John Kerry: “Whatever you need, it’s yours. Need a job? You got it. Need a higher living wage? Done. Need cheap, universal healthcare? I’m your man. Need a better education? Have at it, paid in full. Relying on social security for your retirement? I’ll put it in a lock box. Tax relief? I can give you that, too. Want to lose your virginity to a teenage Mexicali hooker and a donkey? I’ll print coupons. And the best part is, every single one of my plans comes with free cole slaw and a plate of homestyle biscuits!” George Bush: “Anybody who believes this guy can deliver on even one percent of his promises deserves four years of John F’n Kerry. God bless, and good night.”
****
update: The Llama Butchers have a nice roundup of reaction, as does Bill INDC.
Jim Geraghty, NRO’s Kerry Spot: “John Kerry came across as an old, tired, worn out, stretched-out Leftist Tree Spirit belched forth by the fiery pits of Massachusetts liberalism. Despite citing Ronald Reagan so frequently that one might think he had a nervous tic, his answers made clear that a President Kerry would chart the country on a course further to the left than Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, and LBJ. We know what we’ve got in George W. Bush. Conservative most of the time, moderate when he doesn’t have the votes; a guy who may make mistakes, but you’ll always know where he stands.”
****
update 2: Another nice roundup from Ace.
Michelle Malkin: “John Kerry stooped to the lowest of the low with the shameless, invasive line that will be played over and over again on the news in the next 24 hours:
And I think if you were to talk to Dick Cheney’s daughter, who is a lesbian, she would tell you that she’s being who she was, she’s being who she was born as.
”Um, has John Kerry talked to Dick Cheney’s daughter? Has John Edwards? Has Mary Beth Cahill, who called Mary Cheney ‘fair game’ on Fox News Channel after tonight’s debate? If they haven’t talked to her, they should shut up, leave her alone, and defend their incoherent position on gay marriage without hiding behind the vice president’s daughter.”
****
update 3: In another moment of pomo-inspired dementia, some of the lefty sites are urging their readers to spam the online polls—and then are reporting breathlessly on those very spammed poll results to “prove” a sizeable Kerry victory. Which is a lot like calling yourself the greatest lover in the world when all you ever do is masturbate. I think.
Perfectly succint accounting of events. And, oh too true.
Yeah, that sounds about right. If only they were as eloquent.
…
…
…
But you’re sure about the Mexicali hooker thing, right?
:-D
hookers are awesome.
So is Kerry. Bush can suck me.
You mean I can’t have all those things for free?
Bush can, sure. But Kerry will suck you AND give you cole slaw, tax cuts, and a plate of homestyle biscuits!
Can you substitute potato salad for the cole slaw?
Bush’s “whew!” said it all for me. Kerry is slicker than slick-willy. No thanks. Not even for the biscuit.
Now you know that Kerry has never seen a biscuit. A croissant, yes, but a biscuit?
This is John Kerry,
No really guys, I will I swear, I’ll give you everything you want! The Mississippi will flow with gold, and nile will flow with the blood of terrorists. I’ll do whatever you want, whenever you want. I can do everything! I’ll wipe you butt, clean your toilets, and make your bed in the morning too.
I’m John Kerry and I approved this message. Really!
Exactly.
The question is, those last three undecided voters, how badly do they want those homestyle biscuits?
Good News: Kerry promises blow jobs, but delivers an ass-fucking!
Bad News: It’s your ass!
(No wonder he more popular among women…)
Kerry p.s.: “Finish that stem-cell slaw? Then get up out of that wheelchair, rip out that oxygen line, and walk to the nearest voting booth!”
Just got an email from Kerry. He’s promising me a thousand ideas for novels, unlimited trips to the international space station, the end of AIDS, peace on earth, all the cake I can eat without getting fat, and a parking place in Seattle…
He almost had me convinced until that last one.
Hahahaha awesome summary!
Kerry’s facial expression reminded me of that peculiar wax-like look the dying patient gets just as he breathes his last, before the eyes roll toward heaven and he craps in the death-bed!
Kerry: I will provide all Americans with cole slaw, tax cuts, and a plate of homestyle biscuits…oh, and did you know Dick Cheney’s daughter is a LESBIAN?!
I noticed that Kerry spent the money from repealing the tax cut for the top 1% twice in just this debate! First it went to pay for social programs, then to strengthen Social Security! You can’t use that money twice, Senator!
“And they call him Sandy Claws!”
Did somebody say something about lesbians? In Vietnam?
Bad news for Kerry. Two of those three undecided voters prefer corn muffins, and the third is on Atkins.
Yeah, and do you know how we could tell they were lesbians?
They were wearing these neat magic CIA hats!
“No wonder he’s [Kerry] more popular among women…”
Ewww! Not *this* woman.
You guys are brutal, but hilarious. I’m so relieved this third debate is over and done with. Now let’s just get our President re-elected! This Kerry guy looks like a walking dead man—I mean, really, just look into those eyes—there’s nothing there! No soul! Nada!
Potato Salad for Cole Slaw substitutions will be approved on a case-by-case basis by a special panel of no fewer than three members and no more than nine members to be assembled by the Federal Side Dishes Office of the Food and Drug Administration.
And while Cole Slaw, and provisionally Potato Salad will be free, their distribution will be funded through a 93% tax rate on all Fried Chicken production and purchases. There will be an additional 57% tax on all raw chicken parts, as they may be used to make fried chicken. Whole Broilers and Roasters will be exempt, as will Chicken of the Sea Tuna.
Anyone read Ann Coulter’s most recent post?
http://www.anncoulter.org/columns/2004/101304p.htm
“Kerry said [in the second debate], “most importantly – and I mean most importantly – of restoring America’s reputation as a country that listens, is sensitive, brings people to our side, is the seeker of peace, not war, and that uses our high moral ground and high-level values to augment us in the war on terror, not to diminish us.”
Imagine President John Kerry at the Berlin Wall. “Mr. Gorbachev … I challenge you to get to an emotional place where you can imagine a different kind of non-wall reality, that fully respects the ‘wallness’ of your current reality, yet takes us on a spiritual journey in which …”
I thought that was pretty funny.
hey, I just found an extra giblet in my bucket. No, no, wait…well I’ll be damned. It’s a purple heart!
The best debate wrap-up in the history of the Internet!
Why..Why!
Why does any mother in a hospital bed remind her son about “integrity, integrity,integrity”!!!!! Figure it yourself!
You have to know Cheney’s daughter was like “OMG! will they STOP talking about me!!!”
Rachel says “Bush can suck me” like thats a bad thing. *shrug*
You know…. what I meant by the previous post was if someone doesn’t like someone else, why would they say that that person can do this really intimate thing to them….see???? I didn’t mean that I personally don’t see it as a bad thing…ok, shutting up now.
The growing doubts about the veracity of the Great War Hero’s actual service, combined with the certainty of his voting record since, give extraordinary relevance to his mother’s remarks. “Integrity, integrity, integrity” will go down as the political gaffe of the century and will be his epitaph, if anyone bothers to erect a headstone. Surely you Yanks cannot elect such a fool as this?
“And the best part is, every single one of my plans comes with free cole slaw and a plate of homestyle biscuits.” But wait there’s more! As an added bonus I’ll personally toss each and every one of your salads!
“Integrity! Integrity! Integrity!”
You know, people who HAVE integrity don’t tend to need being reminded of its existence every day.
Look, all kidding aside, Bush is a fucking moron. Kerry won’t plunge us into a recession, Bush will. And this Iraq thing is outright ridiculous. You know what this dork said? “Catastrophic Success in Riaq” What The Hell is that???? Blows my mind. And then his “armies of compassion” phrase. Odd choice of words man.
Time for Bush to go Bye Bye.
He’s such an asshole. And so is his loser wife, the one who ran over a friend and didn’t even get arrested. These people are corrupt to the core.
Can you get arrested for calling the “president” an asshead?
hmmm
Does it matter to you all that Bush doesn’t go to church? (This is not a controversial factoid: see the recent article at tnr.com.) How can you support someone who makes himself out to be the Pastor in Chief even though he doesn’t even attend worship services with regularity, much less serve as the member of parish?
Adolf, you would be surprised at how stupid some people can be.
To the list of things Kerry will deliver, I will include the cures for Diabetes, Parkinsons and Alzheimers, and making Superman walk again.
Update 3: LOL!
Ann Coulter is a no good lying bitch. She’s a total cunt and I wouldn’t give her my Spit if she were dying of thirst.
She’s in it for the Publicity and Money people!!!
I can spot a publicity-whore a mile away.
I ate it when people get paid to spout nonsense. What a waste.
-One ticked woman
Integrity is an important but underrated thing. Most people forget about it, I don’t hear it mentioned in politics much, do you? His mom was strong and smart, she wanted to make an impact before she passed and told him something she thought would stick and help him continue to be a good man and aspire to be a better one, Kerry is a fucking War Hero people. He’s trying to wrestle our country out of the hands of a criminal family. We’ve got some big damn problems, are you all failing to see that?? That’s what’s important, that bad shit is happening. And we all trade barbs about coleslaw.
What’s the point of having blogs, radio, tv, media period if all we’re going to do is fill the air with our own self-righteous irrelevant chatter instead of paying attention to the big issues and doing something about it. Why aren’t we influencing our elected representatives for whatever cause you want? Because we’re lazy spoiled brats who take our spectacular privileges and freedoms for granted. We remain oblivious about the system and then get ticked when things don’t go our way. Nobody really Does anything.
If all you’re going to do is bitch and moan on boards like this and then go and do exactly what you’ve always done, nada, well that sucks.
Yerah I’m pissed and no I’m not pmsing. I’m no angel either, but I’ve made steps in getting involved, which is a good start.
Do something, please!!!!!!!!!
Registere Republican voting Kerry all the way.
And let’s not forget, Edwards is pretty cool, lots of potential there.
publicity whore?
Is that one of those victimless crimes?
Best looking whore I’ve seen in a while–smart one too.
You ate it when people get paid . . . . ?
What you ate?
She’s looking for publicity and money?
Shocking insight, just shocking.
“screw ann coulter?”
you wish . . . .
What’s the point of having blogs, radio, tv, media period if all we’re going to do is fill the air with our own self-righteous irrelevant chatter instead of paying attention to the big issues and doing something about it.
You know, she makes an important point. And I think John Kerry’s plan to provide middle class Americans with the question marks that the rich have been hoarding is just the answer to our nation’s problems.
You know what this dork said? “Catastrophic Success in Riaq†What The Hell is that????
Damn, Joe, you’re right! What the Hell is Riaq?
(And Joe must be one of those rich bastards–look at how many question marks he has!)
Remind me not to hire John Kerry for your roast, Jeff. He can’t tell a joke to save his life. He can marry one, but he can’t tell one.
Edwards is pretty cool
Nice, I can see the depth at which your investigative reason permeates the truth. Kerry and Edwards are used car salesman. I bet the last time you walked on to a car lot you drove off in a ‘73 Pinto with bald tires- which really could be equated to a potential Kerry presidency. If America is not smart enough to see through the sham, then they deserve what they get.
ps- quite bagging on Anne Coulter, your jealousy is quite transparent
Registere Republican?
Is that some kind of French Republican? In that case we won’t count you- not that you’re being honest anyhow.
You guys remember that song from the commercial that goes–
Anytime Kerry speaks, I hear that playing in my head.
Hey Joe..
Ok you hate Bush but give me a reason why we should vote for Kerry. Go read “Unfit for Command” and find out how much of a loser Kerry is…talk about a cowardly, self-serving weasel. He truly is the type of politician that makes people hate politics – he will say whatever it takes to get elected. Bush may not be as quick or as polished but at least he seems to have some kind of moral compass. Granted, I am excited to hear what Kerry’s plan is for getting our troops out of Iraq, and for alternative fuels, and for health care, and presciption drugs, and education, and for the landscaping of my yard…talk about a load of crap.
Integrity… like people who sign their names to their posts.
And you’re a registered Republican? Right… Man oh man. I knew you liberals hated calling yourselves liberals, but now you also hate calling yourselves Democrats. Can’t say I blame you, but it doesn’t bode well for the future of the party.
Rightwingsparkle,
It’s okay to suck on someone. Or to be sucked in return.
Even if you don’t one biscuit out of the deal.
If that made any sense at all, it might go over better if you didn’t lie about being a “Registre Republican.” No, kitten, you are not a Republican; you are a non-ovulating 13 year-old girl (hence your breathless writing style and the reason you are “not pmsingâ€Â) pretending to be a Republican so as to suggest that you have some conservative “cred.” Like John Kerry, therefore, you are without integrity and should be shunned by all.
By the way, sunshine, I’m sure that we are all quite pleased that you have “taken steps to get involved,” even though you are “no angel.” Still, I’m sorry to say that God hates a non sequitur and, accordingly, intends for you to die in a horrible auto crash. So it is written….
What I can’t imagine is being a fucked-up, toe jam eating, excrement-smeared liberal dingleberry that would have the unbelievable lack of common sense to think John Kerry has what it takes to be president. Honest-to-God, people, really. HE is the best hope for America? It boggles the mind. A more blatant, self-serving, cartoonish example of a stuffed shirt aristocrat as our CIC is not to be tolerated. HE screwed his comrades during a time of war and gave aid and comfort to the enemy and should have been thrown into Portsmouth in chains. That fact alone makes him unacceptable for any reason.
And his do-nothing time in the Senate was just resume building. The Democratic Party in America is surely intellectually bankrupt if John F’in Kerry is the only thing you all could gag up to spit at the American people. A goddamn muppet has more to offer than John Forbes Kerry.
Remind me please, just what did Kerry say about his wife? Can he not tell a joke? Bush was totally real talking about his wife.
“Does it matter to you all that Bush doesn’t go to church?”
God is everywhere. Even in you.
Immediate debate aftermath thoughts immediately updated here.
My sister spotted this bumper sticker and I was reminded of it after the debate:
“If Kerry is the answer, it must be a really stupid question!”
The debilitating effects of estrogen therapy are taking their toll on Kerry. He has to take female hormones daily to prevent recurrence of prostate cancer. As his prostate was completely removed, it also means he’s now completely spunkless. He seems to be getting that soft-cheeked grandmotherly look to his physog.
Forget the cole slaw and homestyle biscuits;
I want what Mary Cheney’s eating!
Time for some fisking fun!
“Look, all kidding aside, Bush is a fucking moron.”
A more obvious case of projection one will never hope to see. Sorry, Joe, but you don’t get a Master’s degree from a legitimate university(or and Ivy League one, no less) by being a dunce. As much as the Left loves to argue from the fallacy of appeal to authority, you think they would have figured this out by now.
“Kerry won’t plunge us into a recession, Bush will.”
And your evidence for this is what? Your own severe affliction of Bush Derangement Syndrome? Considering that Bush has presided over one of the quickest economic turnarounds in US history (employment roughly the same as when Clinton ran for re-election in 1996), I’d say the evidence has already refuted your assertion,pre hoc.
“And this Iraq thing is outright ridiculous. You know what this dork said? “Catastrophic Success in Riaq†What The Hell is that????”
What specifically about “this Iraq thing” is outright ridiculous? Or is this one of the supposedly “nuanced” arguments that routinely emerge, vapor-like, from leftist mudpots?
“Blows my mind.”
Lay off the smack, then.
“And then his “armies of compassion†phrase. Odd choice of words man.”
No more odd or militaristic than “Peace Corps”
This one is fun, too…
“I can spot a publicity-whore a mile away.”
I’m sure you do every day. It’s called a mirror.
Bush doesn’t go to church? I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen news footage of W and Laura leaving church on Sunday. He goes to a Methodist Church in DC.
Get a life.
Mike, good to know….
I think the libs must have put out a ‘memo’ to get on conservative blogs and blather……
Should of reminded them not to sound like idiots.
I see a lot of references to Bush’s education to counter people that call him a moron. All well and good but don’t forget he flew planes for four years. Bush is sharp.
My favorite Debate 3 line was when he said his wife speaks better English than him. It was a good line. No he’s not a very eloquent speaker but he’s a great CIC.
I’d modify GWB’s answer a bit:
A litany of complaints is not a plan. Anybody who believes this guy can deliver on even <i>one percent</a> of his promises deserves four years of John F’n Kerry. God bless, and good night.
John Kerry is repulsive to look at, and worse to have to listen to.
Imagine having to follow him.
Well, wait—at least then we’d be looking at his good side.
Bush isn’t an overly bright man, but he strikes me as an earnest man and, while some of his administration-period decisions haven’t set well with me( steel tariffs, etc ), I will vote for him because, I feel, he has a strong character.
Kerry just doesn’t give that image to me. Someone above mentioned “stuffed shirt” and I think it is an accurate description of his type of politics. For three debates, I listened to Kerry practically attack the upper class members of this country. Demonizing them as people who don’t care, who don’t have family values, who got their money through dishonest means with no hard work. He could present himself as “working for the common man” without attacking another class. I didn’t see Bush making any attacks on Americans ( except maybe Senators from Mass. ).
Integrity, indeed.
p.s. About those coupons…
On a somewhat serious note, I remain amazed at the number of people who think George Bush is stupid because he’s not an accomplished public speaker. By this logic, two-thirds of my professors in college were stupid because they weren’t very good public speakers either.
For three debates, I listened to Kerry practically attack the upper class members of this country. Demonizing them as people who don’t care, who don’t have family values, who got their money through dishonest means with no hard work.
It’s called “projection.” He thinks all rich people in America are just like him.
I loved your analysis. Short and to the point. And right on the money Wheareas on my blog I did a question by question analysis.
Well done.
Good night, George.
>>My favorite Debate 3 line was when he said his wife speaks better English than him. It was a good line. No he’s not a very eloquent speaker but he’s a great CIC. <<
depends on your definition of “eloquent”, I guess. I have attended a lot of seminars and conferences throughout my work life … and I guess I’m just a little blase about the whole “good speaker” thing. I no longer have any notion that a “good speaker” is one who doesn’t stumble over words and has a great vocabulary. I tend to think they’re good if they leave me with the impression that they believed what they said, and they kept my attention.
Kerry is smooth … but oh-so-boring and oh-so-scatterbrained. He cannot think in a straight line … all of his explanations atart off at point A and go through the alphabet AND the numbers before ending somewhere near -A … leaving you no idea of what he was trying to say.
Bush dispelled any doubts in my mind of his speaking ability with his speech promising to bring the terrorists to their just end. He said it, he meant it, he believed it …. I believed it.
I am the greatest lover in the world.
I am also a master debater.
Willow: Well, I think we have Dracula factoids.
Xander: Like any of that’s enough to fight the Dark Master.
< everyone looks at him >
Xander: –bator.
Willow: A lot of it we already knew. Turn-offs: wood, fire, crosses, garlic. Turn-ons: nice duds, minions, long slow bites that last for days.
Xander: I think you’re drawing a lot of crazy conclusions about the Unholy Prince.
< everyone looks at him again >
Xander: –bator.
Jeff,
Kerry’s mention of Cheney’s daughter is analagous to Clinton returning to Arkansas to “preside” over an execution during the campaign, when he was not needed. It was gratuitous and designed to divide the right. Kerry’s move was similar, if a little more subtle.
If John Kerry is a catholic, George Bush is democrat! Please, his response is so flat and pandering to focus groups. Get real, when were Native Americans last mentioned in presidential debates!
Funny, Rachel, I wouldn’t want someone I didn’t particularly like to suck me, but then, maybe that’s just my own peculiarity.
Juliette: agreed.
I think what the interesting part of this election is the fact that “mistruths” or out and out lies can become true if you say them often enough. Take for example John Kerry repeating “ George Bush is the first president in the history of the united states to lose jobs…1.6 million jobs” so…no one lost their job durign the depression? they we’re all just in the breadlines for fun right? and there was noone out of job with the mid 80s reccesion…. as for the 1.6 million jobs lost, that was of december 2002 and 1 million jobs dissapeared in the smoke and ruble of 9/11. Since 2002 Bush accurately stated that 1.9 million NEW jobs have beeen added to the economy. to read more about this and more go to NRO http://www.nationalreview.com/nrof_comment/carter200410131105.asp
The problem is there are to many researchers willing to put false information out…and too many politicians who use these false numbers and statistics to their advantage.
I beleive Robert Heinlein said it best
“There are three kinds of lies in this world. Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics.”
Maybe Kerry and Edwards like to talk about lesbians because it makes them horny.
Hard to know for sure since Kerry was standing behind that lecturn and Edwards was sitting down.