…and I’m wondering: should I stick to my guns and use my real name and identity? Or should I throw on a nice pair of kibbutz-crafted sandals and some knitted bracelets and try to convince everyone I’m the tambourinist for the Indigo Girls?
Because here’s my dilemma: in the first case, I exhibit intellectual honesty, and I’m able to salvage whatever integrity one can possibly salvage for having admitted to attending something called “EschaConII”; in the second case, though—and here’s where it gets tricky—free Killian’s drafts for as long as I’m spinning bullshit stories about doing lines off Michael Stipe’s hairless torso!
Thoughts?
Use option #1 and I’ll buy you a Killian for every head that explodes.
And pie.
I have always found that, when visiting a place that may be hostile but is definitely for foreign, pretending to be someone else is usually the best route.
Thoughts?
I don’t think, I just react.
This year’s “EschaconII: The Empire is teh Sux0r11!11,” is taking place in Chicago.
Insert windy city joke here.
How ‘bout you go as Wishbringer Moonsong (or whatever), and I attend as Jeff Goldstein? Maybe I can convince one of the tan, not-too-hairy outdoorsy wymmyn that I don’t really want to be a neocon, if only the right progressive would show me the way…
I’ve got a ratty tie-dye I’ll let you borrow.
Oh, hell. It’s not the last week of June, is it? I’m going to be in Chicago then, and if I run into Kossacks…
“Please kill me now” comes to mind.
You’re *not* the tambourinist for the Indigo Girls?
Well my blogroll became one name shorter.
If you’ve still got the beard, you can plant some mushrooms in it now and they’ll look leftish by September.
Don’t advertise, Whateverstein.
@ link:
Fear not, Progressives. Only, uh, the PBS audience goes to “jazz” festivals…if you know what I’m saying.
If you choose the latter, make sure you shave your…
Never mind.
Chicago huh? A mere 200 or so miles from my home. It’s tempting, especially considering I am able to easily assimilate into the moonbat hordes having gotten 8 years of training while on tour with the Grateful Dead and Widespread Panic.
Nah, without all the drugs and great music your left with just the smell, which is not pleasent. What is it with hippies and showers anyway? I was always able to get one in at least every couple days, even if it was just a bar of soap and the sink in a public bathroom.
God, the moronic bleating. I’m getting to the point I can’t even listen to so-called Progressives breathe, much less read what they write. Clearly, you have a much better sense of humor than I do. Perhaps I’m bitter because I’m living in Chicago.
According to a recent article in Chicago Magazine, only 18% of Chicagoans vote Republican–the other 82% are assholes. Not one of ‘em uttered a sound when Mayor Daley started installing surveillance cameras on every corner. Next, they’ll be lining up to get RFID chips emplanted in their wrists.
Perhaps we could take up a small collection and nuke EschaConII from outer space. It’s the only way to be sure.
tw: toward. Slouching Toward Totalitarianism.
Wait up a sec…
Will you be live blogging this shin-dig, or ”live blogging” it?
oh Kadnine, that makes me guffaw just thinking about it.
Thoughts? Is a kick in the crotch an option?
Because hanging with progressives requires more than Killian’s.
ahem,
Nothing against the great city of Chicago, but aren’t about half of the 82% dead?
Wait a minute! Is that our Tena that’s organizing? Tena, Esq?
What could go wrong there?
“Of course I didn’t send in a deposit. Deposits are imperialistic! Now direct me to our conference facility, torturer!”
Yeah. They vote, but they don’t pay.
Your pain threshold must be off the chart… I can only take so much screeching and spitting before I start antagonizing people just to see if they’ll have a breakdown… a guilty pleasure at first that quickly starts to feel like setting up fart cushions on the seats of the Special Ed bus.
I can discuss Bush, Iraq or whatever with someone if they can be reasonable.
Reasonable people can disagree… key word… reasonable. Without reason it turns into a free for all and shrillness begins to carry the day.
Good luck.
If you go with option #1, bring your own paste.
Lefties never share their paste with anyone.
Hey look, I’m a thread whore!
Did you hear that the Life Imitates Art meme regarding Spinal Tap and the Grateful Dead continues?
Grateful Dead keyboardist Vince Welnick dies
Oh, and while we’re at it: how come there’s no ProteinWisdomCon? Or should it be ProteinCon? WisdomCon? PWCon? ProWisCon? ProWisdCondom?
I think this question is answering itself.
Bring backup, and leave him outside the back entrance with the motor running. You can always stop by the softball game and get some great shots of the usual suspects there.
Option 1, but loudly pretend to go with option 2 in public while “Hi, my name is JEFF GOLDSTEIN” rides high on your chest.
Cut back on the showers but avoid a liquor smell and cease any comprehensible (and I’m not talking theoretics…) blogging for the week prior as a warmup. Finally, see if any commenters you meet become genuinely concerned or (even more) convinced of your descent into glue/Klonopin abuse.
Or you could just treat it like a reasonable field trip and try to blend in as yourself, with an unnoticed gob of dried kiddie paste dribbled down the front of all your shirts.
3. Profit!
Here’s another. Start a far left raving blog on blogspot. Establish some bonafides under the alias by making a few BDS comments at Eschaton with a link to your blog. Start commenting after a bit on some of the spinoff blogs of the more prominent moonbats that hang there and eventually become accepted as a beta male. Savagely condemn Jeff Goldstein. Now with the proper protective coloration and group scent, don a felt brimmed hat and go to and mingle at Eschatcon II. Get great photos of yourself alongside smiling moonbats at ease in their natural habitat.
I’m sure you’d be welcome under whatever name you choose, just as long as you bring your own eatin’-paste.
..are they laser tipped sandles ?!?
These might be more appropriate.
http://www.thorninpaw.com/mt/archives/000469.html
.. this way you can bring the wife.
What I’m thinking is, there won’t be more than a dozen people there, there are pictures of you on your site, lefty lurkers exist, and they’ve read your post.
If you go, you’d better stick to your guns. I’d go with two 9mm semi-automatics, if I wuz you.
Nope, just feelings.
If you opt for the Killian’s, just make sure to leave your Instapundit-Stetson hat at home.
I’ll bet that there will be a great turnout. There were a lot of envious folks on Eschaton last year after the accounts of the festivities got out.
Keep in mind that with these people have a cause as important to them as resisting terrorism is to the rest of us. Their great loss did not occur on 9/11/01, it occurred during the 90s when they lost the Battle Of Clinton’s Cock. It’s a mid-term election year and just as in the last national election years, the left thinks this is the one where they’ll take control of the narrative at the top, refight, and win their battle this time around. The only way to do that in their minds is a successful assault on Bush and victory by proxy and this year is their last chance to position themselves nationally to do that. Don’t believe for a moment that either the Yearly Kos or EschataCon II won’t boost both their attendance and their pure unadulterated lunacy way beyond last non-election year and both will attract some of the elected officials who regard the Kossack and Atriette types as core constituencies.
If he goes, Jeff will not be the only person from the opposition in attendance either. I think a lot of people realize that publicizing the anticipated antics at both conventions will make the downside a lot more prominent than the upside for the far left.
Is Tena really running it? Game over, man, game over. After seeing what a decontextualized Rorschach test that whole crew made of one lousy word in a Tony Snow press conference, I don’t even want to think about them grappling with the signifiers in a hotel contract.
I think you should go in your Naked Testicle Spiderman outfit.
That way every thing will be out in the open…so to speak..and everyone will know who you are.
Makes it easier to get rid of the “rented” beer also.
The armadillo is probably going anyway, right? So tag along to the after-hours parties, and maybe he’ll toss you some sloppy seconds.
Awww man, Chicago?!
But then, there’s lots to celebrate this summer in the city. There’s all the usual festivals, Lolapalooza, the Gay Games and now EschaCon II!
Whoo-hoo!!!
Jeff, if you do attend there’s a frosty cold one with your name on it. I’m sure even the Downstaters would make the trip to have a round.
Meanwhile, Time.com serves up Ana Marie Cox’s Kos-inspired orgasm…
Just out of curiosity, does Time have any bloggers their stable with heteronormative sex drives?
Jeff. A civilized man always respects the mores of the culture he visits.
In this case, you’re visiting a culture that, from Alinsky and Lenin through LBJ, Billary, Michael Moore, Cindy and Moby, does not believe their opponents are owed an honest debate.
Therefore, the only courteous thing to do is lie your ass off.
Besides, you’ve only had you picture here since JPEG’s were invented; see if any of these geniuses recognize you.
My advice is to not take my advice.
tw:special
Kelly,
Feelings? Nothing more than … feelings?
Dude, you’re gonna need as much Killians as you can get in order to keep what sanity you still have.
BECAUSE THE KILLIANS!
Screw the Killians. You’re going to need Wild Turkey for this one. Lots of it. And possibly grapefruits.
TW: Two. Grapefruits? Not going there.
I think either disguise would work well, if augmented by a Che Guevera lunch box full of yogurt containers of paste with the little flat wooden spoons.
Tell the truth. Nobody at EschaCon II will believe it anyway so you’ll still get the free Killians.
Jeff,
If you really are going to come, shoot me an e-mail. Some of us Chicago area PW fans could arrange a proper reception. Personally, I’d take you to Kabul House and make sure you had so many of Chef Abdul Qazi’s kabobs that you nigh burst and then off for martinis – or whatever the ‘dillo wanted to drink (tequilla shooters?)…
My recommendation: honesty without confrontation.
Leather openwork sandals with black socks, faded jeans, a Che T-shirt (one of the ones with no legend but an inconspicuous bullet hole in the forehead: STILL DEAD), and a dull-green sport jacket with leather patches on the sleeves. The reason for the jacket is to (1) establish solidarity with the Professoriate and (2) conceal the shoulder holster with .38 snubnose Colt (blued, not stainless; ostentation is gauche).
As an alternate to the sandals, drive out to Watkins and ask around. Surely somebody has a pair of broken-down Justins (calf-roping style, with the strap across the instep) in your size they’d be willing to let go.
See if you can get a button made with the portrait on it, and wear that. Don’t get a name tag, or if you do just tell people “Jeff, from Denver.”
It’s perfectly possible to attend such functions without serious danger. Speak in low tones, present you hand loosely-fisted for sniffing, and make regular offers of food. And above all, remain calm. Remember that they can smell fear.
Regards,
Ric
I dunno. Free Killian’s drafts sounds mighty tempting. At some point though, say around #5 or #6, you’re likely to slip and say, “That Ted Kennedy is an enormous jagoff, don’t you think?”
hilarious, Laguna Dave!
lagunadave  It’s surgically removed during the interview process.
If you go, you should obviously go as yourself.
But I don’t think you should go.
If they treat you poorly, it’s no better than you would have expected; if they treat you well, then you’d be obligated to report as much. And then you’d lose one of your favorite petty tyrants.
I think it’d be a wash —unless you’re going to see the sights and have some good pizza.
from Wonk
OK, weren’t the lefty blogs just very pissed and mean to Wonkette? CAT FIGHT!
Toby clinically impossible. Progressives are ALL about the self-righteous tantrum.
Let’s think about this logically – Sure, we could fight them with conventional weapons, but that could take years and cost millions of lives…
Stay away. Far, far away. Many have proven themselves nuts, don’t tempt them.
You could tell them you’re Tim Blair.
Or Michelle Malkin, if they’re regular Kos posters…
I doubt you’d be able to convince anyone that you’re the tambourinist for the Indigo Girls. I have it on good authority that her legs are much hairier than yours.
Fortunately the military has planned for just this contingency.
Characteristics of Riot Control at Eschacon
some options:
Infrasound: Low-frequency sound generators that incapacitate individuals by causing nausea, disorientation, and bowel spasms
Sticky Foam: Incredibly adhesive foam that immobilizes individuals
Certainly no one will touch you if you show-up looking like this: http://www.fas.org/faspir/nonleth.jpg
The Cubs suck………..
Yup. And tequila and a well-balanced hunting knife. You might want to bring your attorney, also.
Fear and Loathing in Chicago?
I lived in Chicago for 5 years. Believe me it is all about fear and loathing.
Hey Mau Mau,
Is the third arm anatomically correct? I mean there are guys that really need to know this. Rumor has it JG is one of those guys. I can see it now, Jeff struttin’ through the crowd: “Look out ladies, don’t let it hit you”.
note to MM: 1) Jeff probably started that rumor himself. 2) The suit is probably better suited for his next Star(Trek/Wars) convention.
Free beer? Damn!
Publicize *that* and the place will be so crowded it won’t matter *what* your name is… and the moment they run out of the beer its People Power in action as the organizers go running for their lives.
Of course it is Killian’s… but its a good starter for a late morning snack, by the time mid-afternoon rolls around the *real* drinking can begin.
Au contraire, Chicago is not about fear and loathing. Parts of it are quite nice, when not frozen or broiling.
NYC is about fear and loathing, albeit more loathing than fear since Guliani. And taxes.
Progressive. Another word distorted beyond recognition.
Dammit, Farmer Joe and B Moe,
You both beat me to the NEED for Jeff to do Eschacon up HS Thompson style. It’s both the only way Jeff could survive and would be hella entertaining.
But what at Eschacon would be the dirt bike race? Ewww…Never mind. I do NOT need that question answered.
The dirt bike race wasn’t really necessary. In the book, it was just the ostensible reason for HST and the Attorney to get off their butts and go to Vegas. Eschacon would be like the police chief’s convention that they go to in the second half of the book.
But if Jeff wants to borrow my BMW R100RT and attempt to dirt race it, I’m sure we can work something out.
Killians? What the hell? Do you only drink stuff that gives people the rampaging craps?
Trust me, if you go you’ll get a prolapsed rectum.
And after someone gives you a Killians, your stomach will be upset.
TW: nuclear. That’s right, C terminal men’s room in CVG, that was me. Too many Killians.
I’m with y’all on the Wild Turkey and the grapefruit and the well-balanced hunting knife, but nobody has asked Jeff the really key question yet, which is this:
Where’s he going to find a 300-pound Samoan attorney?
I say adopt a pretentious greek-sounding alias and go as a community college adjunct. Pussipedes?
I liked HS Thompson’s style even if I ended up disagreeing with him on America & political life post 9-11.
His advice on attending (assuming that you attend) might be, ”Register at a hotel under a pseudonym, and then rent two convertibles – a Porsche and a green Cadillac – so you can switch cars when things start to go bad. Be sure to launch one of these cars off a steep hill.”
And advice for the scaly one, ”Don’t have sex in the lobby – it’s usually awkward.”
I would love to read an account of a Lefty Bash written in HS Thompson’s style but from a righty’s perspective.
So do go Jeff however you present yourself, just make sure to write a report!
Some Thompson Quotes
”Absolute truth is a very rare and dangerous commodity in the context of professional journalism.”
”I have no taste for either poverty or honest labour, so writing is the only recourse left for me.”
”I have always loved marijuana. It has been a source of joy and comfort to me for many years. And I still think of it as a basic staple of life, along with beer and ice and grapefruits – and millions of Americans agree with me.”
Ala Big E,
Option 1, but wear an anti-Bush t-shirt. That’ll take the edge off the moonbats right quick, and they won’t entirely know what to make of you from then on.
As a former semi-touring Phishhead, I am also familiar and aversed in both wookie and moonbat (both cultures tangentially related to the cultures of EstaCcon and Kosbot). Should you require any assistance in gooball construction, wookspeak, advice on which hippies to solicit with funds in exchange for decent muchies and chicken fajitas, hippie ridicule or otherwise, please don’t hesitate to let me know.
And whatever you decide to do, JG, good luck. Godspeed.
tw: Walking amongst the Dead, man.
Should you elect the “deep cover” option, don’t be fooled into bringing only subdued “hemp chic”. This might be “dress-up day” for the attendees, and in order to blend I suggest you make ready that “nice shirt” your oldest living female relative sent you for a birthday some years back.
You’ll be embarrased to find three others wearing the same thing, but that’s what deep cover is all about.
Hey, I’m in Chicago, I can help with option II. Maybe we can attend EschaCon together, as masquerade “gay” “lovers.”
Afterwards, let’s have a good laugh about our “gay” ruse over drinks! Say, at the Manhole disco on Halsted. If you’re into dancing, I can bring some X and amyl poppers.
Stick to your guns, when me and my better half went to see Micheal Moore(on) speak at UCF, we wore Bush stickers as we wandered the crowd. It was fun taking down the lefties arguments point by point and watching them struggle not to have to concede. I loved the lady who screamed at us that we obviously had no family fighting in Iraq, at which point I pulled out a picture of my cousin Peter who has been to both Iraq and Afganistan. While there were other war supporters at the anti-war/anti-bush event we seemed to be the only ones walking around in the crowd and engaging the ‘enemy’
I’d take a lot of acid and dress up like a chameleon inside a gigantic three dimensional star and then get shitfaced drunk so I could talk about space and stuff. . .
EscherCon right?
As Mickey Mouse said to Minnie Mouse after catching her in flagrante delicto:
“Are you f*cking goofy?”
That said, I’d buy you a beer if you made it to Chicago.
Though the armadillo’s on his own, the little lush.
You should go. “Progressives†aren’t nearly as tough or malicious face to face. They’re like the people that flip you off and call you a cocksucker on the street then have a sudden change of attitude when you park right next to them in the lot. The most you’ll get is playground teasing and ostracism.
But be reminded that they will switch to their in-person “debating†technique, which is to state a non sequitur then quickly jump to another once you’ve pointed the first one out. They can do this all night. It’s even harder to pin then down to a line of logic in live and informal debates. Most people find this very annoying but I kind of like it.
I can’t really add much more to what’s already been stated. However, when going in mufti, I would suggest you assume a “Thousand Yard Stare” and stumble through the crowd muttering disconnected words and phrases like: “hegemony,” “discourse,” “Foucault,” “Chavez,” “Ohio,” “Haditha,” and, of course, “worst president ever.”
I guarantee you’ll blend right in.
Yeah, go with big words. They don’t really understand them, and they sure as hell don’t like to read them in context, but they think using them means one is smart.
Immanentize the EschaCon…Or at least their Killians
The Manhole? Nah, maybe a cocktail or two at Berlin
I’m sure you’ll be fine under your own name, assuming you have prepared yourself with a way to extricate yourself from the self righteous confrontation you will likely receive. I have found that sparklers and a solid recitation of a few stanzas of the vagina monologues works wonders for confusing them long enough to make your getaway. If you are planning on a longer stay, I’d talk to Ardolino, as he has experience with this sort of thing.
Go incognito, and whenever you see a bearded guy with dark hair, point excitedly and yell, “Hey! It’s Jeff Goldstein!”
I think Hesiod is available again.
I’d be willing to sneak in just to find out how Majikthise thinks “Therasites” (sic) is pronounced.
Lie! Lie like the wind! Take it from me–it’s addictively fun–wouldn’t the Marquis de Sade get off on spending a day incognito in a nunnery? Of course he would–now you suit up in your best Che shirt and tie-dyes, get out there and enjoy yourself.
I don’t know about whether you should use your real name, but I would definitely bring several guns.
Why don’t you just do what you did last year – stay home, then haunt the participants’ blogs making hilarious jokes about ball-licking?
Who am I, Tbogg? I like to mix my schtick up, baby!
Sorry. You want more ball-licking, you’re going to have to pay for it just like everybody else. Although for you? I’ll let you lick my balls for half price this time.
Because you’ve got SPUNK, kid!
Ok, maybe the Mark VI Bear Suit is overkill.
http://www.radio.cbc.ca/programs/asithappens/entertainment/pictures/troy.jpg
OK, not quite a no-brainer, but a half-a-brainer when you think about it for a moment: Killian’s is a mass-produced, pseudo-imported domestic swill. Being free does not mitigate that fact. So never ming the Killian’s. Get to Goose Island instead and sample some of their fine microbrews
Definitely go with the phony name. Why invite trouble?
Remember, these are Kossies. How many hairs do they need to actually qualify it as a beard?
The men, anyway. Standard for the female (well…) posters are lower.
If you decide to do a full HST on this for God’s sake don’t forget the golf shoes. You’ll need all the help you can get to keep a grip on reality!
Might have to check the vintage/thrift stores to find the old style metal cleats, they get a much better grip in the slime I have found.
Free beer = no brainer
So did you decide to go? (silly question I know, but…)
If so, I’m buying stock in whoever makes Lava soap. You’ll be rubbing yourself raw trying to cleanse yourself.