Wanted: I’m looking two dependable “assistants”¹ to help out on the award-winning² The CITIZEN JOURNALIST Report radio show.³ Time commitment is roughly 30-70 minutes per week. Responsibilities will include:
Position 1: Talent Coordinator
- email / IM / phone potential guests, collect contact information (“now, may I have your home phone number, Ms. Coulter / Mr. Gingrich?”), and finalize appearance arrangements
- write a brief 100 word or less show description for the week’s show (“Bill and Jeff get jiggy with former Oklahoma Congressman J.D. Watts before welcoming that one guy with the animals, Jim whatshisface…”)
- post guest contact info (phone numbers) and show description to the Rightalk show page; remind guests on day of show
- assure Bill and I that our last show was “really quite excellent,” and that “with a little more polish, Hugh Hewitt might find himself less inclined to call himself THE dominant force in the kind of rightwing talk radio that specifically makes mention of bloggers and blogging on a semi-regular basis”
Position 2: Research Associate
- read / peruse some of an upcoming guest’s recent writings / blog posts and outline the main points of her or his arguments
- develop a series of interesting questions based upon those writings
- assure Bill and I that our last show was “like, so hot it actually burned,” and that “with a little more polish, Sean Hannity is going to feel like you have your fist so deep up his ass that he may as well just learn to enjoy it like the good little second-rate radio bitch his is”
If you are interested, please leave a note in the comments or drop me an email. Thanks.
__________________________________
¹ you do not have to call yourself assistants. In fact, call yourselves whatever you want: eg., “I am RULER of ALL TALENT COORDINATORS, SCOURGE of LIBERAL MEDIA WHORES and their EVIL, ELVISH ACOLYTES whose names I regularly curse and whose demise I DAILY root for”
² “2005 Ace Award for Pissing Off the Commenters of a Certain Rabid Rightwing Hate Site”
³ Thursdays, only on Rightalk Radio: “Heating the edge of the new media. By censoring the only hosts we have who actually are edgy. Except for maybe Niger Innis. Who, you have to admit, is a bonafide baaaaadassssss!”
For the record, I think that this is retarded.
What Bill means is, we would really appreciate the help.
And by “we,” what Bill really means is “Jeff,” because up until now, it is “Jeff” who has taken care of all this stuff.
Which is why “Jeff” is so burned out.
Jeff, are you are ripping off my pal Jimmy Kimmel, who is looking to hire a couch potato to watch tv for him?
You know how fame is—Kimmel no longer has time to watch Desperate Housewives and/or look for that red pill behind the sofa. Me neither, but unlike Kimmel I’m not employed by ABC and fortunately can afford Tivo and a little brown maid.
I’m just like Jimmy. Only without the money. Or the fame. Or the baby-faced good looks.
NOT ONE MENTION OF THE DITTIES?
I’d love to help you Jeff, but THE ONE WHO THINKS THIS IS RETARDED doesn’t like me, sooo..that would be a problem…..*sigh*
You wouldn’t have to work for the one who thinks you’re retarded. I can build a fence between the two of you.
Who is “Jeff?”
swimdad
Fine, but I want to be the talent coordinator.
Just warn Bill. I know that it’s all sexual tension. He wants me and can’t admit it. So you will just have to let him know that his desires are just not possible. A fence would allow him to see me, so a wall might be a better idea. If he can’t see me, he can’t dream.
Looks like “retarded” won out, in the end.
Turing word: ‘serious’ As in: “Jeff, having Kathleen do setup for us gives me hives. I’m serious. Big red welts in all my sensitive spots. Don’t make me fly out to Denver with a can of whoop-ass, you retard.”
Or not… Situation is apparently fluid.
Someone inform the help about the fellatio.
I’ll try to do research and come up with questions once in a while, but my schedule is pretty dang hectic so you couldn’t really count on me getting you anything. You should probably see if you can get a few folks to do research for you in case one or two got caught with too much to do.
Ted… D’ya think you and Bill can put together a most excellent interview with Mr Death ? I really liked him in your last movie..
Question for Mr Death: A two part question.. Mr Death, did you also play The Grim Reaper in Monte Python’s Meaning of Life..?
and secondly, if so, could you say “Shut up! Shut up, you American. You always talk, you Americans. You talk and you talk and say ‘let me tell you something’ and ‘I just wanna say this’. Well, you’re dead now, so shut up!” for me? I love that line…
Let’s clarify the fellatio thing. Are you saying that Jeff will fellate me? Or will it be the UC Women’s Sexualympic Blowjob Squad? Because I’d be into that. Not that I wouldn’t be into Jeff. Just, you know, not as much.
Seriously, though. I’d be interested in talking about the research assistant thing. I mean it’s not like I don’t read blogs all day anyway. Drop me a line.
Email should be working now.
Damn it, Bill. I said I wouldn’t be fellating Jeff just the other day! At least not without a nice dinner or something first. Quit getting his hopes up.
With all of this fellatio going on, where does the GAY PORN COCK OF LIES fit into all of this?
Did anyone else notice that “…thinks this is retaarded” morphed into “…thinks you’re retarded”?
That kinda made me snicker a little.
Beck, I did notice that, but I let it go.
Bill, see, there ya go…dreamin. We just can’t have it.
BLT in Co. excuse me? Are you insulting me??? You think I can’t do setup???
I’ll set you up big boy……..
Seriously though, I think I could get Jeff Gannon to talk to you.
Plus (and this is a big maybe) James Baker. I have some contacts in the oil business here. I thought you were doing just bloggers.
Oh, and you know who else would be great. And he would do it for me too I think…2Slick. He was a blackhawk helicopter pilot in Iraq. I don’t know if you read his blog, but he is back home now and he was a contributer to the book “Iraq: Providing Hope.”
In 1971, I was a college intern at KTVT, Dallas, as cameraman for the local “Bozo the Clown Show,” followed by “Fiesta Mexicana.” So I’m here if you need input on production values.
Man, youre old, JW.
I know. I wear my trousers rolled.
oh, OT to jwebb… if your middle initial is L, i think i got your fake discover card in the mail today.
Oh, my goodness, I think we’re exactly the same age Webb. And Craig isn’t that far behind us by the way.
so you guys are like my parent’s age? weird.
We’re Boomers. We never grew up.
Who is Bill?
Also, don’t discout the effectiveness of a dedicated Foley crew.
You’re not referring to the urinary catheter Foleys, are you?
Sparkle: my previous entry at 2:02 was written channeling the spirit of Bill Ardolino. Just imagining the conversation Bill had with Jeff after you volunteered. Then Jeff took the entire post down, so I assumed Bill and Jeff had further… discussions.
But Bill responded much more effectively at 3:05 and all was well in the world.
To further clarify: I’m sure you’ll do very well. Just not sure Bill is convinced yet.
I once saw a baby elephant try to “uproot” an elderly lady’s Foley during a nursing home visit.
Gail: I was going to ask the same question. After 2 C-sections, my wife wouldn’t dispute the effectiveness of a Foley crew, but the value of a bag of urine to a radio program? Somewhat dubious. I think JW needs to ‘splain.
Then Jeff took the entire post down, so I assumed Bill and Jeff had further… discussions.
Incorrect.
Show Ideas:
Listen to Harry Shearer’s “Le Show” and do most everything opposite of that. Harry’s good for what he does – but you guys couldn’t do that, so do the opposite of that which, logically, you (pl) should be good at.
Your listening audience, as such, would appreciate inside jokes and other tidbits – create a bit that recalls earlier shows.
Pull together an “Electric Company” style skit like ‘Easy Reader’ where you read something off a liberal website in a Morgan Freeman-esque tone.
Or something.
Do a show with only one guest segment.
Play ‘GooglePalooza’ where you find out who’s a faster Google-er: Jeff or the Caller. Bill can give out some obscure fact or reference and see who can find the source first, Jeff or the Caller. Hilarity would ensue.
Foley crews are the folks who do all the sound effects. For instance, removing a urinary catheter would be accompanied by mouthing a “splork!” into the microphone.
Now I can’t get that damn baby elephant out of my head. She was a cute little critter about the size of a Cooper Mini, whose sole interest in the nursing home, where she was supposed to provide entertainment for the oldsters, was uprooting the potted palms. Then I saw her trunk delicately snaking around the tube leading from an old lady to a bag on her wheelchair. I raised the alarm and disaster was avoided, but imagine trying to think of the right way to phrase, “Hey your elephant is trying to remove that lady’s catheter” in a way that doesn’t sound like a comedy routine.
Gail – If this thread is going to degenerate into elephantile exortations, then I for one think Dumbo should get top billing. Experienced as she is with “feathers” and all….
wordsoup: “hard” ….use your imaginations….I’m sure you can come “up” with something……
Rueters NS – … Seoul Korea, 4/20/05 ….”Public safety officials said today that six Elephants taking part in a holiday parade broke free from their handlers and ran amok through several shops in the city, at one point invading a restaurant and scattering diners, who ran for their lives. A spokesman for the parade operators said that they apparently were protesting Dumbo’s unequal high billing during the Parades world wide tour. One of the elephant protesters was heard to quip….”First she gets top billing and then her own private trailer…..If she gets that damn feather close to my ass one more time I’m going to stomp her into peanut dust”… Officials say that there were no serious injuries and once order was restored they would be handing out free latte’ coupons…..