As a Bush-supporting CITIZEN JOURNALIST looking to earn his PRO-FAMILY BONA FIDES, I hereby SWEAR, to the ALMIGHTY HE WHO ABHORS NAUGHTY LANGUAGE AND OTHER SINS OF EXPRESSION, to practice strict family values on this blog—and TO TEMPER MY POTTY MOUTH until such a time when SOME FILTHY LEFTIST REALLY REALLY, Y’KNOW, HAS IT COMING – AND YOU’D LIKE ME TO LET LOOSE ON THAT PARTICULAR ANTI-FAMILY COMMIE FUCK LIKE YAHWEH ON A BATTALION OF UPPITY BABYLONIANS.
Among the words I will no longer use:
1. COCK – unless and until I am required to refer to a rooster, and find the word “rooster” inappropriate to the rhetorical situation (for instance, in a poem, where a one-syllable referent for rooster is called for. Eg. “My cock rose early to greet the morn”).
2. ASS-FUCKING – unless used in the context of COVETING and MY NEIGHBOR. And even then, there’s no excuse for “fucking,” when clearly “fornication” or “congress” or “coupling” will do. References to Wonkette that in the past have relied upon such a descriptor will be edited to express the more pro-family phrase, “tushy pushy pickle tickle.”
3. SUCK* (-ing, -s, -ahotwetcoosmmmmmm) Such an ugly verb. So anti-family—unless one is describing the completely wholesome and family-friendly activity of sharing an ice cream float with a friend* [of the opposite sex only, please] through a single straw.
4. BLOW JOB / HUMMER / KNOB-POLISHING JISM SLURPY – Really. Must we employ such filth? Why not be creative? When pro-family people have their pee pees orally gratified, something like “a smile stretched across the ramrod-straight stalk of his tingling nethers” works just as well. Or better yet, just pretend it never happens. Also to be vetted carefully: any use of the verb “LICK.”
5. PIMP – don’t get me started on this ugly sandwich of unaspirated voiced bilabial plosives*. Again, this is pro-family AMERICA. Try “free-market provider of funny-feel rental holes with dirty dirty souls.”
…and many, many more, to be determined by ORGANIZATIONAL LEADERS WITHIN THE PRO-FAMILY MOVEMENT and to be PROFFERED via A PRO-FAMILY MAILING LIST, of which I am now a happy registree.
In so doing, I, the undersigned, am eligible to receive an INVITATION to the REPUBLICAN BIG TENT OF 2008, provided I do not significantly DEVIATE from the TERMS OF MY PRO-FAMILY PROBATION, to be determined by a panel of my DEMONSTRABLY PRO-FAMILY betters.
Sincerely,
protein wisdom
****
OTBW
You forgot “pussy.”
Just trying to help.
4. Instead of those heinous terms, how about “facial pleasure”?
I think “bilabial fricative” would be a good substitute for blowjob.
…new meds?
“bilabial fricative”?
Would not “pimp” involve bilabial implosions, two of them, no less?
P.S. My code word for this comment is “soviet.” What the fornication/congress/coupling is going on around here??
Oh, now you’ve done it. There’s going to be fighting in the comments on this thread.
By the way, you left out “neologism”. There’s just no place for this word in polite company.
Hey! My Turing word was “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”. That isn’t fair!!!
George —
Yes. Two Bilabial stops (plosives).
“Pushy tushy pickle tickle” will come in handy during discussions about The Great Emancipator’s sexuality. As in, “Lincoln may have won the debates, but in their clandestine later meetings, Douglas was the one doling out the pushy tushy pickle tickle.”
But with bilabial fricatives all stops are off.
Kid Rock: “Man, I tell you- That Goldstein is one ASS-FUCKING KNOB-POLISHING COCK SUCKING PIMP…oh wait, can I say that here?
Is this mic on? Oh shit.
Hey Leif, how do you chill out Goldstein? “
Glad to see you’re taking it in stride, JG. I was worried you’d overreact.
Finally, a platform all we big-tent Republicans can pushy tushy.
PAT BOONE IS MY MASTER!
Allah —
Were I to respond to you, I’m afraid I’d be in violation my PRO-FAMILY probation.
Careful what you say: Pat Boone did record a song titled “When the Swallow Come Back to Capistrano”.
RANDY THOMASSON IS MY MASTER!
”Useful idiot” has been done to death. Here are some alternate suggestions for Randy Thomasson and his bretheren:
Useful misguided souls
Godless utilitarians
Useful hell-bound vote goats
Quadrennially useful satan hags
Our Deically-challenged friends
Turing word: “arms”. As in: “up in”
Hey! Jeff got George Carlin to guestblog! And here I thought he was in rehab.
Randy Thomasson? Never heard of the guy.
His slogan is “Yahweh Myway or the Highway.”
I think pearl necklaces should be banned as decorative wear at inaugural parties- WAY too suggestive.
Jeff: I really hope that you actually sent this…
Mary Mapes believes that the memo above was signed by one of Lt. George W. Bush’s superior officers and establishes that he was AWOL from duty.
I can’t believe I once liked this site. You are a hater of Christians and feel free to mock our deeply held beliefs in family.
Your gutter mouth is indicative of a shallow mind and of a heart that has not yet found its place in goodness.
Mike —
Pat Boone forgives you your hate.
Thanks, Mike. My heart has now found its place in burn-ness.
Can we now talk about the deeply held beliefs in family of Charles Manson?
Okay, MC – TAG you’re it!
C’mon Jeff, you’re people (that is, screeching howler monkeys who like porn and Arthur Laffer; not the sons of Abraham) would rather be kept on the fringe anyway. Gives you a target rich environment at which to throw your vodka-sodden poo without the danger of friendly casualties.
Tim McNabb
fivehundredwords.com
I thought Teresa Kerry said it was vodka-sodden raisins that were good for flinging. Or eating. Or something.
As I recall, Jeff, you do “Family Values” quite well.
A hater of Christians?
That wasn’t YOU who killed Jesus, was it Jeff?
You got some esplainin’ to do…
Dear Mr. Rove:
As a man who enjoys alcoholic beverages, sexual intercourse, and occasional use of the word “cunt,” I’m deeply disappointed that the leadership of our party would rescind Kid Rock’s invitation to perform as part of this year’s inauguration festivities.
I say “our party,” Mr. Rove, because I, too, am a Republican. A “big-tent Republican,” to be precise. And let me assure you, there are few things more important to a big-tent Republican than having his political party validate his vices by showcasing someone who practices them to freakish excess at a presidential event.
I beseech you, Mr. Rove: embrace our nation’s pimp. Raise him up, that when next I place my penis inside my lady friend (or gentleman friend!) I might smile and say, “My party approves.”
Failure to reinstate Mr. Rock’s invitation shall force me to consider alternative political parties. Already I have been contacted by a Mr. Andrew Sullivan with an offer of membership in his “Coalition of Hugs,” which has dedicated itself to combatting intolerance through a comprehensive program of federally funded daily affirmations. When the Coalition takes power, the only bomb our military will drop is the F bomb.
Yours in cunts,
“A”
Tim —
Careful. Lots of disease in need of eradication around these parts.
Onward Christian Soldier!
Yes. I need The Party to validate my vices. BINGO!
It’s not that I hate to see The Party let a bunch of preachy fingerwaggers turn the choice of musical guest at a Youth Party into a referendum on morality. No! It’s that I need to have my desire to say COCK validated.
I need acceptance for my potty mouth. MY POTTY MOUTH DEMANDS INCLUSION.
Tolerance. Tolerance for cunt lovers.
That’s what I ask.
BINGO!
I think we can safely assume Jeff is a believer in family.
You are a hater of Christians and feel free to mock our deeply held beliefs in family.
God, I hate fighting. ‘Cause I’m a peaceful hawk, you know. Or some ridiculous shit like that.
But hey, Mike R, I don’t feel hated, and neither should you. Furthermore, I’ve got deeply held beliefs (conservative, even) in family, God, country, but I’ve got a potty-mouth to rival Jeff’s, myself.
Lighten up, dude. Actions speak louder than words. (Example: canceling Kid Rock.)
Umm… I thought Hummer was a car?
I was really fine with everything until ‘nethers’ and ‘bilabial’ showed up within 40 words of each other. I mean in the subjective sense, the airstream mechanism is pulmonic egressive, which means it is articulated by pushing air out of the lungs and through the vocal tract, rather than from the glottis or the mouth. Which works fine in the apparent cases that Jeff describes.
But, what’s the hidden, plaintive cry hidden in these code words? Why hide the lamp under a bushel? Are those promises so male inflected that you have to hide what you really want? Or are you reserving future requests by encoding such?
Would it be so hard to promise: “I will not demand pie anymore”?
Okay, sorry. I see now that you’re making a very limited point about religious scolds trying to co-opt an isolated event. Initially I thought you were making a grander statement about the Republican big tent, which might have to do with the fact that in your original post you said, “So much for that Republican big tent”. And, “Gee, I wonder if anybody’s told Mr. Rock just whose party this is?” My mistake.
In all seriousness, Jeff, I take your point that my letter to Rove misrepresents your position. Granted. But not everyone on this side is engaged in “faux outrage and moralistic posturing,” to quote from your earlier post. Just because Thomasson and his cult of the family are lined up with me in this case isn’t a good enough reason to switch: I think an event associated with the inauguration demands a little more dignity than KR would provide, and if Thomasson wants to jack himself off in the meantime over family values, let him. As for the “big tent” argument, I continue not to understand it in this case. No one’s asked KR to leave the party, no one’s said he’s been anything less than a total mensch in performing for the troops. Which is to say: he’s well inside the tent. I just don’t want to see him in the center ring as a performer. Selling oneself as a pimp to a mostly teenaged audience should carry some consequences in public life, right?
The more I think about it, the more I realize this whole stupid debate boils down to how one sees the youth concert. Is it an Official Inauguration Event (yes) or just some dumb show where kids can blow off steam (yes)? Either way, I’m done with it.
HUGH HEWITT IS MY MASTER!
Sorry, forgot to close my tag in that last comment.
Allah —
Those remarks about the big tent and about whose party this is were quite clearly aimed at those who are presuming to decide such things.
And I am NOT lumping everyone on your side of this question into the same category; I am bothered by those who are making an active fuss about this, and trying to make it, as I mentioned before, a referendum on morals.
Put it this way: Had the Bush twins decided to invite a Christian Rock band, I would have been aesthetically appalled, but I wouldn’t have launched a boycott demanding they be disinvited because I’m a Jew who voted Republican this election and am offended by the insistance of these pseudo-rockers that Christ is my only chance to keep out of Hell.
In short, by making this into a political issue, these moral scolds have tried to take control of the tent.
Jeff, you know I think your great. But aren’t you making a bit too much of this?
Well, I suppose that depends on how seriously you think all this affects me.
But it seems as good a subject as any to write on—particurly now that enough people have to gone to the trouble of contacting their representatives in order to get KR’s invitation rescinded.
Tell you what, though. From now on, I’ll put up a poll at the beginning of the day and you all can decide what I write on. Sound good?
Eg. You want a post on processed meat, you got it! AS A CITIZEN JOURNALIST, I AM HERE TO SERVE THE GOOD.
The day you put up a poll asking us morons what you should write about is the day I will stop reading the best blog on the net.
JEFF GOLDSTEIN IS MY MASTER!
(The check cleared – thanks, Jeff).
Anyone else getting flashbacks of Tipper Gore getting lampooned in the video for Run DMC’s “Mary, Mary”? I remember thinking that Tipper Gore lady was kinda square but that might have been because of the demonic influence of the popular music I listened to in my youth.
Speaking of which, I’m about to start reading Jeff’s site backwards for incriminating evidence as to his Christian-hating. Because, reading it forward, I’m gonna have to say, I just didn’t catch it. Not that there would be any conceivable reason to be anything less than totally free and loose with calling someone a Christian-hater (ahem, Mike R).
TIPPER GORE IS MY MASTER!
Jeff, just because a bunch of outraged conservatives protested KR doesn’t mean your not allowed in the party. It doesn’t mean your not loved. It doesn’t mean that potty mouth wankers are not a part of the GOP. It doesn’t mean ANYTHING except some people that were offended got their way. Maybe some time in the future something will get your goat and you will get all up in arms about it and YOU will win.
Your taking this way too personally.
I mean your JWebb’s master for heaven’s sake! Several GOP ladies who visit this site obviously go bank robbery stupid over you.
We love you….isn’t that enough?
I’m not saying that just because they protested KR doesn’t mean I’m not allowed in the party. I’m saying that they believe that they ARE the party, and that they deserve to tell me who and what CAN BE in the party. They are wrong, ultimately—except in instances like this, where people back down and let them think they are the moral voice of the Republican party.
Is that a big tent, or are you just happy to see me?
Thanks, RWS. You make this so much easier…
I DISINVITE JEFF GOLDSTEIN TO BE MY MASTER!
(…only because it’s kinda icky to be mentioned in the same sentence with women who go “bank robbery stupid” over him).
(RWS, I am sure you don’t even realize it, but it is known that Mr. Goldstein respects correct spelling maybe even more than television show theme song sing-a-longs, so, remember that “your” is possesive and “you’re” is the contraction of the pronoun “you” and the verb “are”. For example: I know that in your exuberent blogging and commenting, you’re going to make a few typos. :D
Your fellow Republican-blogging-gal-and-mom-of-four-who-agrees-with-Jeff,
Rae)
This whole stupid brouhaha is highly suggestive of the reasons I USED TO BE a Conservative Christian Statist. Yessiree, a card-carrying James Dobson, Don Wildmon, Christian Coalition sort.
Silly me. Who DID I think I was, anyway?
Color me a Christian libertarian these days, and may I apoligize for my former position, and on behalf of those still there who are too knuckleheaded to see the dubious nature of their motivations?
(What? You think you’re going to institute the Kingdom on Earth yourself by your own efforts? Salt and light is spread through your own circle of friends and acquaintances. Every secular power you grasp to establish your own vision of morality is a power that can and will be turned against you in the end. The Kingdom cannot be advanced through political maneuvering. Shame on you for believing it can! Question the motivations of those who would use your outrage to advance their own hidden agenda.)
Damn, I gotta get me one of these “blogs.”
Who knew Allah was Jewish?
Just for the record, I typically laugh my shiny white shoes off on your site. Hate to leave you with the impression that I somehow was casting a scornful glare upon you. I have a deep and abiding respect for a well-flung turd.
As you might suspect, I’m with the Admin on this one. I don’t really have much right to tell a man what to think, but at some point a gentleman asks another to mind his language in certain circumstances, neither would I go to a Bar Mitzpha (sp?) and belt out “That Old Rugged Cross”
Tim McNabb
fivehundredwords.com
McGehee – Bwahahahahahaha!
<Sips 16-year Oban, tokes 52 ring maduro robusto …>
Try this:
pledge un-potty mouth
teaching broad inclusiveness
keep salty moustache
<dozes>
Rae misspelled exhuberant.
Ummm, Gail? It’s “exuberant”.
Just handing you the punchline BLT. . . .No, actually, I was being stupid.
My criticism was false but accurate
Or, more accurately, falsely exhuberant.
Good, I was wondering if someone would catch that. I was hoping it would be RWS; you know, the whole “spoon full of sugar thing.”
Now, about those television theme song sing-a-longs…..
Hey Jeff, the attempt to ‘exclude’ you could be worse. Instead of getting the cold shoulder for questionable rhetoric, you could be an atheist like me and get a more pointed “why are you a Republican?” attitude. It doesn’t bug me too much because I won’t let a few doofi with pre-conceived notions hijack my political philosophy. It also doesn’t hurt that it puzzles a bunch of liberals, too.
Later,
bbeck
I prefer excessive zeal to false exuberance because it’s easier to spell.
How very true, Gail. One of my personal favorites is bubbly effervescence. Of course, that does bring to mind those Alka-Seltzer commericals…
BTW Rae, thanks for mentioning the “your” thing to RWS. It was getting on my nerves.
“Good, I was wondering if someone would catch that. I was hoping it would be RWS; you know, the whole “spoon full of sugar thing.â€Â
YOU’RE just testing me,right Rae? SSUURRREEEE……
U gise krak me up!
Like Carlin says, cocksucker is technically two words, cock and sucker. Cock, as you point out could be a chicken, and sucker isn’t a bad word. Neither is dirty when used on their own- it’s only when these two halves form a whole do they become naughty. So that means it’s only dirty half of the time, right?
And you can’t forget the orignal list of 7 banned words:
shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.
You gotta love Carlin!
RWS- You’re absolutely correct in your assertation.