So I’m sitting in my living room, watching live FOXNews coverage of an East LA freeway chase and enjoying my lunch (a low-carb ham and turkey wrap with swiss cheese and sliced jalapeno), when suddenly I hear a very light tapping at my front door. Well, imagine my surprise when I open it and find none other than that Roaming Gnome guy from the Travelocity commercials—only he’s coated in blood and bits of brain, and carrying a 9mm semi-automatic pistol.
“May I use your phone, please?” He asks me. His voice is soft, polite.
“Sure,” I say. “Help yourself.”
“Thanks. Kind of an emergency.”
I nod. “I hear you.”
So he makes his call (because the car chase coverage on FOX really is riveting I’m not listening too closely, though I do hear something about the Marriott bar and “this bitch tart”), then he thanks me and asks if he might wait on my porch for his ride.
“Sure. Want a soda or something?”
“Why yes, thank you,” he says. “You are very kind.”
So I give him a can of Diet Dr Pepper, and off he goes. Last time I checked, he was just sitting there, smoking an American Spirit.
Incidentally, am I the only one who finds that faux-Brit accent of his just too adorable?
****
update: Okay, he’s gone. And the LA cops caught the guy in the Cutlass. For what it’s worth, he looked like a fairly well-groomed speeder.
I will be there in 28 minutes, 33 seconds.
P.S. Do you have any cleaning supplies?
P.P.S. Oak or Cherry?
If you had given him new Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, maybe the gnome would finally have dished out where he’s keeping all the underpants. Furthermore, if the guy being chased by police on Fox had a refreshing Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper on him, he could have poured it in his gas tank to keep from running out of gas in the middle of the intersection. But then Fox would never have been able to go to commercial, thereby resulting in the destruction of Fox news and, ipso facto, the world.
Caught the car chase at work (it’s nice having huge flat panel TVs on every wall). That was a very good chase as these things go–especially for LA which usually has the single least assertive traffic cops out there.
Was he wearing a “UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs” t-shirt?
You too, huh?
Wow, you really lead an incredible life.
I mean, putting sliced jalapeños on a ham and turkey wrap? That’s fantastic!…
Goldstein, you are one stupid mother f**ker for lettin’a f**kin’ gnome in your house anyway. Lucky the puny little mother f**cker didn’t blow your god damned brains out.
What the f**k is his f**cking problem anyway? Little c**ksucker thinks I wanna hear about his god damed vacation, I don’t wanna hear about him goin’ to England and eatin’ some nasty-ass tastin’ shit food with a bunch of toothless mother f**kers can’t even speak English right.
Hey Jeff, next time you see that gnome, ask him to pass on a message to Schrodinger for me. If his damn cat keeps shitting in my flower bed, I’m gonna deal with him personally, and what I’m planning on doing is gonna make “getting sealed up in a metal box with a vial of cyanide” seem like a day at the spa.
For what it’s worse?..ummm worth maybe? or what is worse?
Ain’t nothing wrong with gnomes.
OK, maybe that “travel gnome” is a wrapped a bit too tight, but mostly gnomes are OK.
My policy has been to shoot gnomes, travel or otherwise, at the perimeter of the infamous Roberts Compound.
Jeff, does this make you antignomian?
I helped the little feller. That makes me a pro…er, progno…um… That makes me a pervert, I think.
Definitely a pervert. What this has to do with a gnome, I don’t know.
It’s an agnomely.
That wasn’t a gnome.
This is a gnome.
And you know it.
<a href=”http://www.contactmusic.com/new/xmlfeed.nsf/mndwebpages/minime explains tv urinating shocker”>Gnomes Gone Wild</a>
Jeff- I am so pleased to know that your preferred carbonated beverage is Diet Dr. Pepper.
I think I saw that guy the other day at PVPonline.com.
He’s got some anger management issues, I’m thinking.
(Spam word: “increase”—which is just so relevant … I mean, it must be…)
Cocktails