In the time it takes you to read this post, “Daily Show” host Jon Stewart will have added a new weapon to his arsenal of biting political commentary—something he calls his “confused Dubya face,” in which he cocks an eyebrow, looks directly into the camera, and asks (in his best hick voice), “uh…is the answer ‘nucular,’ Alex?” Ever supportive of Stewart’s unique genius, Lewis Black slaps a knee and giggles

In the time it takes you to read this post, Bush nemesis and Texas prairie loon Bill Burkett will have “uncovered” a series of documents suggesting that Bush the elder passed nuclear secrets to former “To Tell the Truth” star Kitty Carlisle in exchange for “3 bags of toasted pecans and a nice long spanking on my anxious naked bottom.”*

Right now, at a Kinko’s in Abilene, TX, a $5.75 an hour counter clerk named Donna is covering the phones, answering in her most courteous and professional voice a barrage of reporters’ questions unrelated to Velo binding or glossy prints.  But what she’s thinking is, I don’t know exactly who this Dan Rather person is, but if I ever catch him alone on a stretch of prairie I swear to

As you read this, 60s folkrocker David Crosby is leading a crowd of 33 UC Irvine students in a modest protest of Bush’s Iraq policy, having gathering the group into a cozy roadside “love circle,” where he regales them with stories of Judy Collins’ “well-traveled cootch” while bumming hits off some Asian chick’s “really killer weed. “No, seriously, man—this is some great shit.”

In a fit of daring—and in desperate need of a campaign momentum swing—John Edwards runs a dollop of mousse through his boyish locks and tries parting his hair on the left, a gesture he finds symbolically very pleasing.  Unfortunately, the results are aesthetically less than perfect, so with some disappointment he returns to his right side part and instead asks God to make Joe Lockhart strong—and to maybe make the

While you were reading this post, Joan Baez affixed a Nader/Camejo bumper sticker to her 1968 Gibson LG-12 12-string and tried unsuccessfully to complete her latest protest anthem, stumped as she was for a poetic rhyme to “Bushitler.” So she said fuck it and ate a big bowl of lentils instead.

As you read this post, the DNC is drawing up the paperwork for a legal challenge to “right turn on red” laws in a number of key swings states.  Lawyers for the DNC will argue that principalities allowing right turns on red “are creating an unfair advantage for the Republican party by rewarding motorists who turn right.” Because the DNC has lost its motherfucking mind.

Christ, I need to take a shower and feed the kid.  I’ve got a doctor’s appointment in, like, an hour. update:  in the time it takes you to read this update, Michael Moore will have guzzled down all the mayonnaise and finely diced deli meats he was able to cram into Ben Affleck’s beer bong.