The Witness Protection people told us that they’d set us up with a cool new life, but the “friends” they’ve provided just suck.
Have any of you guys got any advice?
Related: Sean Pennitentiary
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To make friends in your new life, attend neighborhood functions as often as possible. At some point in the event, such as during the coffee and donuts before the HOA meeting, sigh, shake your head, and mutter, “Stupid Witness Protection Program!” This will get you sympathy from your new neighbors and likely will result in interesting rumors about your past life circulating around the block.
Hey, it worked for me, is all I can say.
Have you considered organizing some crime with them? Perhaps a numbers game, or a nice little extortion racket. Nothing brings people together like a common interest.
Extortion racket? Isn’t that what the HOA is?
See? You’ll fit right in!
i’m going to be a left-wing activist when i grow up
Put an ad in the neighborhood newsletter offering your, er, problem-solving services for those of your neighbors who may have gotten aced out for that promotion by the younger M.B.A., or the wife who’s just learned her husband is running around on her.
In my case, I mowed lawns. Made a world of difference.
…and be sure to use the mulching attachment.
I’ll be anyones friend for $25.00 a day. This is a completely hetero relatioship that includes joining you at athletic games, fishing and hunting trips, bars and 24 hour phone access. Liquor is extra. For $50.00 a day I’ll be your best friend.