You may recall that some months ago Patterico hit on the brilliant device of pre- and post-condemnation of everything ever done or expressed by anyone with whom he might be associated somehow that caused, or was claimed to have caused, any pain to anyone at all. I think, in the spirit of Tony Blair’s expression of sorrow for England’s historical involvement in slavery, that we can do them all one better by crafting a Universal Expression of Sorrow for everything that we as Westerners may or may not have been involved in that causes or is reputed to cause pain and consternation to anyone at all. I will take your suggestions, craft a document, and make it available as an online petition that you may choose to sign. Thenceforward, all you have to do, when someone makes some particular expression of offence, is to steer them toward that document, where you have pre-apologized.
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Recent Comments
- In The Mailbox: 02.28.23 (Afternoon Edition) : The Other McCain on Hey, longtime pw readers…
- In The Mailbox: 12.23.22 : The Other McCain on Patrick J. Carroll truly IS a sad, embittered psychopath
- Danger on Patrick J. Carroll might be a psychopath
- Danger on Patrick J. Carroll might be a psychopath
- In The Mailbox: 07.18.22 : The Other McCain on Patrick J. Carroll might be a psychopath
I nominate:
GET THE FUCK OVER IT ALREADY!!!
…others may disagree.
I’m not sorry for most of it though
I hope the finished document covers; “I fart in your general direction!”
As homo sapiens, I think we should first apologize to homo neanderthanlensis for outevolving them.
I prefer the more succinct and nuanced…
Fuck off!!!
I fell into my neocon ways listening to The Psychedelic Furs when Reagan was controlling me through the airwaves.
India –
I’m American, ha, ha, ha.
I’m sorry – but I’m a victim too.
I want to apoligize in advance to my son for making him eat vegetables, go to bed early and do his homework…that and for corrupting him by teaching him to be “intolerant.”
How about this?
I’m sorry you’re so stupid that you’re still blaming it on me.
I’m sorry that you voted Democratic. I tried to stop you.
I’m sorry that it’s your fault the terrorists are going to get nuclear bombs.
I’m sorry you think the government hands out free money. Where the hell did you think it came from?
I’m sorry that you actually believe the mainstream media.
I’m sorry about all the hanging you guys upside down and putting forks in you, the smallpox (though the syphilis was much appreciated!), the attacks on your divinely-inspired birthright/onus/calling, the lack of teeth, the high-calories, the added salt, the stain on the carpet, my indifference toward the education needed to strongly differentiate between many of the nations and cultures of your regions, and Glass Tiger.
Thanks jon. You can have my share.
I’m sorry that some white people not related to me owned some black people not related to you. I’m sorry that you don’t see holding me culpable for things I didn’t do because of my skin color a racist sentiment.
My sincerest apologies for the Big Bang, and all subsequent sorrows.
Now grow up.
I’m sorry that the Balloon Fence Missile Sheild will never see the light of day due to engineering types with no WWII vision.
Oh, and DDT. Sorry to save you from malaria while eggshells got thin.
Aw the hell with it ….. F*CK OFF!!
Imagine it, an entire world of Miss Havershams, everyone of them nursing their greivances and grudges for all eternity.
Now that I think of it, that sounds like most of human history.
I am sorry that I was beating up the bullies instead of helping them toughen you up. I’m sorry that you’re still a whining, sniveling coward who is afraid of his shadow. I’m sorry that I didn’t have sex with that woman when she wanted me to. I’m sorry that I am lactose intolerant. I am sorry that europeans came across the ocean and stole your land. But to tell you the truth, I am betting that you did similar things in smaller portions. I’m sorry that pangea drifted apart and caused all this nationalistic strife around the world. I’m sorry that my favorite pro football team sucks donkeynuts. I am mostly sorry that I didn’t come up with Idly Awed’s comment. That was freaking brilliant.
Don’t forget the compassionate head-tilt.
P.S. The Permian Extinction: My bad. Sorry.
Paul Z.
<wipes tears> Thank you for that link!
That’s exactly what I was thinking of, Paul, but was too lazy to Google it.
I’m sorry I won’t be apologizing needlessly for things I never did. Look at the bright side – an apology from me will actually mean something.
– I’m sincerely sorry, the KING of all sorrows, for starting this whole fucking mess in the first place…On the other hand, G_d will vouch for me, He made me do it, and fuck Darwin with a white dwarf…..
To which add “I’m sorry that the anaerobic bacteria in my intestines made me introduce a dose of sulphur-laden methane that pollutes the air and Warmens the Glowball.”
“I’m sorry we had to defend ourselves against an unwarranted attack. I’m sorry that your crew was stupid enough to fire on a station filled with a quarter million civilians—including your own people. And I’m sorry I waited as long as I did before I blew them all straight to hell!”
It’s the thought that counts.
The language already offers such a universal apology:
“Sorry about that.”
I have to go all Urkel on you:
I believe that after42 (tw!) of this line, by UN Ambassador John Bolton wearing multihued suspendors, at the United Nations General Assembly, would cause such cringing among the representatives there that no further US apologies would be requested. Ever.