhita today.

  3. memomachine says:
    June 2, 2007 at 11:08 am

    Hmmm.

    @ Dan Collins

    I am your opponent!

    P-K3!

    Slash!  Riposte!  Appel!  Lunge to Sixte!

  4. TheGeezer says:
    June 2, 2007 at 11:16 am

    As the Moon moves through your sign your normal approach to life which focuses very much on the physical world may be disturbed by the lunar tendency to awaken your more emotional side. This can be unsettling for you but the best response is to try and open up to this more sensitive side.

    Sounds like today is finally the day to go nuts.

  5. maggie katzen says:
    June 2, 2007 at 11:40 am

    You may not want to openly admit something to someone today, dear Pisces, even though you may know that it is true. More than likely, you are working to hide behind a barrier that has formed between you and a close loved one or family member. If you insist on behaving this way, you may want to consider why you even bother staying in the relationship in the first place.

    yeah, it’s probably time to break-up with my boyfriend.  RTO being home and all.  ;D

  6. McGehee says:
    June 2, 2007 at 11:41 am

    So, what do you think of YOUR horoscope today?

    “Capricorn: What the f&ck are you doing reading a f&cking horoscope!? You’re a rational, logical person like every other Capricorn in the world!”

  7. Cowboy says:
    June 2, 2007 at 12:21 pm

    Dan, Dude.  I sunk your battleship!

  8. Robin Hood Daffy says:
    June 2, 2007 at 12:55 pm

    I am your opponent!  See?  Parry! Thrust! Lunge! Riposte!

    *THWACK*

    Oookay.  Let’s try that again.  Parry. Thrust. Lunge. Riposte.



    *THWACK*

  9. Off Colfax says:
    June 2, 2007 at 1:00 pm

    Sagittarius

    All your friends are laughing behind your back. (Kill them!) Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you’ve got hanging in your den.

    Oh. Sorry. That’s my Weird Al horoscope. Never mind.

    kthxbai

    TW: now48. It means about as much as horoscopes do anyways.

  10. AoS Gaming Nerd says:
    June 2, 2007 at 3:16 pm

    So I have to roll 6+ to hit you with my +2 Vorpal Sword…

    What?

  11. hit and run says:
    June 2, 2007 at 3:58 pm

    You should get out and enjoy a day in nature, dear Aquarius. Try meeting some real people and having a real conversation.  You will be tempted to sit on the couch visiting blogs all day like a loser.  There will be moments when you are tempted to post a comment on these blogs and you should resist them.  The saying “open your mouth and remove all doubt” applies to you like no other.

  12. TheGeezer says:
    June 2, 2007 at 4:20 pm

    kthxbai

    Anime must be banned from the planet ASAP.

  13. JD says:
    June 2, 2007 at 8:02 pm

    Libra – Your appeal to women is stronger than the pull of gravity.  Your intellect is sharper than a newly purchased Henckel.  Your skills on the links are only surpassed by El Tigre Woods.  In short, you are smart, good looking, and dammit, people love you.

  14. McGehee says:
    June 2, 2007 at 8:21 pm

    Hey, when do I get to write my own horoscope?

    …oh, I have to believe in the damn thing first? Shit.

Comments are closed.