Halloween comes early to the Corn belt.
And sure, given this week’s Polk County court ruling, there’s likely a really fine gay marriage joke in here somewhere, but were I to go there — however tongue in cheek — I fear Andrew Sullivan would show up at my door in his Levi’s E series, his face screwed up in high dudgeon, with the express intent to harangue me. Mercilessly.
Which, sorry, but I’d rather my ears do battle with the Leavitt Dehorning Clippers than be harangued mercilessly by a guy in high dudgeon and low cut jeans — especially if said fellow boasts power glutes, and the spring-fresh skin of a 5-year-old girl.
Call me old-fashioned.
Incidentally, poring over Iowahawk’s blurbs has made me quite envious.
Please, shower me with superlatives. Because though I’m a giver, I’m still a man, flesh and blood.
And I do so crave your love.
Not until we see the Colorado version of the Hawkeye Hoosgow Honies of the week.
My grandfather used to have a slightly more modern version of that dehorner, when I was a lad I sometimes got to help him dehorn cattle. It was every bit as nasty and gruesome as one might imagine.
When my mother passed away, I inherited my great-grandather’s medical satchel. It’s contents look a lot like an Iowa tool shed.
It would make you vote for Burge if he showed you it, with that look he gets on his face.
Okay, Jeff. I pretty much suck your dick, too.
I have one of those “spiked thumbshrouds,” but it’s…not called that. And it has a little beard.
Some Jeff-love: Your site is the killer muscle ass that milks my loads — and reloads. Your brain lobes are the internet’s power glutes, and yo/DIES JACKIN’ IT
That’s so sweet.
Ok, the word’s gettin out and you know what? They love you man! They really love you!
# Glenn Reynolds (Instapundit)
“All I can say to Protein Wisdom is, ‘We’re not worthy'”
# Charles Johnson (Little Green Footballs)
“Protein Wisdom is some kinda damn genius”
# Tim Blair
“…Protein Wisdom is more cool than is healthy for any human… he is from deep space”
# Thomas Lifson (The American Thinker)
“Now more than ever. America needs Protein Wisdom”
# Patterico
“…the guy is a comic genius”
# Allahpundit
“Proteinly profane… bloodthirsty… hilarious”
# Spongeworthy
“But no shit, Protein Wisdom might get up tomorrow, get baked, grab his beautiful wife and ride his moped backwards to a Hells Angel rally, then drink himself into oblivion and fight about 7 crank dealers from the Racine chapter of the Death Jokers all by himself. Then maybe he’d go home, romance the beautiful wife, build a perfect retro treehouse for his perfect kids, drink a bottle of tequila, prepare a 3-course meal while beating away a push-in home invader and sacrificing him on a makeshift, though historically accurate, Inca altar he built in the woods behind the railroad tracks. Then he’d sit down and knock out a tremedously insulting Leftist parody that pissed off thread after thread of Kos and DU lunatics, romance the bride once again and fall asleep chuckling. It’s like he’s Paul Bunyan and Mark Twain rolled up into one hipster”
# Bill Whittle
“I’ve met him, you know — Protein Wisdom. 6’7″ he is, arms like mighty oak trees, legs like even mightier oak trees: clear grey eyes looking to the far horizon, his lantern jaw set against the approaching storm but yet with a slight hint of a distant smile bourne of many combats won and mortal enemies vanquished. I stood speechless in his presence at a restaurant in Marina del Rey — just speechless, weeping silently at the sheer magnetism and force of personality coming off the man in seismic waves; a transcendental, religious experience that kept me awake for a week, as if I had seen the heavens split open in a blaze of orange and purple glory, and all of God’s Great Plan revealed. And when he finally did speak, it was the sound of distant thunder echoing off ancient mountains, a sound that predates mankind’s puny schreeching — a sound that, indeed, is antecedent to the founding of Life on Earth and comes carried through the ether on the shock wave of ancient dying stars. And though he only spoke twelve words during the four hours I stood in his presence, those words are with me still, a perfect dozen seared into my memory, written in gold across the great hall of my mind. He said, ‘HEY, CAN YOU GET THIS ONE? I LEFT MY WALLET AT HOME.'”
# Jim Treacher
“I don’t LIKE you. I LOVE you. In a GAY way.”
# Mark Steyn
“I take my hat off to Protein Wisdom. He belongs to a very select group of bloggers whose stuff I Wish I’d Thought Of First: ‘It’s that time of year when we honor the ultimate MILF: Mother Earth'”
# James Waterton (Samizdata)
“Protein Wisdom is bloody magnificent… Is there a Nobel prize for comedy? If not, we damn well need one”
# Blackfive
“This pipe-smokin’ assassin is the pure ass heat”
# Michelle Malkin
“Protein Wisdom brings the funny”
# Roger Kimball (The New Criterion)
“The excellent weblog Protein Wisdom summarized some of the thoughts I had… I must also laud Protein Wisdom for his gritty pragmatism. He is no armchair crusader, full of empty imprecations.”
# Blog Québécois
“If Protein Wisdom ever decides to turn his guns on you, accept your beating with good grace and a rueful chuckle. If you try to fight back, it only gets funnier.”
# Rand Simberg (Transterrestrial Musings)
“Next time Protein Wisdom beats up on you, just take it. If you try to fight back, it only gets worse. It’s like one of those monsters that, the harder you fight it, the stronger it gets, because it actually feeds on your pathetic swats.”
# Dr. Melissa Clouthier
“Most bloggers would lose a bar room brawl. There are exceptions.”
# Daily Kos commentors
“The new McCarthyism… F***ing pr***. Now go cry to momma” … “just punch the stupid f***er out”…”shut [his] f***ing mouth while I’m pummelling him”…”me & my brick in a dark alley”… “sharpen your knives”… ““maybe [he] will consider the possibility of getting a shot in the teethâ€Â
# Right Wing Bob
“Protein Wisdom remains probably the most versatile purveyor of America – boosting depravity on the scene today”
# James Taranto (Wall St Journal’s Best of the Web)
“the best way to respond to this sort of thing is with mockery, as blogger Protein Wisdom… devastatingly does”
# Dean Barnett (HughHewitt.com)
“The reigning comic genius of the blogosphere”
# Gerard Van der Leun (Pajamas Media)
“The Master of Disaster… Where else on the web can you channel-surf the spirits of Mark Twain and Big Daddy Roth on the same page?”
# State 29
“The King of all Insightful Proteinness”
# Jonah Goldberg (National Review Online)
“Very Funny… Much profanity, natch”
# Ric Caric, Part time Professor & full time asshole
“Protein Wisdom’s kicked my ass so hard and made me look like such a fool that I now shave my ass, walk backwards and have to stand to burp”
# Citizen Kane
“Rosebud”
# Professor Haggerty
” I relish the public ass-whippings that Protein Wisdom has inflicted mercilessly on me, for the delectation of my audience ofcourse”
#Miss America
” …and I promise to help feed the starving children and work for world peace and…oh yes, squeeze my tawny thighs together until I pop Protein Wisdom’s head like a pimple as I shudder in ecstacy”
# Officer Karsnia, Minneapolis Airport Police
“Just don’t do that in a public restroom, mam”
# Dennis Kucinich, the 8th dwarf
“Like dude, nobody exposes me for the worthless sack of shit I am like Protein Wisdom”
# John Edwards, professional presidential candidate
“Protein Wisdom is kicks ass in both Americas!”
# John Lennon’s ghost
“Baby you can drive my car”
# Dan Rather
“He got the narrative AND the facts right”
# Winston Churchill
“We shall read Protein Wisdom on the beaches, we shall read Protein Wisdom in the streets, we shall read Protein Wisdom in the cities, We shall read Protein Wisdom”
# Abe Lincoln
“You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool Protein Wisdom”
Send Iowahawk to Guantanamo. Now.