Anybody know how to resuscitate a middle-aged dolphin who’s washed down two bumps of caffeine-cut special K cut with a six-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade? Clearly, mouth-to-mouth is not an option—though I do have a can of pickled beets (sliced) and a half-bottle of hydrogen peroxide I’d be willing to crack open in a pinch…
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Recent Comments
- In The Mailbox: 02.28.23 (Afternoon Edition) : The Other McCain on Hey, longtime pw readers…
- In The Mailbox: 12.23.22 : The Other McCain on Patrick J. Carroll truly IS a sad, embittered psychopath
- Danger on Patrick J. Carroll might be a psychopath
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- In The Mailbox: 07.18.22 : The Other McCain on Patrick J. Carroll might be a psychopath
Here I am all worried about Terri Schindler-Sciavo, and now THIS!
Any Epicac in the house?
Because I suggest you have some on hand if you eat all those beets on top of the red pills.
And what’s this Die Jesus stuff? Aren’t you people willing to bury the hatchet yet?
No Epicac. But I do have a plunger.
Incidentally, I posted this over at Vodkapundit just to, er, challenge those poor readers one last time…
Plus, I like when total strangers call me names.
Well, you’ll always be good old “Jim” to them…
Holy Martha, Mother of God protect them.
I kind of like “Jim Goldstein.” It has a ring to it.
Who called me Jim? Did I miss something? I didn’t pay much attention to VP after I was early on excoriated by Steve’s quite demanding and literal-minded readers…
Vodkapundit readers are such losers compared to the mighty power of the PW clan! I read the comments on this site all the time. You guys are the funniest blog-groupies I’ve yet to encounter on the internets.
T-word: slowly, as in, “He slowly withdrew his manliness from the quivering, middle-aged dolphin, who lay stunned after experiencing some of the best sex of its life.
Have you tried waving a tunafish sandwich under its snout? Dolphins are crazy for tuna…just make sure it’s dolphin safe tuna.
Chuckle called you Jim once that I noticed. Sean, I’m going to have very disturbing dreams tonight thanks to you.
That dolphin isn’t named Georges, is it?
Anyway, if he’s been out tomcatting, maybe he’s just all tuckered out.
Vaccuum cleaner hose on the spout, dude. Just reverse the suction back and forth and you’re golden.
Don’t add bourbon in through that hole, though. You’ll just get it back atcha…
I’m was a paramedic, and youre correct..mouth-to-mouth isnt an option.. You’ll need to perform Mouth-to-spout. Lay the dolphin ventral side down. Position yourself straddling the dolphin (like youre riding him). Reach forward to pinch his snout together firmly between both hands. As you do that, seal your lips firmly overly the spout -or- blowhole.. Give two quick breaths into his blowhole followed by ten compressions. To compress the dolphins chest you’ll need to thrust your pelvis vigorously against it (think heated dry humping). Now repeat until either the dolphin begins to breathe on its own, or til the paramedics arrive, or you spray your jeans.. whichever comes first. Got it ? 2-10-2-10….
Baboon Savant EMT3
Seth – I’m swearing off albacore indefinitely – thank you very little.
Jake – lost you after blowhole. . .
Think Pulp Fiction: it’s all about the adrenaline shot.
Because you just can’t take a middle-aged dolphin who’s OD’d to a marine rescue facility without the fuzz asking some seriously tough questions.
In my next Dolphin Lifesaving Class:
Two person Mouth-to-Spout resuscitation, in which one party blows into the blowhole as the second party thrusts their pelvis. Sometimes referred to as Mouth-to-Spout Menageatroision.
Baboon Savant EMT3
JW –
You said 8 lines..! I’m only 3 lines over for Chrissakes!! (rather than my usual 20)
Cut me some slack buddy..I can only trim Mouth-to-Spout instructions down so far.. Any less and I could lose my licence to treat dolphin..
The first response from the Vodkapundit faithful:
Christ do I love poking dorks with a stick.
Hey, did you consider that maybe the Dolphin is just pretending to be asleep to get out of having sex ? Thats not uncommon after a few years in a relationship.
Turing word: stage
..or I should say, in that stage of your relationship..
Jeff,
Your buddy at VP is going to love you when he gets back… Youve stolen 5% of his readers and driven off the other 95%… not that thats a bad thing…
I’m was a paramedic?
I used to know a paramedic in LA who had a great routine for heart attack victims. He would kneel next to the guy–it was always a guy–and say, “You are under cardiac arrest. You have the right to a cardiologist at all times…if you choose not to have a cardiologist, we will rescuscitate you anyway…anything you don’t say will be used in a routine at the nearest comedy club on Sepulvida….”
Spamword, “high,” as in, “I’m high on Life, the little green pill…”
David Lee Roth is working as a paramedic in LA.. I dont know how many Dolphins he’s worked on though.. Maybe if he works the beach cities he might have gotten a few…
I can’t even tell you how much it meant to me to find four emails from JW, Diana, Jake, and Gail tonight. I thought you all hated me, and was ready to delete PW from my favorites. I’m very gratified. And now, I’m feeling like I’m in a kind of AC/DC mood.
I’M A PROBLEM CHILD!!!!!
Speaking as a professional.. I’d rather ventilate a Dolphin’s blowhole than touch one of those nasty LA bums anytime. I’m just sayin’…
CC.. what the hell are you talkin about.? I was crucified on the cross right next to yours.. I mean, a little behind.. maybe you didnt see me.. but I was there. I was the one going OW! OW! OW! OWWWW!
..or Courtney Love… the skank
Did the wounds on your wrists magically heal?
Gotta call my secret admirer…be back.
CraigC – You must not focus on the disciples. You must concentrate on the Master, blessed be the Memories of His Sacred Dwellingness on the Whatevernesses . . .
Craig —
If you were prepared to dump my site from your favorites because of some things said in the comments, what exactly is it you’re after when you come here?
I ask because I find it very discouraging.
Well, shit, Jeff. I’ve been publicly insulted and excoriated by various members of your tribe, abd also by…hmmm someone whose initials are JG…you might imagine that I was a little embarrassed…but I’m here, aren’t I?
I’m going to sleep.
Sleep tight.
It`s criminal
There ought to be a law
Criminal
There ought to be a whole lot more
You get nothing for nothing
Tell me who can you trust
We got what you want
And you got the lust
If you want blood, you got it
If you want blood, you got it
Blood on the streets
Blood on the rocks
Blood in the gutter
Every last drop
You want blood, you got it
It`s animal
Livin` in a human zoo
Animal
The shit that they toss to you
Feeling like a Christian
Locked in a cage
Thrown to the lions
On a second`s rage
If you want blood, you got it
If you want blood, you got it
Blood on the streets
Blood on the rocks
Blood in the gutter
Every last drop
You want blood, you got it
Blood on the rocks
Blood on the streets
Blood in the sky
Blood on the sheets
If you want blood – you got it
(I want you to bleed for me)
If you want blood, you got it
hahaha.
This blog is awesome!!!
Well, shit, Jeff. I’ve been publicly insulted and excoriated by various members of your tribe…
Did I miss the part where a bunch of, um, “neocons” insulted Craig? Those “neocons” can be downright insensitive. Plus, the whole secret world domination plot thing…
Yes Craig, ”I’m was a paramedic” is correct. Obviously its been a few years since youve visited academia so I wouldnt expect you to be up on the latest changes to the English language. Memorize this and use it often…
Craig, from Merriam-Webster New Liberal PC Dictionary Online. Wouldnt want you to appear uneducated..
Main Entry: i’m was
Pronunciation: ‘im waz
Function: verb
Etymology: Ebonics, from Old English bEon; akin to Old High German ich bim am
— used with the infinitive with to express present & futurity, existing arrangement in advance, or current and previous obligation <I’m was to interview him today> <she’s was to become famous>
Can I just take a moment of everyone’s time to be sappy? We’re not just a random bunch of commenters, we’re friends and collaborators. Jeff, you made that possible with your infectious creativity, you infectiously creative person, you.
What’s all the Brouhaha?
I thought this was a
Bloviation
Loutishness
Ostentation
Grandiloquence
Brouhaha….Wasn’t that Hiawatha’s dad?
Why didn’t I take the blue pill?
Yes gail. It was Hiawatha’s middle name as well.
His full name was Hiawatha Goldstein Brouhaha Dolphincock.
He came from a long line of Dolphincocks.
or a line of long Dolphincocks ..
ba dum bump!
Hey, was Hiawatha related to the Virginia Dolphincocks ? Like Powhatan Goldstein Dolphincock and his daughter Pocahontas Goldstein Dolphincock.. or was he part of an entirely different line of Dolphincocks? That would make him a relative of John Smith that was an adopted Dolphincock. I love early American history..
Oh.. sorry guys.. I screwed up and misspoke.. The Virginia tribe wasnt Dolphincocks at all.. they were Dolphindicks… my mistake.. mea culpa.. It was Powhatan Goldstein Dophindick (Chief of the Aqualungian Indians) and his daughter Pocahontas Goldstein Dolphindick..
Turing word: year
oh, about 1616 I think
All the Dolphincocks are related in some way or another. They are well known for their amazing girth and stamina. Grandpa always said, “If there’s somthing that just has to get done, get a Dolphincock to help you.”
Perhaps a tad more on topic is whether the Dolphincocks were so grossly effected by the consumption of crushed No-Doze and Ketamine? Oh, and just try to pour Hydrogen Peroxide on a Dolphincock and see what happens to you. Mouth to mouth indeed.
****
update: some anti-red pill reaction from the staid commenters at Vodkapundit:
CHARGE!
That’s why VP is in the Blogs folder in my favorites and PW is in the “Best Blogs” folder.
As a regular reader of both this mighty blog and of VP, I say, post some more “red pills” entries to VP. Really get their panties in a bunch.
G-d forbid they should have to stretch their imaginations a little. Wouldn’t want to sprain any synapses, nosiree.
And if the middle-aged dolphincock whose blowhole you’re ventilating belongs to Larry Csonka, all bets are off, right?