BECAUSE OF THE HYPOCRISY! [NOW UPDATED WITH EVEN MORE DASTARDLY HYPOCRISYNESS!]
Time to keep a running list of Sarah Palin’s sins — lovingly gathered, mostly in crazed speculative form, by members of the Church of Diversity and Otherness Coddling, and reprinted here, with my gloss, for your delectation.
1) Alan Colmes: Poor prenatal care (waiting too long after her water broke to get to a hospital) on Palin’s part created a Downs baby. Reached for comment, Science suggested Colmes shut his ignorant yap — and for Chrissakes, get a tan.
2) Andrew Sullivan, et al: “Concern” that Palin taking time away from the young defective she should have shitcanned with a metal rod and some clinical suction (call it “compassionate eugenics“!) could cause even more harm to the useless little drain on society that should never have been born in the first place (call it “the nurturer’s addendum for those greedy hick breeders who refused to take the high road and just snuff the damaged goods in utero”). A child needs a stay-at-home-mother! — if that child happens to be the child of a Republican breeder! Or haven’t you people been paying attention to the nuances of establishment feminist theory?*
3) Also via Sullivan: Two of the Palin’s children, Piper and Willow, share names with characters from shows that deal with “witchcraft” (“Charmed,” I believe?) — though they were born and named before the show first aired. This is suggestive to Sullivan — the last of the true conservatives (well, if you don’t count Glenn Greenwald(s) and John Cole) — that the Palins are into Satanic occultism. Either that, or they like Piper Laurie (Carrie’s Mom! Fast Eddie’s gimp gal pal!) or small aircraft. In which case, just sick.
As for Willow — a city in Alaska, a Val Kilmer dwarf movie, a tree? Please. This has Old Scratch worship written all over it.
4) From Aravosis — evidently frustrated in not yet being able to find pics of Palin’s husband getting busy with his boatmates (project name: “GAY PORN COCK OF ATLANTIC COD HARVESTING”) — news that the Palin’s son was born eight months after the elopement of the still married parents. Suggesting that Sarah and the first dude of AK may have gotten busy in the backseat of a pickup to some INXS — resulting in the necessity for a shotgun wedding that has lasted many many years —
5) — But at what cost? Whose children are whose, really? Can we tell? I mean, do they even have blood tests in Alaska? If I recall my “Northern Exposure,” those folks were living almost like blubber boiling Inuit igloo people — until a New Yorker showed up to save them all from their backward-ass selves.
Thus far, I’ve heard speculation, via Daily Kos, that two of Sarah’s children are actually her grandchildren, and that in one case, incest was involved. Which, maybe these folks should get together with Alan Colmes to try to explain the phantom water breaking of a non-pregnant woman.
And if that fails, bring in Sullivan. Because as he’ll tell you, the Devil would have no problem orchestrating that kind of misdirection.
6) Palin, according to the “feminists” at Feministe and Pandagon, is an “anti-feminist” and “anti-woman” — appealing as she does to women who feel inferior, and who don’t adequately mistrust the patriarchy. Her deeds are unimportant. That she has made her own way on her own gifts and hard work suggests that she has adopted the mindset of a man. Because as everyone knows, we can never truly have “equality” or a “strong female role model” until we have a number of laws that give women special dispensation — laws that are embraced and championed by women of white privilege, not callously ignored by moose dressing hicks with beehives and stretched uteri, married to men who, like, fish unironically.
Real feminists back Bill Clinton and John Edwards — whose love for this country is so strong that sometimes they feel as though they have to stick their cocks into all of it.
7) Palin’s good looks (which really aren’t good at all: she’s got ghastly hair, and the windburned color of a high plains strumpet) suggest she was chosen for the ticket, according to some CNN pool reporters, because she’s giving McCain regular hummers. How else to explain it? I mean, Eleanor Clift and her fellow reporters literally laughed at the choice. Is McCain serious? This woman has virtually no experience! Unlike Obama — who, though he doesn’t have experience, cannot be held responsible for such a gaping hole in his resume. Institutional racism, you see. Experience is relative. It’s a black thing, you wouldn’t understand. Says Whitey.
8) The Politico reports, “Presidential scholars say [Sarah Palin] appears to be the least experienced, least credentialed person to join a major-party ticket in the modern era.”
…Well, other than Obama, it goes without saying. But just who are these “presidential scholars”?:
UPDATE: After reading this article, the McCain campaign issued the following statement: Ã¢â‚¬Å“The authors quote four scholars attacking Gov. PalinÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s fitness for the office of vice president. Among them, David Kennedy is a maxed-out Obama donor, Joel Goldstein is also an Obama donor, and Doris Kearns Goodwin has donated exclusively to Democrats this cycle. Finally, Matthew Dallek is a former speech writer for Dick Gephardt. This is not a story about scholars questioning Gov. PalinÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s credentials so much as partisan Democrats who would find a reason to disqualify or discount any nominee put forward by Sen. McCain.Ã¢â‚¬Â
Post-partisanship, people. Take a big whiff of the hope and change!
9) Maureen Dowd, aging beauty whose Manhattanite sensibilities and upper-crust connections mark her as, like, so totally different from Palin (Modo would never dress a moose, naturally — unless it arrived at one of her parties wearing something completely inappropriate), that she’s going to spend the next few months making sure
she you know it:
Ã¢â‚¬Å“The P.T.A. is great preparation for dealing with the K.G.B.,Ã¢â‚¬Â President Palin murmurs to Todd, as they kiss in the final scene while she changes TrigÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s diaper. Ã¢â‚¬Å“Now that GeorgiaÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s safe, how Ã¢â‚¬â„¢bout I cook you up some caribou hot dogs and moose stew for dinner, babe?Ã¢â‚¬Â
My goodness! This hick comedy is golden!
Forced? Why, how dare you! Likely to alienate a great swath of voters? Well, perhaps. But that’s assuming they can read. I mean, it’s not like she’s writing this in Reader’s Digest, TV Guide or, you know, the Bible.
Really. Like that New Yorker cover, this is not really meant for certain people. Sniff.
10) Palin? Positively Cheneyesque. Probably actually uses Heinz 57 on her mooseburgers. The trailer trash queen of all that is evil and unholy…
11) If you’re going to RAPE THE SEAS, you need government approval. EARTH KILLER!
12) Josh Marshall asks, simply, “Eagleton”? The idea? That Palin is a head fake, a way to win the election (which of course the Republicans can’t win, given the unseriousness of the pick, and how a horrified and insulted electorate will recoil from such calculated frippery — but you know, just in case), at which point Palin, having propelled McCain into the White House, will step down, allowing the guy with the magic underwear to be named in her place. Evidently, this accomplishes…uh, I’m not really sure. “Fucking over the people who voted for you for no reason that anyone can think of,” maybe? (h/t Robin Mac and Pablo)
13) McCain has suspended the RNC convention because Palin is unprepared. Meaning, I guess, that she simply doesn’t have the proper shoes! And that will not do!
— Or else, the suggestion is that’s she’s not ready quite for primetime — something that none of her appearances since the announcement of her selection seems thus far to corroborate. So it’s gotta be the shoe problem.
Blessedly, a potentially deadly hurricane has come along to give the GOP time to find themselves a fast-working Henry Higgins. And maybe bring in Stacey and Clinton to convince Gov Palin to trade in her pelts for something with better lines, and with subtle-but-interesting patterns that say, “Yes, I’m a conservative woman, but no, I won’t, on my way to scrubbing the chum off the trawler deck, gut you with a Bowie knife for doubting creationism.”
14) Uh oh. Looks like Palin might have just lost the BK crowd…
15) More Sullivan, who is now checking birth records. So far, he can’t find the proper documentation. Which means, of course, that TRIG’S MOTHER WAS A JACKAL!
(thanks to topsecretk9)
16) More to come? Oh. I have no doubt.
update: Lee Stranahan at Huffpo takes on the Kossacks. (h/t Dan, in the comments)
update 2: Oopsie!
Be sure to read the comments for clarification.