If you haven’t yet voted in the JIB awards (you’re only allowed one vote), please consider doing so now. Because having been sniped at by a few of the chosen people, I’m no longer satisfied with a win; instead, I want to beat my competitors so badly that their mothers begin bragging about me come Mahjong night.
That’s right. How you like me now, Yosef?
****
update: Who’s your daddy, DovBear?
****
update 2: Yehudit of Kesher Talk uses Bill’s site to accuse me of acting like a baby—presumably for my having been broadsided without provocation by a blogger I’d never heard of. Who knows? Who cares…?
****
update 3: TREMBLE BEFORE ME, CHILDREN OF THE LEVANT!
****
update 4: MY SWORD IS HEAVY AND SWIFT AND STRONG. FEAR MY LONG HARD STEEL, YE PUNY SYCOPHANTS OF YAHWEH!
Um, you’re beating all other nominees combined.
Not enough. I won’t be satisfied until I see blintz stuffing coming out of their ears.
How you like me now, Yosej?
What’s the Hebrew word for “BLAOW!”?
Done. I’m shocked and awed.
Except I see that Ward Churchill is moving up on the outside with a 4-inch knife.
Oh, man, this is ugly.
I did days ago, even before other bloggers got a tad farbisine.
Later,
bbeck
Jeff,
You’re no Shecky Greene, but I voted for you anyway.
Blackjack —
I eat Shecky Greene for breakfast and still have room left over for whitefish salad a mensch-sized stack of potato latkes.
Good thing, too. If you were Shecky Greene, you’d be dead.
Spambuster word: points
I assume they accept goy votes?
Well, if you believe Philip Roth, the Jews are always looking for goy acceptance.
Ba-Dum CHING!
Thank you, folks. He’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waiters and waitresses!
Hey, to each their own. I suppose Catskills-honed comics are Atkins friendly.
I don’t care what Dovbear says.. for my buck, your blog is the best and brightest. Your brand of humor more cerebral and less obvious than most humor blogs. Note that I didn’t say most Jewish Humor Blogs.. Dovbear says your blog isn’t Jewish… I’ve got to ask.. What makes a blog Jewish ? And if Protein Wisdom is in fact the bastard offspring of Hunter S Thompson & Ann Coulter, isn’t it goy by definition? Is it Kosher? Can meat and dairy products be mentioned in the same post? Has it had a Bar Mitzvah ? Hell, is Protein Wisdom even circumcised ?
I’m confused now.. but congratulations anyway for your landslide victory..
So, as a shiksa I’m allowed to vote for you, but I couldn’t marry you, right?
Just want to make sure I’ve got the rules down pat.
I guess for Protein Wisdom to be more Jewish, Jeff needs to start forking over Hanukkah presents.
Where’s my chocolate coin, biatch?
Done and Done.
However, if Jackie Mason had been on the list, I would have had to vote for him instead. So just know that you were my second choice, really.
PS – Didn’t Ward Churchill say he’s 1/64 Jewish on his mother’s side.. ?
On the subject of being Jewish, I’m a direct descendent of both Adam and Eve (the original Jews) on both my father and mother’s side.. and I’m circumcised.. Does that mean I’m really Jewish and not Goy at all ?
I’m still confused..
Just remember, gefilte is a fish best served cold if you catch my meaning…
Done, but I feel so guilty now…
Besides, being the best jewish humor blog isn’t saying much. That’d be like if I won the best redneck racedriver’s blog. Great, so I’m atop a heap of like – six other people.
Done. I would have voted for PW regardless, but looking at the results, it feels like piling on. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
It’s like saying Moe was the smart Stooge.
Can Catholics vote?
swimdad, Catholic
I did it as soon as I following the squalling baby link, dewd.
“What is best in life?”
“To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentations of their women!”
You go, man.
Wait! I’m newly offended for you Jeff. I’m getting a second wind for my outrage.
You aren’t even nominated in the ”best series” category? No Martha Stewart? No Apple? No red pills? No deadbeat neighbor?
I mean, they nominated the “Ben and JLo saga”. (link blacklisted)
Now I’m really confused. Larry Fine is DovBear’s daddy ? That can’t be right – it would make DovBear genetically funny. He wouldn’t be able to stop himself, and yet clearly he can. Stop himself, I mean. From being funny.
Now, if Larry were Jeff’s daddy, well, that would explain a lot …
Done. And thought it might be daily voting a la Wizbang (?) but no. It told me I’d already done my evil voting and begone.
At that time we took all his towns and completely destroyed them–men, women, and children. We left no survivors.
Deuteronomy 2:34
Going for a little of the old-time religion “smite mine enemies, Lord, smite them, smite, smite, smite” action, eh?
Not that it’s a bad thing, mind you.
Ana, are you saying that the Bible is the source for the phrase, “All your base are belong to us”?
OMG! You have tonz of votes! And no one else has even broken 100!! I cannot believe you suckered me into voting for you! (grumbles) I always go for the underdog. (kicks self)
This calls for an imprecatory psalm (otherwise known as a pslam). I like the one about breaking the teeth in their mouths–Pslam 58, also including:
The righteous will be glad when they are avenged, when they bathe their feet in the blood of the wicked.
A modern Biblical translator speaking at my husband’s church one showed us how to translate this so it can be sung to “The Old Grey Mare.”
I want to wash my feet in the BLOOD of my enemies
BLOOD of my enemies
BLOOD of my enemies
etc.
Shit, I wish I had something funny or satirical to say, but fuck that’s why I come here everyday. Cuz Jef he puts the fun and absurdity in my day. Good job Jeff!
ang6666, if it makes you feel any better, by definition, in that catagory, they all were underdogs. So rejoice! (that seems to be another of those old religious phrases that never gets used anymore…I expecially do like that word “smite”. God’s a heck of a good author)
Getupgrrl is JEWISH?!?!?!
Alex:
It had not been edifying indeed. Not being in this hell hole and human zoo for two years now, being kicked and tolchoked by brutal warders and meeting leering criminals and perverts ready to dribble all over a lucious young malchick like your storyteller. It was my rabbit to help the prison Charlie with the Sunday service. He was a bolshy great bastard, but he was very fond of myself. Me being very young and now interested in the big book. I read all about the scourging and the crowning with thorns and I could viddy myself helping in and even taking charge of the tolchoking and the nailing in. Being dressed in the height of roman fashion. I didn’t so much like the latter part of the book which is like all preachy talking than fighting and the old in-out. I like the parts where these old yahooties tolchok each other and then drink their Hebrew vino and getting on to the bed with their wife’s handmaidens. That kept me going.
I’m no longer satisfied with a win; instead, I want to beat my competitors so badly that their mothers begin bragging about me come Mahjong night.
Now, now, it seems that we have a bad case of whose mohel screwed up worse.
Inmate 655321:
Stop it… stop it, please!!! I beg of you!!! It’s a sin!!! It’s a sin!!! It’s a sin, please!!!
Using Dov Bear like that! He did no harm to anyone !
“It’s like saying Moe was the smart Stooge.”
Just kidding, Jeff. Everybody knows Larry was the brains of the outfit.
Jeff, why are you still saying that I “broadsided [you] without provocation?” I thought we settled this. I thought you understood that I was kidding around with a fellow “humor blog” nominee. If you, and your minions, would bother to read my blog, you’d see I’ve had similar exchanges with Esther of Urban Kvetch who is running in second place.
I don’t mind that this has gotten out of hand, lord knows I don’t mind that more people are reading my blog, but it bothers me that you might actually have hurt feelings – and from 4 words, uttered by a blogger who, until today, was hardly read by anyone.
I hope this continued moaning is, as they say, all part of the show. If not, let me apologize again, and assure you further that no harm was meant.
FEEL MY WRATH, APOSTATE OF HELL!
Mojo, Clockwork Orange, right? Burgess is hard to miss even before you get to the old in-out.
This blog has been around for many years. It has built a reader base over time. Dovbear has been around for maybe 6 months?
A brand new blog has been able to take on your blog of years.
Also, in the category of humor you are in the lead, not because you are funnier, but because you have more readers. Please see the head of the JIB awards who recognizes this problem here
No dispute- you have more readers. The JIB awards helped prove that. I should hope you have more readers, you have had a much longer oppertunity to gain them!
As far as funnier? Yet to be determined and JIB doesnt prove anything.
I am also braced for your asinine response.
Damn Jeff. You’re like Bam Bam with a baby duck. Bam! Bam Bam!
Quick DovBear! Throw him an award and run the other way!
Jeff, stop being funny and be nice!!
Here’s my response, Benjamin —
What on earth possessed you to think your opinion matters to me one way or the other?
Benji-
Nothing wrong with self a little self-promotion. Get over it.
P.S. Use spell check. (rolling eyes)
Has this blog been around for many years, Jeff? I thought it started in 2004?
Also, the current score is 692 to 49. I don’t know that I’d say that is “taking on” Jeff’s blog too successfully.
Turing word “gives”!
Steve —
I started protein wisdom in late Dec of 2001 and shut it down in Aug of 2002. I returned March of 2004, after a 20 month hiatus.
Not sure if that qualifies as “many years,” but who’s counting, right?
Benjamin is one of the lost tribes. And I’m thinking Moses and Aaron were more like poseurs of Yahweh.
Also, in the category of humor you are in the lead, not because you are funnier, but because you have more readers.
It’s funny that you mention that. My perusal of the DovBear failed to turn up any “humor.” I’m not just being snide, I really didn’t see how the blog qualified in that category. Please, someone, anyone point me to a sample of the humor.
Tons of missepllingsss, yes.
Childish political analysis rooted in base ideological cliches, check.
But where are the Goddamn jokes?
Condescending twit.
I voted for mypuppywashitbyaford.org.
Hey, well, DovBear did call me a Monkey (see comments in the post I have on trackback). Humorless? Bah, I say. I have a new spleen on order after that witty repartee.
My response to the comment was pretty much the same as Bill’s—“dude, shouldn’t a humor blog have some humor?”
Boy, I wish I had those kinds of numbers. I know: I’ll spend tomorrow in Times Square, handing out blog-themed leaflets, next to that guy who sells the pamphlets of 100 sexual positions for $2. That should earn me another five votes or so. Yippee.
What’s that, 2 cents per position…?
That’s a bargain even by Jew pricing! Pick me up one of those pamphlets, will you? I’ll write you check, promise.
So, O.K., I voted for you.
…although I now have to worry about being smited by isfullofcrap. At least you don’t write about cats.
Dude you’re wiping them out. Its alsmost embrassing, almost.
“Here’s my response, Benjamin—
What on earth possessed you to think your opinion matters to me one way or the other?
“
Good one.
My 9 year old niece says the same thing.
I am suprised you didn’t follow with “you are a pishy head benjamin”.
Yeah, Dovey, it sure read like a “joke”.
Bullshit. Now you’re trying to backpedal ‘cuz you’re gettin a spanking.
“Also, in the category of humor you are in the lead, not because you are funnier, but because you have more readers.”
I really hate to inject some logic into all this pettiness, but regardless of the time involved—which you exaggerate anyway—Jeff’s readership would neither have remained nor increased if his site did not contain some entertainment value lo these many “years.” Furthermore, considering the impressive gap between the votes I would venture to say that time is not the only factor involved in Jeff’s popularity and others’ lack thereof.
But you know, people need to stop losing sleep over a poll that is even less important than it is scientific. So much for having a sense of humor.
Later,
bbeck
Well said bbeck. I respect that.
Thank you, Benjamin, I try.
Later,
bbeck
Dude.. what was the criteria for being included in the JIB “Best Humor Blog” catagory ? I suspect it was simply to mention someplace in the blog that you’re Jewish.. or simply use some bit of yiddish slang that implies it. Actual humor doesn’t seem to be part of it.
It’s no compliment to you to even be in the same catagory with those other blogs.. Protein Wisdom is a Tier 1 humor blog.. and your writing is polished. The others range from mildly entertaining (at best) to dry, boring and self indulgent. Including PW in that field of entries is like entering Richard Feynman in a highschool science competition. Sure he’d win, but so what?
Considering the number of accomplished Jews in the arts, are those really the best “Jewish Humor Blogs” that JIB could find ?
–Bipolar Pundit (previously A Confused Goy)
PS- the above isn’t flattery..I just calls ‘em as I sees ‘em … BPP
JWebb,
Ok.. maybe that wasn’t a great example.. Would Richard Feynman still win at a highschool science competition? Yes.. yes.. I think he still would.. He just wouldn’t win by all that much.. certainly not by the landslide victory that PW is enjoying on JIB.. But I think that the fact that Richard is at this point a dead, moldy, stinking corpse would detract from the quality of his presentation…. but maybe thats just me…
-BPP
Hi Bipolar…
r.e. Richard Feynman, I disagree…I think he would’ve smoked damn near any high school science competition as even a grade schooler (at least, based on what I read in his biography).
Secondly, what is the rationale for restricting the JIB competition to sub-level I blogs? e.g., why wouldn’t PW be reasonable as a candidate? Because he’s too good? I would think the purpose of such a competition would be to showcase the best and brightest of the group. Provocative question: Or does being a “level I blog” automatically take one out of the JIB orbit?
”Good one. My 9 year old niece says the same thing. I am suprised you didn’t follow with ‘you are a pishy head benjamin’.”
Christ, this is turning into some parody of a Catskills power struggle, c. 1955.
Benjamin: go away. That you’re embarrassing yourself is your problem; but that you’re lowering the property value around here with your repartee is mine.
Be gone. OR I SHALL SMITE YOU.
OR I SHALL SMITE YOU.
Too much Monty Python and a poor delivery rots the brain. Still waiting to see someone come up with a funny insult or intelligent remark other than “dude you are funnier.”
There is no accounting for taste, which probably explains why I blogrolled this place.
By the way, if you smite me I might ask for more, I am a glutton for punishment and I had a better mohel. Not only that but the Catskills commentary is something that my 9 year old niece does.
Still typing with just the left hand because the right is far too mighty. Hahahahahhahhahah
Give the governor a harrumph.
Re: Richard Feynman
“would’ve” is the operative word there.. No doubt he would’ve smoked any HS science competion as a grade schooler.. Hell, he would have smoked an HS science competition as a fetus in utero.. THE MAN COULD EXPLAIN QUANTUM MECHANICS! He wasn’t operating in a normal human range. But what has he done lately? Not much… His death seems to have slowed him down a bit.. and as his lower jaw has rotted and fallen off, the once great speaker has been reduced to simple grunts and groans.. But he says more with just a few grunts and groans than most people can say in a lifetime of speaking… Just the other day he totally tripped me out when he said; (and I quote..)
“ Arrrgh Ar Arggghhh Arrgh Arrghhhhh-Arrgh … “
My mouth just fell open… Was that inspired or what ?
Anyway, as for the JIB competition.. I meant simply that I’d like to see Jeff’s work compared against other bloggers of his caliber .. I can’t believe that those 12 (with the exception of PW) represent the “Best Jewish Humor” blogs on the net. The other 11 should be in the “E is for Effort” catagory..
I mean, would Jerzy Kosinski take pride in winning a Jr College writing competition? (Hahahaha trick question..of course not.. he’s dead too.)
-BPP
Dov, he’s still pissed at me for endorsing someone else for the Wizbang Weblog Awards.
I think it’s going to require bribery to fix.
And that would be whom, Bipolar?
Jack–
Yes, I’ve been to your site and I’m quite aware that you think yourself an underappreciated iconoclastic genius, a modern-day Voltaire so totally above the commoner’s fray—and so completely disaffected by all the trappings of human social interraction—that you are unafraid to speak The Unpleasant Truths.
But to be honest, such an affected persona is a dime a dozen here in the blogosphere, and I don’t care shit-all what you think of me, or what you have to say about anything concerning me.
You’re free to use your site to dump you condescension on whomever you think deserves it, to which end maybe six or seven people will bother reading it (half of whom will likely come away thinking the same thing I did when I visited your shrine to your own undeservedly inflated ego: ”Christ, what an unfortunately arrogant cocksucker this guy is”). But this affectation you’re trying on—of a tortured artist whose withering wit is constantly inflamed by the bemusement he finds in the interractions of those not worthy of his attention—well, let’s just say you arent really selling it, Jack.
Because for such a contrived persona to work, the person behind it must actually possess a wit and an air of cool—and not conjure up images, in the mind(s) of his reader(s), of a schlubby Jewish poseur who somehow thinks he can make up for being constantly embarrassed in dodge ball as a child by taking oblique, unamusing snipes at his betters from the safety of cyberspace while he awaits the next Hillel or the JCC coed mixer invite.
You bore me, Jack. And judging from your site and its traffic, you bore just about everyone else who’s ever encountered you, too.
Now go. Scamper on and spread your sunshine somewhere else.
Or don’t. Stay here and bemusedly point out all the comedic influences you find in this comment. Who knows, maybe that one perceptive Jew woman will read your standoffish critique and see past your ironic defenses and deep into your soul, where your brilliance awaits the discovery of a worthy kosher companion.
Or so I’m sure your mother keeps telling you.
Done. At least one Lutheran has voted for Protein Wisdom. You can thank Bill for the link that brought me here and convinced me to participate in this epic contest of good against evil.
Hmmmm, that last putdown by Jeff might become a classic. Bookmark it. I know I intend to plagerize it often.
Swear to God Jeff, this is the image that came to mind as I read Jack’s post … I think I know this guy..
JWEBB: Good point.. Who indeed… Scott Ott & Frank J are both funny, but their humor is less subtle and nuanced than Jeff’s.. and PW is definitely more esoteric at times. (Damn that John Kerry for tainting the word ‘nuanced’
Robin: Might become a classic ? I read that dressing down and it stung like the lash of a new riding crop (and not in the good way either).
I almost felt sorry for “Jack” for a moment there.. almost.. but not really.. Empathy isn’t my strong suit … I think Jeff just won the coveted “ Most Stinging Retort By A Jewish Blogger “ catagory … Definitely bookmarked.
– BPP
Jeff,
You just spent a solid 30 seconds on me. With such a stinging retort I might have to crawl into the rock you are hiding under and give you a big kiss.
You are clearly smarter, funnier, cooler and better than I am. Except that you don’t belive it, do you Greenstein. You just used the same tired retorts you have used on DovBear and a thousand others.
It is nice playing with you. Keep coming to my site, as you said, I only have six or seven readers and I need the visitations of someone as exalted as you.
BTW, just remember the next time you are taking a leak, the joke is in your hand.
See, I just learned how to use trite overplayed remarks. Keep teaching me Big Daddy, you are the master, Mr. Bates.
All my love,
Jack
No. I believe I’m finished with you, Jack.
Though please do drop by and let us know if you meet that special someone at the next Purim dance. We’re rooting for you!
Though please do drop by and let us know if you meet that special someone at the next Purim dance.
Greenstein,
You responded, how could you be finished. BTW, I did meet that special someone and he said that since you broke up with him he is looking for a new bitch.
Should I have been insulted. Keep trying big guy.
Still loving and affectionate,
-Jack
There’s a link to this thread that says “hot jew on jew action” and I find this?
Oy gevalt!
Just a parting hint: slapping “keep trying big guy,” etc., onto the end of your increasingly flaccid retorts does NOT gull anyone into thinking that said flaccid retorts are at all on target.
What it does do, however, is conjure up for readers the mental image of you typing out these increasingly flaccid retorts from your “bachelor pad”, hitting “submit,” and then high fiving your imaginary friend The Dukester, who, trust me, is the only one who thinks you’ve written anything funny, clever, witty, or even interesting.
christ, this is like watching Muhammed Ali box Billy Barty. . . . .
Well, if Ali were a Jew living in Colorado, of course.
JWEBB: I got it.. I got it..
IOWAHAWK playing his best game would be good competition. I don’t think he’s Jewish though.. but he does have nuance and a great sense of the absurd… and he leans to the right, of course. But he’s not quite as consistent as PW.. He runs hot & cold and is prone to going off on obsessive tangents .. He’s probably Bipolar or something.. But when he hits he’s hilarious.
“hot jew on jew action†Hahahaha!
-BPP
Cure for flaccidity: check out the picture of Wonkette’s rack on Bill’s site. There is an ongoing discussion of Wonkette’s rack and the martydom of Jeff Gannon at Ace’s (it’s too weird to describe. Now this thread. Two nice Hebrew boys verbally pummeling each other. Is there a full moon or something?
Holy cow, Jeff is giving out quite the spanking. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone leave a mark through the Internet before.
Who IS this ‘Jack,’ anyway? Never mind, I don’t especially care.
Later,
bbeck
More like Jewzilla vs Monster Zero.
.. more like Jewzilla vs. Priapus Nonexistus.
Forgive the latin
I’ll forgive it, Diana, but you get to explain it to RWS.
Ok, Robin. I’m game! (Just don’t fire yet!)
Lets see… I’m thinking Priapus Nonexistus translates roughly to “limp-dick”?
Yeah… don’t thank me for that little bit of google-bait.
Note to self: Don’t irritate Jeff.
turing word “hospital”. Yeah, well. Close enough.
[Jack wrote yet another comment, which I’ll paraphrase to save you all the trouble of wading through his tortured prose. My professional paraphrase follows – ed]
I’m still better than you, Greenstein, because unlike you I don’t need ego strokes, and unlike you, I just ignore your insults. They just slide right off me. Which is why I’m here responding again. Because I just so. Don’t. Care!
After all, I’m not the one pretending to be Hunter Thompson.
You are a small man.
You are the flaccid one.
But I’ll leave you alone now because all the anger you are showing is unhealthy, whereas nothing bothers me, and I am chuckling about all this. Still! Chuckling like a bemused loon. Because that’s how much I just don’t care!
So. To sum up: I am better than you. And I really don’t care about any of this. Which is why I went and found another IP address to post this through after you banned me earlier today in your insidious attempt to keep me posting here.
There. Take THAT, bigshot.
Oh. And San Dimas High School Football rules!
Well God Damn .. Madness really does take it’s toll.. I’d swear I heard Jack ranting more and more and more frantically.. until his head just went BOOOM !!
There’s something you don’t see everyday…
-BPP
For what I hope is the final word on this nonsense, see here.
And for the record? No, I was not upset. As every one of my readers, bless them, understood.
Funny, though, how those who’ve been so quick to lecture me on not being able to take a joke were totally unable to recognize one themselves—even when the joke puffed itself into all caps and practically smacked them across their faces.
Voted. It’s like 9 to 1 to the nearest competitor. A reverse Masada. Kick ass, Big G.