…when it begins with an audible popping sound in the middle of your upper back—and you aren’t naked and being straddling by a trio of hookers holding just-opened bottles of Cristal.
Anybody know of a do-it-yourself home traction kit? Delivery a must.
I normally try a different position when I’m working with three.
I hate it when it happens in other circumstances. I highly recommend the Budweiser method of recovery. Forget the traction. Twelve ounce curls, baby.
It’s pretty much the same as autoasphixiation.
At home traction?
I’d go with the trio of hookers option.
What you do is lay down on a the floor, on your stomach, and then tell your kiddo to jump off the sofa and land with both of his knees on the sore spot. It’ll cure ya or kill ya.
My 3 sons supply this service free of charge and unexpectedly, if you want to come visit.
Middle of upper back?
Sit in a rigid-backed chair and move your shoulders (slowly!) back and forth as if you were Carmen Miranda singing a frantic love song in slow motion.
Stand up and squeeze your scapulae together slowly.
Lay on the floor and press you head to the floor, slowly lifting your upper back off the floor, arching it carefully.
I concur with daleyrocks re:alcoholic consumption, but I recommend the Bushmills you were concerned about drinking early in the day. Now you have a medicinal reason.
Just trying to help.
Muscle relaxers and 3 midget hookers.. Midget hookers, is that too insensitive?
Home traction kit? I’ve got some traction bars; no idea how well they work for people.
Last time I had back problems I used gravity boots, and the back problems went away. Of course, that was not all that long after American Gigolo came out.
I really don’t recommend the rope over the tree and around the neck and a brick tied to your ankles technique. Although it does relieve the back pain very effectively, it carries a high risk of mortality.
It was probably the man clogs that threw your back out.
Drugs and alcohol are your friends, Jeff. Just stay away from the demon acetaminophen.
Those. Things. Rock. I don’t know if they can cure being Rosie O’Donnell, but they have unscrewed my back on more than one occasion.
I believe they prefer “midget sex workers”.
Stand with your feet shoulder width apart.
Turn your right foot out 45 degrees.
Stick your left foot straight forward about 2 feet.
Put all of your weight on your right foot and sink, bending the knee.
Now bend at the waist over the left foot, keeping your back straight as far down as you can before letting it fold.
Breath into the part that hurts.
Roll up slowly, one vertebrate at a time.
Repeat on the other side.
Hit each side three times.
…or…alternately…flexeril and a shot of something.
Chiropractic care has saved both me and my wife from back surgery. I swear by it. Find a good Chiropractor and seem him/her religiously. (well, as religiously as you are capable of!)
It’ll take more than one adjustment, and you’ll probably have to get into some sort of traction during each visit, but I swear, it’ll make a difference.
In a good way!
I keep telling you Jeff, four hookers is too many!
For Christ’s sake, you’re not a kid anymore.
What you need is a petite asian chick to walk on your back. I suggest you consult craiglist.com
This probably could have been avoided in the first place if one of the hookers was said petite asian chick.
Stiletto heels help, too.
And casting of flower petals.
Wouldn’t it have been worse if you were naked and being straddling by a trio of hookers holding just-opened bottles of Cristal?
…or being straddled…..Goddammit, I hate that.
Jeff, my sympathies.
My back went west one morning in 2002 when I slipped on the ice while shoveling my walk. Two days later at work I bent over my briefcase (which was in my chair) to extract a one page letter…and felt the most pain I have ever felt nest in my lower back and shoot down my legs.
It shows up from time to time. Like last week.
Rest. Muscle relaxants. Be careful in lifting the little guy, just keep the back straight and use your knees…
And speaking of lifting the little guy, it might help if you sit down to piss for the next couple of days.
Gee, thanks for that Sticky… I suppose I have to go refill my glass since I snorted/spewed/choked out most of the last one.
Over the last couple of years, I’ve developed an annoying tendency to crackle like a steamroller running amok in a bubblewrap warehouse. Not just the back, but also knees, elbows even my freakin’ toes.
The funny thing is that the great majority of it doesn’t hurt. I can’t sneak up on anything, but it’s not because I’m immobilized by pain.
So make sure to sort out the problems between the noisy ones and the ones that matter. For pain—well, I’m no doctor, but I understand that a >40% ethanol tincture of substances created by the application of incomplete combustion vapors from sphagnum sp. to partially germinated Hordeum vulgare (and the subsequent fermentation and distallation of same) comes highly recommended…
Ahh, beer. Enough of that and every muscle relaxes.
morning12. Yes, enough of that and your morning does begin at 12.