On the plus side, though—every day is a good day to have PAT BOONE AS YOUR MASTER! **** update:  Bronco’s head coach Mike Shanahan, his team trailing 35-3 at halftime, rallies the troops:  “…don’t worry. This is all part of my plan to bait the Colts into inserting their second teamers.  Then, like angry tigers, we strike…!”

PAT BOONE IS MY MASTER! **** update:  and not just Leather Pat, either. Should Vanilla Pat want to press those white vinyls on my throat and make me bark like a dog, I’m afraid I’m at his mercy.

me: “Uh, what in hell happened to Saturday morning, is what I want to know…” my pillow:  “Dude. Brush your teeth.”

No, not today, I’m afraid.  Earlier I dressed him like an organ grinder’s monkey and had him begging for beer money in front of Wal-Mart.  He’s still pretty steamed about the little red vest and fez.

So much for that Republican big tent: I tried getting in to celebrate President Bush’s victory, but Jesus himself — dressed in an awful plaid Dacron suit and carrying a menacing-looking ruler —stopped me at the door with a wag of his finger.  “Sorry,” he told me.  “No potty mouth hipsters.” But, his being Jesus and all, he did forgive me, bless him —and told me I was welcome to

Ever stay up late at night watching Steve McQueen movies and slicing through the stems from a crate of wild lettuce plants (Lactuca virosa)—carefully extracting and bottling the precious stem milk, which you then dry into lactucarium, sprinkle on top of homemade oatmeal raisin cookies, and later pass out to the neighborhood kids whenever your gutters need clearing or your lawn de-weeding?  Or is that considered, y’know…too ancient Egyptian’…?

I think Ace’s analysis here is spot on.  And before you say, ”but wait, Jeff.  Didn’t those same draconian tactics Ace advocates fail Bruce Willis in The Siege, bringing him scorn from a less reactionary, more liberal Denzel Washington, who—instead of taking the easy way out and pinning his hopes on torture and internment—relied on good ol’ fashioned investigative police work to reach a heroic (and moral) conclusion?”—let me just